All of my senses...

If all of my senses failed me, I would still recognize you. My heart will not fail me, it would recognize the one it lives for and burst each time you were near.

If I could no longer speak, my entire being would still be singing my love for you. If I had no words--no voice, my heart would wrap you in the beauty you bring me each day. You would know how I love you...

If I could no longer feel your touch, my heart would take over. It would fill my spirit with the love that you are so unafraid to show me each day. My heart would explode every single second I have you by my side, it will remind me what it feels to be loved by a beautiful man--my beautiful man. It will beat strong and fast and show me what it felt to feel your heartbeat next to mine.

If I could no longer taste your lips, your body, my heart would remind me. It would remind me how beautiful you are, how amazing you taste on my lips and I would be content and satisfied.

If I could no longer smell you, your skin, my heart would remind me. It would remind me of taking deep breaths of the pillow you lay your head down on as you sleep. It would bring a vision of just how beautiful you smell when you come home only to me. It would fill my entire head of how amazingly beautiful you make me feel.

If I could no longer see you, my beautiful man, my heart would remind me of all the scenes we have shared. It would help me replay each day I was fortunate to witness your love~our love. My heart would take over my brain and all that I crave to see would be right there...always.

You have taken over all of my senses. I am awake after a long, deep slumber and it feels amazing. Your love holds the answers to all of my questions, it feeds my entire world. I am better because of you and I am never going to stop using all of my senses to show you how much I love the man you are and the woman you have helped me become~~know that my heart will remind me of who you are, how I love you, and will never let me forget the love we share.

Honoring Love...

LOVE should hold more than just four little letters. It should hold the key to your happiness; it should complete your life now and it should hold promise for a beautiful tomorrow. Love wants to help complete your journey and given the respect it deserves, Love can answer all of your questions, quiet all of your doubts, and allow your dreams to fly. We use the word love too easily, do not demand enough from it, and discount the feelings associated with it too willingly and have paid the ultimate price...it's destruction.

Love wishes to be felt intensely...Love wants boldness; fierceness...Love needs to be fed, each and every day with beauty, joy, and appreciation. If you give to Love what it craves, it will continue to grow, evolve, and provide you with amazing possibilities. If you chose to take Love for granted, if you forsake it, Love will become demonic and morph into a weapon that is capable of destroying the very essence of who you are.

We have all experienced both sides of Love. We have attempted to manipulate Love into what we thought it should be and failed miserably. We have ignored the true meaning of Love, ignored what was needed to keep Love satisfied, and have paid the price for our arrogance.

Love is not perfect, it can be beautiful, it can be insane, it should always be a whirlwind that clouds your mind. Love will give what you need, you only need to ask. Love will feed your spirit if you allow it to...if you give Love a room within your heart, it will settle down and protect you from the ugliness our daily lives throw at us. Do not smother Love...give Love plenty of space to spread it's wings and it will take you on journeys guaranteed to take your breath away.

This day and for the remaining ones yet to live, I will honor Love. I will embrace the feelings Love shares with every inch of my being and be content. I will stop questioning Love and simply allow it to take hold of my spirit; grateful. Take hold of my heart, Love...I have been searching for you for as long as I have lived and now that I have found you, I wish for you to remain, right here, within in my soul for as long as I breathe. I honor all that you are, all that you give me, all that you allow me to become~~today and for all the days left on the horizon.

Then tell me so...

People seem to hold back compliments and praise and I do not understand why. It may not come natural to show someone how they make you feel but why? Are we afraid to put ourselves out there, are we afraid that if we say how someone has made us it will possibly hurt us, not received well, laughed at?

What a beautiful way to help another feel better...tell them all that they do for your soul, how they make your life better because they have decided to walk along your journey holding your hand. This applies to family, this applies to friends, this applies to each person that comes into your life that breathes new life into your heart.

If I inspire you, then tell me so. If I anger you, then tell me so. If you enjoy who and what I am, enjoy what I allow you to be, enrich your life in some way, then tell me so.

As your friend, as your sister, as your lover...I believe I have a responsibility to lift your spirits, to make you laugh, to create a more joyous life and in return I have received so much love it blows me away. Stop being afraid, open your heart, and tell the people in your life that you appreciate them; that you love your life more so because they are in it.

Appreciation is better shown when the thing you are jazzed with is around to feel it. Do not wait until I am no longer there to tell me all of the beautiful things you enjoy about me. Uplift my spirits, allow me to soar, and I will take you for an amazing ride. If you love me...if you enjoy my insanity...if your life is better because I am a part of it, then tell me so...

By Accident

By accident I have fallen into a life that I am excited about. By accident, I have begun to live my life, with pride...with happiness...with fulfillment...with appreciation. By accident I have learned to accept who I am, how I am, enjoy the very person I have fought against becoming so needlessly.

Forever I desired a life I was jazzed with, proud to be a part of, proud to have others witness yet I always fell short of the mark. Today, I have created an amazing ride that makes me giggle, makes me scream, makes my heart whole and I think; "How fucking cool is this?" I have no balance, I have very limited sanity, I am as intense as they come and I love that more than one could ever understand.

By accident, I am becoming someone I would love to have as a friend. By accident, I have grown, I have crashed and burned, I have risen above the destruction and I am forever grateful for this life; my life.

My job, my personal life, my family life...all areas of my world are just as they should be. Thank you, Jesie, for remaining in the fight. You would have never gotten to this amazing place without all of the wrong turns.

Damn...simply beautiful and totally by accident.

Right Around the Corner...

There has been so many times that I have found myself saying, "That's it, I've got nothing left...I'm done" only to prove I have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I guess I should have said that I wish the drama life throws me would be done...that smooth sailing will replace driving the windy road, full of potholes, on a dark night with no headlights. I think I can safely speak for every single person breathing that we all want to get off that road, get on the sailboat, and plot a course for happier times.

When we think we have nothing left, we become fierce. We may lie in bed for days, we may go out and drink, we may scream but we still do something more. We still want more from our lives and keep breathing just in case that something better is right around the corner. I hear people say all the time, God gives us only what we can handle and I could just slap somebody. Don't you think that may be in direct conflict with His love for us? Do you not think that God would not give us anything that we should view as "being handled"? I think He wants to show you the beautiful, strong survivor you are and He understands far too well that we require proof of such compliments.

My life, especially the past year, has seen way too many battles. These struggles have exhausted me down to the bone but here's the thing...I am still fucking here, fighting my way to a better, more fulfilling life. In my opinion, God is proud that I keep fighting, not willing to give up, and that I continue to grow into an amazing woman with every ugly situation I survive. I think He wants us to understand that the world is full of such beauty and such ugliness which we will all experience but that is what His intention was from the beginning. The real test, the thing that counts, should be how we walk through those challenges and what we have left when we are done.

Take a breath...believe in your amazing ability to survive it all. But do more than just survive...fight like a demon for a life that is better, more joyous, and absolutely more rewarding. Fight to keep your strength, your grace, your mind intact and you will find amazing rewards...right around the corner.

Attention All Dreamers...

Attention dreamers...I call to you~~Dare to live the life of your dreams; believe in yourself enough to honor your dreams and be true to them. They serve as reminders we still have work to do. Dream boldly; dream beautifully. Give your dreams room to soar...do not limit what you think is possible. If we aim high we can fight to reach whatever dreams we have within our souls.

Be honest with your dreams; honor them, and they will allow you to live a life that is fulfilling, rich in beauty, and worth every struggle. Do not disregard your dreams, they tell us whether we are on our intended path, they let us know when adjustments are required to get back to a life we are intended to live. Stop discounting what you desire...stop being embarrassed by what you crave, stop justifying why your desires are silly, stupid, or just a dream.

When we stop dreaming, what then? I never wish to live my life without my dreams to keep me honest, to keep me fighting for a better tomorrow. I do not limit my dreams, I respect them, and believe in their promise. Dreaming may bring me to the edge of reason, may lead me down unhealthy paths, but my dreams have the possibility to show me an amazing world--one that I wish to settle down in, one that will put my fears to rest--one that will hold me tight, secure, safe.

Dream Beautifully...Dream Boldly...Just remember to dream, no matter what obtacles may be in the way. Just dare to dream...

One beautiful love affair

In my life, I pray to have one beautiful lasting awe-inspiring love affair. I hope that I find a love that envelopes me, that leads me to a peacefulness that others dream about. It is my desire to fall and to continue to fall in love with someone that will catch me with strong hands, a genuine heart, and a soul that intrigues me.

How amazing to love someone you also really enjoy. Someone that makes me laugh when I need to, takes over when my burden is too heavy, and knows when they need to take charge. I want to find a love that will allow me to spread my wings, to soar to whatever heights I am able to, and never allow doubt to enter my mind. To match my intensity, to give me softness when appropriate, and to ultimately feed my soul.

To make me dinner after a long day, to enjoy our differences and to embrace our commonalities. To laugh at me when I am at my craziest, and to tell me to relax, no worries, I got ya covered. To enjoy silence together, to enjoy the bumps, bruises, and love each other more because of them. To help heal my hurts, to allow me to heal theirs. To be my biggest fan, to celebrate my successes and to protect me from the pain of my failures. To wash love over my spirit each and every day. To fall in love every morning when I awake to see them right next to me and to fall asleep in their arms feeling safe, secure...loved.

Someone that is independent of me yet cannot live without me. Someone that I crave, that craves me. A love that will inspire me to be the best I can be, a love I would be willing to return every moment of every day without thought. To be loyal, to be honest, to respect who I am, where I came from, and where I am going. To have a partner travel my journey, keeping me company but understanding they have a path as well and that I will always honor that their journey brought them to me. To be content that our paths are parallel for now and forever and I am not going anywhere without the love of my life in hand.

Find me, my love...know that I am here waiting and absolutely ready for a love that puts all of the questioning to an end. Bring me to life, into life, a life filled with beauty, love, admiration, and joy. I will be the love you have dreamed of, the one that will inspire you to let go and love beautifully.

Not much more

Thursday, as I was working, I hear my phone ring during class. Everyone who knows me knows not to call during certain hours because I will not answer the phone and usually, I have my phone on silent so I wouldn't hear it anyway. As I went to turn my phone off I noticed it was my sister calling. Well, I know it ain't good cause she of all people knows not to call. Deep breath in...Hello?? It's Dad, we are not sure but we have been told he has passed away and we need to get to the hospital.

Honestly, since that moment things have been a bit blurry. I remember running to Bubbalah's room, telling her I was not joking and needed her NOW!! I got in my car, proceeded to make the necessary calls to inform my teachers I would not be in class, called my sister, and then just focused on driving. I get to Trauma 2, see my sister, and walk in to the room where my father is, he is hooked up to every tube he could be, on life support, posturing, and I know I am needed to be strong, to be the court jester, to be the freak my family so loves to call me. Next thing I remember is having a conversation with a dumb ass doctor telling me we need to take my dad off life support...let me say this loud and clear...GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Oh, yeah, with sugar on top you dumb mother fucker.

After being lectured by this stupid man my dad gets transferred to ICU. He is on life support, no movement except his hands posturing all night. I go home, I get an hour worth of sleep, and I go to my sister's house where I find out my niece's boyfriend attempted suicide the night before. The night when no one knows if my father would live, he decides to "cut" himself. Wonderful, now we must worry about my niece and make sure she is not going to do anything stupid.

Then I get an email from the lead person for my program at UNLV to let me know since I missed class I might be dropped from the program. Oh yeah, now I am reading an email with underlying threats because I decided that maybe being with my family when it was falling apart was more important than to attend a class I am just monitoring anyway.

So, it's ugly...I understand just how fucking ugly people can be but when is enough, enough? I understand I may be paying for a lot of shit I did throughout my life but why must it come at me all at once? Does anyone seem to understand just how tanked I may be, or become with one more fucking major dramatic event thrown at me?

So, in a very unlike-me fashion, I called a friend and lost it. I cried, bitched, felt sorry for myself and took a breath. My heart is aching, for sure but when I was walking to my car and lifted my head up only to see her and her daughter with a bag of "tricks" to offer a very old, worn-out soul, I actually did breathe.

Just when I wanted to give up on people, to allow myself to lose all faith in the beauty of people, when I could have cursed God and all of his wisdom, they turned the corner. Thank you for saving me from the abyss, no telling how lost I could have become in this very ugly time in my life.

I love my friends, I appreciate you in ways that surprise me because I keep the real important things close and guarded, never truly trusting anyone with the deep-dark shit. I thank you and yet when I say that, it feels so inadequate. To renew my faith, even just a small amount is priceless...golden. So once again, I thank you!!

Open Doors...

I am sure we can all guess I am not a "glass half-full" type person. I have never been one to be overly optimistic but I am also not the type of person that thinks that every single minute of life sucks or that all that happens in my life is out of my control. There is no wizard behind a curtain controlling every outcome; there is just me, moving along my path at a pace that exhausts me right down to my core.

When I hear people say when one door closes, another opens, my frustration level is off the scales. This view I do not embrace...mainly due to most doors closing have not been in my control--they have not been my decision to make. The other problem I have with this optimistic theory is, well, I am totally aware when a door slams in my life~ I am just not always awake to hear the next door opening. In my opinion, opening doors should have a bell attached so we could prepare for another new opportunity presenting itself.

Sometimes when doors open it feels like "Let's Make a Deal", three doors, three choices, no help with what door you should choose. There have been many times throughout my days that I chose the door with the mule decked out in flowers behind it and regretted choosing curtain # whatever. I am not asking for a magic wand, I do not wish for someone to give me the answers I so desire but just once I would like to know I am headed down the path that was the best choice, the healthiest choice, the one choice that will lead me to whatever will make my life complete.

History has proven I do not go down the path that is easiest. Given the choice, I will chose the door with turmoil, heartbreak, and devastation behind it, every fucking time. I begin not to trust my decisions and become timid...afraid to act at all. I know all about the road less traveled...I understand that much of my life, I have walked through doors that no other would. I have been searching, seeking answers, some form of a life I desire and have failed too many times to grasp.

I guess I should be grateful I am still willing to walk through the open doors, that I am strong enough to close the door behind me and fully embrace what will come next. I should never allow myself to take the easy road; it does not suit me. The easy doors bore me, they are unsatisfying and empty. So, for now, I will leave the easy path for someone else. For today, I will walk through each door like a battering ram, head-strong and fierce. Today, I will walk with my head high through each challenge and I will be better because of it.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms in my life and to all of my dear friends who know I still may need some motherly advice every now and again.

Being a mother is a tough gig. It comes with much despair however the happiness it can hold is beyond imagination. When we become a mother, an understanding that our life must change envelopes us. No longer watching out for ourselves, our children become our first and only priority.

When our children fail, we bleed...when our children succeed, we triumph. Every emotion they discover along the journey we feel with an intensity second to none. We lie awake hoping for a life better than our own for our little ones. We hope they will find happiness, true love, less hurts, more joy...it is just what we do. We want to protect them from the pain that living can bring yet we know they must find their own way much of the time. As mother's we are there to pick them up, brush them off, and move them along their path.

We kiss their sorrows away, nurse them back to health when required, and make sacrifices they will not comprehend. We are to blame for all that is wrong in their world yet when things are at their toughest they return to seek the comfort of their mother's arms.

We may not always hear thank you, or I love you, or you are the best...many times we get the complete opposite. Think back to when you were young, there is a cyclical nature to things. What you now appreciate in regards to your mother, your children will as well when they are old enough to understand.

Do something beautiful today, on your special day...love yourself and give yourself well-deserved kudos. Know that you are without a doubt the best mother you know how to be, that the love you feel for your children is unwavering, supportive, and blind...as it was meant to be.

Getting lost in the gray...

Everything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability. Everything I do comes with an intensity that may be hard to understand by some. If I make a choice to commit, I do so with a passion that is at times unreasonable, at times contagious, at times pure insanity and I have no intention of changing anytime soon. It may not be a choice others are willing to make, but for me, I have made a decision to live in a very black and white world. Living this way puts some questions to rest and at the same creates havoc within me.

When life's events are put into black and white...good or bad, beautiful or ugly, it takes the "what if" thinking out of the equation. It is either black or white...simple. I love hard, live hard, joke hard, fight hard, hate hard. I tell people upfront I am intense and I do so not to make apologies but to warn them never to come back to me later complaining. I do not enjoy gray, I do not understand gray and I refuse to try. Make no mistake, living this way is my choice and it is not always easy. There are things in my life that I would love to have the gray areas take over so I would not have to acknowledge they are leaning towards the black.

What I have learned is when I delve into the gray, I lose myself. I become a person I do not recognize and it is too difficult to bring me back to reality. When in a gray moment, I justify actions of others that in my world are inexcusable. If I live honest, upfront, and open then do I not deserve for the people around me to give the same? I no longer make excuses for others that do not believe life should be lived exactly as they feel it. If you are angry, show it...if you are happy, show it...if you are sad, show it...if you are proud, show it...be intense because you deserve to live with clarity. Stop hiding your emotions thinking you will save yourself or another from the grief. Gray is the stick we use to beat ourselves to the bone; it lives as misguided hope we can change an outcome from black to white. As we try to hide our feelings we enter a world of gray...alone, empty, unknowing.

Honor your feelings, feel them as either black or white and know it can be just that simple.

In a name

My mother, in her infinate wisdom, spelled my name with only one "S" in order to prevent anyone from shortening my name to Jess or Jessie. This has worked well actually because not only does no one in my life use the before-mentioned names, I am not even called by my full name, Jesica.

As far back as I can remember, I have always had some nickname that others would use to get my attention. My mother was actually the first to provide a nickname, which was Jinx. When growing up, I hated this name. I felt it was a dig, like she thought I jinxed her life and I am almost positive that is exactly how she felt. She one time asked me why my friends do not use this term of endearment and I know I just gave her a look and thought no fucking way am I telling them this.

It makes me giggle thinking of some of the nicknames I have inspired people to call me. It jazzes me that the people in my life that love me are moved to give me a special name. Almost all of my nicknames are used by just one person, special only to them and our friendship. How fucking rocking is this?

At one point in my life, I would have given over everything I hold dear betting I would not have one mother fucker remember me if I were no longer on this Earth. I honestly never realized the impact I had on my loved ones and never appreciated my worth~ however that measured up. With growth, with hard work, I have begun to realize that I am shown love always~~each and every day. When a friend calls me by their made-up name, I am given a gift. Every single time someone is inspired to create a nickname for me, I know that I have made a positive impact in their lives; I moved them--made an impression.

So, what is in a name? For me, it is the love, admiration, and respect of a person that loves me, gets the insanity, and feels their life is richer because I have visited their world. Keep creating names for me and I promise to continue to inspire you to call me by whatever name you feel appropriate.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart...the heart of a Freak, of a Criminal, of a Whirlwind, of a Force of Nature, of a Vampire...thank you for each and every name I have earned, one way or another, thank you.

In my dreams

In my dreams you are here with me, lying next to me, nuzzling your face into my neck. In my dreams, you are there when I get home, I feel your strong hands caress my face, my neck, my shoulders. In my dreams, I hear your voice speak my name using barely a whisper. In my dreams we live as one--we fight, we make love, we are simply forever. In my dreams, we hold hands, we laugh, you kiss my heartbreak away and I have not one doubt that you are mine...in love with me forever. In my dreams, I am able to love your sorrow and doubt into submission. In my dreams, you breathe life into my soul. In my dreams, we share our life, our days, our successes, our heartaches...if only in my dreams.

Oh yes, living in a dream world can be quite beautiful. The problem with dreams is one must wake from them--eventually. No matter how you long to return to the beautiful oasis of your dreams--your temporary hiatus from reality; the dawning of a new light requires you open your eyes and begin again.

Living in my beautiful dream world is all I have left of you. As each day begins I only long to fall back into a blissful sleep dreaming you are here, with me, for eternity. It angers my soul when my eyes can no longer remain closed and I need to leave the fantasy world I have created. When I awake, truth floods in and it takes me just a moment...I must stop myself from screaming; from crying out in pain. I take a deep breath in, throw the covers away, and brace for another day where reality holds a void no other can fill. I continue to go through the motions, live my life, and ensure that I am completely spent by the end of my days so I may swiftly fall back into your arms as slumber takes hold.

Good night, my dream, I pray you will be waiting for me to resume our beautiful rendezvous as sleep takes over my conscious mind.

A Brutal, Beautiful Learning Adventure

The past 12 months has been absolutely insane. I fell into a life that at times I look at from a distance and think, "Who the hell is that??" I have been on a journey that has been both beautiful and brutal. When it comes right down to it, I am so thankful that the amazing parts have been tempered with ugliness because it makes it real for me.

I found the strength to spread my wings, to run into the fire, to reach out, to seek, to smile, to cry, to laugh; to live. It is not always pretty, actually, it is messy, and turbulent, and intense. I no longer try to wrap my life in a pretty package so my heartbreak is hidden. I no longer care to hide the human part of myself. I embrace the crazy, I embrace the emotion, the joy, the sorrow, the anger, the pride I have felt for myself. What a difference a year can make!

I am not asking or expecting one person to like me, my tactics, my insanity...I no longer care to seek out acceptance from people I do not respect. Ultimately, the only person who has an opinion I care to know is my own. Have I been a person of substance? Did I make a positive impact on another person? Did I stay true to who I am? Did I honor my commitment to living a life I am proud of?

Absolutely...as much turmoil that this has created, I am still fighting. When you have intensity, people will line up just to take their shots at destroying you. They see your light and are willing to do just about anything to snuff it out. What has dawned on me...nothing pisses people off more when they are unsuccessful at killing your spirit. It drives them crazy and I have now learned to watch as they attempt to inflict pain and just smile. They are banging their heads against the wall and gaining no ground on their quest.

People that are worthless, that deserve nothing more than my contempt, who try like mad to hurt me are a dime a dozen. Karma has taken hold of their lives and everything in their world is a broken-down mess. Their ignorance and hatefullness has ruled their lives for far too long and now the ugly has taken over. The beauty of this, they did it to themselves yet have a list as long as their arms of who they blame. I had nothing to do with them destroying their own happiness...I just sat and observed.

So, to these individuals that are determined to kill my spirit, to further damage my soul, to break my broken heart, my question...Let me know how that has worked for you. How is your life going so far? You happy, content, proud...are you enjoying life and how you live it? These questions I need not know the answer to...I think we can all guess that even if they answered it would not be truthful. But what I can guarantee, what I know with every fiber is that when they are alone in their dark world, the answers make them ache to be better, to be a person that has grace, to possess a light others are drawn to.

In my very grown-up way I think...SUCKS FOR THEM! No one likes ugly, not even the person who creates it!

My prayers...

Dear Lord...I haven't done this for quite some time so please be patient with a broken soul. Deep breath...

Dear Lord, please stop madness from taking hold of my heart. Please give me a clear path to whatever happiness I may deserve from this world. Please keep safe my soul, which is as fragile as a butterfly wing. Please help me walk boldly into the fire without getting burned beyond recognition.

Please open my eyes to the suffering in this world and provide the strength to make it better. Please show me the beauty I possess when feeling insecure, allow me to believe I am special, loved, and enjoyed by the people in my life. Please help me stop the whirlwind when I am exhausted. Please let peace envelope my heart, allow it to guide me when the devil has taken hold.

Please give me the grace to forgive those who attempt to destroy my spirit, myself included. Please continue to be the voice of reason, to scream when needed, if only to get my attention...provide warnings when I am about to inflict pain. Please help me brace my heart when I am about to get demolished by hurts that come from unexpected places.

Please remind me to release the death grip on things I cannot control. Please remind me that not having control does not equal being out of control. Please give me the fortitude to understand the difference. Please allow me to feel love, show love, embrace those that need love even when I cannot muster any feeling at all. Remind me that although I may hurt, I need not make another soul hurt just for the company. Please remind me that winning may be simply taking myself out of the fight.

Dear Lord, the idea of having faith is an intangible concept I do not quite grasp. I have had faith in people, possessions, and circumstances that have broken me. Please wash love over my soul so that I may share it with all my demons...to prove once and for all that I am deserving; I am worthy; I am beautiful.

To inspire

I feel a responsibility to have an impact on this world and to the individuals that enter my life. If you believe there is a reason for everything than you must be cognizant of this with every encounter you face on your journey. Not to wonder why someone enters your life and how it will benefit you but to question what they may need from you, in particular, that they showed up on your doorstep.

People lose sight of what to be human means. None of us are perfect, none of us have not been scared just by walking through this life, but does that mean we should not feel some responsibility to help those suffering directly in front of us? Should we not make every effort to be an inspiration--to give hope for a better world? Maybe, if we were willing to inspire, we would, in turn, be inspired to become a better human being, to become someone we are proud to be?

An artist friend speaks of having many muses...shouldn't we all have those people that inspire us to reach for greatness, to become amazing, to offer a reflection of our souls so that we may adjust when necessary? I chose to surround myself with the very people that will teach me to become better, to become whole, to become who I wish to be.

It may not be in your comfort zone to allow the reality of who you are to lay on your mind long enough to understand it. You may not wish to evaluate why you chose not to inspire but we all have a responsibility to each and every survivor~ We must be willing to show our scars proudly, to learn from them, to teach others how to avoid them, and to give each other the strength to embrace the scars yet to be inflicted. Understand~know from the depth of your being, we will be beautiful in spite of them; because of them.

By any means necessary...

What kind of animal are you~what animal do you think would represent you? I was asked this question in one of my college courses and I said immediately I was a panther. My justification or explanation for this...I am beautiful, powerful, intense, people want to own me, to feel my beauty, but they need to take heed because I will turn on them when I am feeling threatened. I will attack and fight to the death if backed in a corner. I will be more beautiful if not caged and if treated with respect, honor, and a healthy dose of trepidation, I may just allow you near me, to feel my silky fur on your skin.

I am and always have been a fierce competitor. I will fight to the end and I view everything in my life as a competition. I was raised always being compared to my siblings, having to fight with them to win whatever competition my mother felt necessary at the time. I am no cheater but I will utilize every weapon at my disposal to come out victorious. I am a gladiator, I believe every battle is a fight to the death and I would rather see my opponent destroyed than for me to be the one who is defeated.

With this being said, I fight to win and most of the time, I fight to my detriment. I have the power to destroy people, their spirit--mortally wound them. However, most of the time, I will walk away, with their blood in my mouth, feeling as though I needlessly took it to a level I am not proud of. Logically, I know that their actions, why I needed to fight in the first place, will shed light on their inadequacies; that in the recesses of their mind they fully understand just how bad their transgressions against me were.

I am tired of fighting yet I am more exhausted over the need to fight. I wish that people would be honest, communicate what it is they want, need, what their motives are so I would not have to try and figure it out. When left to chew on something, I will become creative as to the reasons someone is behaving the way they are and I become the panther, pacing, waiting for a sign I need to attack. Be honest about your intentions...even saying you are not sure what they are is better than blowing sunshine up my ass and having me wish to destroy you later when the realization I am going to get hurt dawns on me. Do not play with a panther, she will protect herself to the death. She will fight to keep her world intact, her sanity protected. It is what she has been taught to do...it is the very essence of who she is...it is in her nature to protect herself~by any means necessary.

Having the last word

As I know I am not the only one who must have the last word in an argument, I wonder what damage this trait has had on our lives? In order for us to be the winner of a challenge, an argument, a place in this world, do we establish essentially nothing of worth--nothing of value? Do we forsake our own well being in order to have the last word in a debate that ultimately means very little?


I am the most competitive person I know, this we know. However, every battle I encounter takes its toll on my spirit and I no longer wish to have my very being become the collateral damage. To fight with someone just so they may see my way is ridiculous...I know they cannot convince me to agree with their reasoning or opinion so it stands to reason that if I think I can convince another human being to agree with mine is just plain stupid.

Live your life, as you chose...have your opinions, have your ways, take your stance...it is not for me to try and change. I will agree to live my life, to have my opinions, and I will certainly take my stance. I will grab my place in this world and if you do not violate my space, I will not violate yours.

Use caution when you enter someones world. Do not intend to do harm, but be honest with yourself when you do and offer an apology. Be gracious, be respectful, be mindful of where that person may be in their life. They may be in a position of weakness, may be vulnerable so take heed. Not one person in this world has the right to abuse another...you have no right to leave a person's spirit more damaged when you leave them. To destroy a person's beauty is not admirable, it's just pathetic.

There are many words that I just love...they invoke such emotion that I have many written down in a book. Respect, Admiration, Sunshine, Dreamer, Beauty, Awesome, Strength, Promise, Integrity, Honesty, Graciousness, Healer, Trust-worthy...I have so many choices but they all seem to have a common thread. If you have not yet figured what that thread is, maybe you need to delve into your soul and open your eyes to the person you are and realize some adjustments may be in order.

With love...