Footprints in the Snow

It seems like I have lived so many lives that I no longer know who the fuck I am. I have recreated myself so many times that I do not recognize the person starring back at me from the mirror on the wall. There are parts, hints of the past lives but they are almost completely abilerated.

Into a dust that so easily blows away and all traces are lost for a lifetime.

What seems to remain is just the feeling that I must be cautious--that trust should no longer be given. That my belief that this too will end in tragedy and heartbreak must remain in the forefront of every thought; of every action.

God I am so tired of having to always play defense. Tell me, finally, all that you hold back-- maybe, just maybe, my heart will finally stop shivering. My love, my heart, my soul can show you amazing, intense beauty--yet you must allow them to. They can envelope you in a love so powerful, so beautiful, kind, and soft. A love that you have only seen in your dreams, if only you allow me to. Reality, however, is quite different. Though I do not follow by nature, I will follow your lead--in this endeavor, alone, I will follow. I will walk in the footsteps already created in the snow to make my journey easier even though we know it will be less fulfilling; even though it goes against everything I am. Running through fresh snow with abandon, creating my own path, making my own footprints in the snow seems like an impossible dream. My feelings never completely open, covered in a layer of protection, I know I do not trust you with my heart. You have answered my questions without speaking a word. You have silenced my desire to create a love affair to surpass lifetimes with you. I do know you...I do know your heart and it is understood what limits you hold yourself to. Do not cheat me out of having passion, for having great love, for seeing in someone's eyes that no other holds a candle. You may covet your heart, you may not destroy mine. I will arrive second to none...I will allow little disregard for my heart....I will find another to treasure what you do not understand. I will continue to search for the person who is willing to help create footprints in the snow together and love boldly, bravely, and honestly.

Take a Vacation

If I began a list of all the things I have done to get here, right here, right now, in this place, I think I would go mad. So many poor decisions, insane actions, and thoughtless disregard to my entire well-being that I should not be allowed to take another unsupervised breath. Of course, one always needs to be cautious when wishing for things...you know the whole adage, "Be careful what you wish for". Yeah, I do not wish for someone to smother me into boredom or irritate me to the point of murder but it always sounds appealing to have someone just take over for a moment. Take a vacation from yourself, your issues, your fuck-ups...you know, D...all of the above--leave it all behind and just breathe. Like a day at the beach, breathing, playing, and forgetting for awhile that your life is a mess~~a mess you have done a fantastic job in creating. I know how the game is played. With all I do in life, I can be an amazing game player...my choice, however, is to leave the game-playing to people who have no other substantial shit to fill their days. I desire honesty, integrity, intensity, and will accept nothing less. It is exhausting that with every encounter, I must dodge bullshit, lies, and deception. Let's take a vacation...let's stop all the lies, the drama, and agree to give it all a rest. Take a deep breath, enjoy your life, stop being jealous of others, quit judging what you do not understand and take a vacation from yourself. Learn to laugh again, learn to love again without bitterness or trepidation, learn to be a better man or woman, learn to enjoy who you are, and fall into a life you can revel in. Stop being concerned what everyone else is doing and start being concerned with who you are, who you have become, and how to make the necessary changes to create that person you envisioned so long ago.