There is both true greatness and true heartbreak around every turn. It is hard to look at who you are and understand the traits you possess that should be valued above all else is usually what provides the most heartbreak.
I fight for what I believe in...I fight for the ones who are thrown aside...I battle those who know better but disregard their knowledge for position, money, title, or convenience. My heart is broken over what the true reality is facing me each day I work in special education. I know what is right and I am unafraid to speak my mind and yet I am destroyed little by little every time I suit up. This is not just a job to me...this is my life's calling--what I was put here to do...what all of my ugly memories of abuse and hatred prepared me for. With this being said, I am killing myself and not getting anywhere. My fight is unproductive and is brutalizing my will.
I do not know what is around the corner but to be constantly braced for the worse is agonizing. My spirit is broken; I am hurting beyond thought and I can no longer endure the pain of this career.
I do not know how to just be quiet and allow people in power to fuck my students into oblivion. I cannot watch another adult treat kids with special needs with such disdain. I do this job because no one else wants to--I bleed for my children because parents have already been bled dry and the teachers before me have already thrown in the towel. If I wanted to be mediocre, I could have picked any damn job. I do not do this for money, for fame, for title, or prestige...I do this job because it runs deep within my soul; every fiber is theirs; every nerve on fire because of their wounds.
Wow, I have learned so many ugly truths about education; about the legalities that people so easily disregard--I do not know if I can continue to stomach this ugly world I find myself in each day and honestly, I am not sure who could. I do not give up easily but I have not the strength nor the power to work this system so I may survive and help my kids at the same time. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies about "he was the rock they broke themselves on"...I am not sure anymore if I am the rock or the one broken on the rock of insincerity?
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