No longer chasing rainbows~

When I desire something, I usually do whatever it takes to get exactly what I want...here is the shit part of that equation--once I get what it is that I have been fighting for, it never seems to quiet the unrest within my soul. I want more...I want different...I just plain want something else. Never satisfied, never happy, always chasing down the next pot of gold at the end of each rainbow I encounter.

I have been chasing rainbows my entire life. The thought of finding peace and serenity is intoxicating. I do not know if I will ever come close to grabbing the rainbow or if I have been running so hard that I passed that opportunity a lifetime ago.

I am out of gas. I cannot seem to muster the energy it takes to chase down one more rainbow. Unless it falls into my lap as I lay sleeping, it will not be fought for, I will not battle one more person to prove I am worthy. I cannot survive it, I will not endure it, and I no longer fear the alternative. I have given up many things I have loved and though I am still breathing, I certainly have not lost these things without some of who I am dying away.

Maybe rainbows are not meant to be caught--maybe we should admire their beauty and leave the chasing to mystical creatures. Life does not live and breathe within the context of rainbows--it lives and dies within our souls~the very souls outside forces attempt to destroy, corrupt, and jade into blackness. The rainbows should serve as a reminder that the world holds beauty out in the open for us to witness but never capture. Admire but never encapsulate.

No more rainbows please...I no longer see potential for happiness within its colors. I see painful memories of failing miserably and now I just wish I can be still long enough to heal those wounds. This would be a decadence I am unfamiliar with but would treasure more than any pot of gold.

The Ultimate in Vanity

I am writing this not to receive admiration, votes of support or to be shown love. I write this because it has been a struggle and education that I want to share with people...it is something about me I would have thought I would take to the grave never speaking of. Sit back and read...see yourself in my words. If you do, do not despair because changing your perspective is within your grasp.

Broken and mangled, I used to dream of death--my death. Many times I thought about ending the misery of my existence and there were a few times it became more than just a thought. When I questioned why I kept on struggling, I used to think about my funeral and what it would be like. If I died today, would anyone be sad? Who would show up to my funeral? What would people say about me? At my darkest, I would think no one would come to grieve...no one. Of course this reality, however skewed, would cut me down to the bone and perpetuate the hatred I had for the person I was.

My funeral would be as sad as my existence. Lonely, pathetic, dark and despicable--just like me. It was just another representation that I was unworthy of the very air I breathed in order to remain alive. Was I feeling sorry for myself...absolutely. Did some of my abusive thoughts ring true--absolutely. Did I need to figure my way out of this horrendous hole...without a doubt.

I have agonized over the smallest bullshit. I have beaten myself to a pulp over things no one but me cared about. I have hated myself longer and harder than I ever deserved. Then I become embolden...I got angry. This anger gave me the strength to meet my demons...each and every single one and the battle for my soul ensued. I began to cradle my heart in order to heal it and I allowed all of the windows into my soul to remain open for the hope of love and peace to find them.

I no longer care to think of my funeral and who may be in attendance. Show up, don't show up...say nice things, say hateful things. I no longer wish to devote the precious time I have to focus on what I cannot control. What I have now, what my life consists of now, is a type of love and support that does not come from pity. I am jazzed with my world...I feel every emotion down to my core and never does self-loathing, self-pity, or self-degradation come into the mix.

You are all invited...not to my funeral...no, I invite you to witness the beauty you may find when you believe you can be the source of inspiration, that you can become beautiful where it counts--within your heart. Look at every scar, wrinkle, stretch mark and embrace them for they bare witness of our struggles but take heed never to allow them to define you. Be beautifully fierce with the love you show this world and you may understand why vanity is one of the deadly sins--it blinds us to what should be valued above all else. Love~

Desire Extraordinary!

To live an extraordinary life is within our power; it lies with the choices made during our journey, the people we share our hearts and souls with, and the people who love us back despite our transgressions. Extraordinary is proven by the grace we demonstrate as we ride the stormy waters. It is in the realization we are our own worst enemy and honored by the ability to get out of our own way.

It is the understanding we must sit quietly to hear the answers we seek. It is contained within our struggles and proven by our triumphs. It is defined by our ability to survive intact, continue to breathe regardless, and to show love more than any other emotion. It is revealed when we decide to uplift others despite being buried with sadness. It is the sacrificing of our sanity so we may heal the heart of another.

It is when you are a source of inspiration...when you provide hope to the hopeless...when you provide light for another in their time of darkness. It is when you choose to tell someone something beautiful expecting nothing in return. It is when you are willing to accept what is offered with a simple thank you and allow that act of kindness to replace bitterness with optimism.

It is in the laughter, the sadness, the craziness--all of the bumps and bruises we endure that make extraordinary possible. It is giving people access to your life without fear, without hesitation, without bias. It is loving your life without the need for edits. It is honored by the steps we take each day to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

An extraordinary life is created when we choose to forgo competing for the future and begin loving the present. It is having your cup runneth over instead of spilling it intentionally. It is feeding another instead of draining them dry. It lies within our willingness to provide a lifeline to a troubled friend and denying the feeling of shame when asking for it in return. It is accepting when we make mistakes, do all we can to rectify them, and forgive ourselves for simply being human.

Extraordinary stems from imperfections...it is solidified when our flaws are showcased~when we view our scars as indication we will always fight for a more enriched existence. It will envelop us when we embrace humility in lieu of pride. When you say more kind words than hateful ones...when you respect what others are trying to accomplish and provide assistance instead of road blocks, extraordinary begins.

Discover an extraordinary life by demonstrating the ability to use restraint gracefully~~effortlessly. When the power we possess is used sparingly so we never exploit another creature, becoming exceptional is on the horizon. It is understanding the power words have and cautiously choosing how we package our opinions so we may never damage someone to their core.

Living extraordinary begins when we show unconditional respect and love for all living things...to honor each organism's worth--where we stop feeling entitled and begin feeling blessed. When we can provide solace from hatred--when we become the source of beauty in this world; when we decide the act of offering a helping hand is worth the risk of getting that hand bit that we open our life to the possibility of extraordinary.

We do not have to agree...however, we share this world and that entitles each one of us to hope, desire, and dream of healthier tomorrows. Though I will not speak for anyone but myself, I assure you that if we all strive to make our lives more fulfilled, more joyous, more extraordinary, every living thing can partake in the amazing beauty that may be created.

Dare to live the life you desire...Dare to be extraordinary...Desire extraordinary!!

Let me color your world...

Breathe life into my heart...change my perspective, change my course and make me fall into you for a lifetime. Do you understand what I offer--do you know that all I ever wanted to was to love you--to be loved by you? Fall into me--while I look into your eyes know that my heart is safe--trustworthy--honorable; full of beautiful color. I will protect you until my last breath, I will enrich your life, and I will share an amazing journey with you. If given the chance, I will mend what is broken, I will redefine your idea of beauty. If you allow me, I will be your protector, your warrior when the fight in you is no longer strong. I will be as gentle as a butterfly, I will be the light when darkness surrounds you. I will give to you a life full of color~~a life others crave. Let me paint your world with vibrant love--with a beauty that makes all else pale in comparison.

Reveal to me your heart--open your spirit and I will love you eternally...passionately. I will help create a life that showers you in color. Fall into me, my love--be confident that I can give you all that you need and desire. Show me unwavering loyalty and in return I will give you nothing but an honest heart and devoted soul. My goal is not be to conquer your heart...not to win at all costs--my goal is to enrich your life--to present an alternative to living in a black and white world. Let me show you what true love can be...let me redefine what life should look like...allow me to teach you how to trust, how to love, how to open your heart to all the colors in the rainbow.

Holding back is detrimental to everything you are--open your eyes and jump. I will share my path~~my life with you alone--take my hand; feel its strength. Let go of your preconceived notions--send your demons away and I will wrap you in my arms~~enveloping your soul with greens, blues, pinks, yellows, oranges. Let me breathe intensity into you. Allow my heart to paint your path beautiful and I will forever prove that love can sustain you--can feed your entire being with gorgeous color. Let me shower your world with every hue nature created. Allow your eyes to see this amazing beauty--look through the kaleidoscope and breathe, my love--take a deep breath and allow yourself to fall into a gorgeous existence.

Witching Hour

Are you full of regret? Do you wish you could have a
do-over? Can you look at yourself and not be ashamed of the choices you have made? If asked whether you have made a positive impact on this world, what would the truthful answer be? Do these questions make you uncomfortable--feel like vomiting?? Do you avoid looking at your life at all costs for fear you may not like what you discover?

Ladies and gentlemen...it's time. It is time to look at these questions and get them answered honestly within your heart. The choices we make impact not just ourselves but all of those who we encounter on our journey. We have paved our road with bullshit...we continue to pray that our deceit will not be discovered and yet it takes a skilled liar to hide the truth from themselves. I can almost guarantee that not one of us is that talented...the truth lies on our hearts and takes over our spirit--eventually.

Each of us has a Witching Hour...that hour every day that we cannot hide from the truth...the hour in which we can no longer spoon-feed ourselves justifications for the poor choices we have made and the realization of how damaging we have been envelopes our soul. Where acceptance from all of the ugly we have created in the lives of others is brutally apparent and understanding we must get real slaps us with verocity.

Your Witching Hour will continue to present itself every day until you begin to make choices to improve the lives of those around you, until you understand and respect the power you have to damage another, until you grasp the concept that your responsibility in this life is to create a loving, safe, and nurturing world.

Facing yourself~~your soul~~your Witching Hour is uncomfortable, painful, and ugly but oh so necessary. Try to avoid it and it will lie waiting for you to slow down enough so it may hit you with such intensity you are left gasping for air. Understanding that our demons will visit us daily, we must be cognizant that they refuse to be ignored for too long. We must decide to live with beauty, grace, and respect. We must face our demons, our mistakes, our hurtful transgressions in order to achieve peace and harmony within our spirit. We must begin to make amends for the abuse we have hurled at others and make choices that will not fill our hearts with shame and embarrassment.

My soul is mine to keep safe...your soul is not my possession and therefore, I have no right to damage it as if it were my own. Protecting your heart and soul is not adequate reason enough to hurt others. You get no pass from your Witching Hour by justifying your hurtfulness. You always have a choice...always have options and make no mistake, the choices are always given to you upfront. It is our ignorance, it is our willingness to listen to the easy choice and to silent those choices that best serve our integrity that we find so embraceable. We silence the hard choices with justifications and we stop honoring our ideals because it is simply easier. It takes less work to chose ugly...it comes naturally. Yet, as we all know, it is only easier at the time...because our Witching Hour quickly approaches and our selfish-lazy decisions will come for a visit; shining light on our inadequacies.

Prepare for your Witching Hour by slowing down as you are presented life-choices. Honor your integrity by choosing love, honesty, and beauty above everything. Stop ignoring how your choices impact the world around you and believe that with this understanding you can develop everlasting devotion to making this world better; to making you better. Dedicate yourself to improving the lives of others~~make a choice to never, ever allow past hurts to guide you and help create an amazing journey for us to revel in.

Face your Witching Hour each day knowing that you have created joy. Have an open and honest discussion with your demons, apologize for your brutality, and begin to live better, healthier, and happier. Love should be the only emotion allowed to guide us...fear, skepticism, jealousy must have no place in the decision-making process and we must never give those emotions more energy than our desire for beautiful love. Become better at the human part of life...put yourself out there; show your flaws, appreciate the amazing world that surrounds you and become a fucking rock star. You deserve that...you need to fight for that and decide that you will chose humanity over brutality each and every time.

Breathing...come to me, my Witching Hour, I have new rules that must be addressed for today I chose to be guided by love instead of ruled by fear.

Friend or Foe...

Decide right now...stop fucking around with me and make a decision. Who are you to me, define it, put a name on it, and honor your decision. Are you my friend or my enemy? Do you set out to lift me up or knock me down? Why do you feel justified treating me with hatred, abuse, and disdain one moment and then shower me with praise, adoration, and love the next?

If you are under the opinion that I will continue to allow such abuse, you are delusional. If you think that I will not fight back, think again. Continuing to act as though I am unworthy is futile. It is within my power to stop this madness. I am the Gate-Keeper...I get to chose what is allowed into my world. I am emboldened to be an advocate for my sanity...I am empowered to fight evil from settling down deep within my soul...I will grasp beauty rather than discard it. I will trade serenity in exchange for the poison hurled at my soul day in and day out.

Welcome~~This is my daily struggle between my brain and soul. Every day, I must remain in the fight between these entities. My soul tells my brain--you will no longer slay me with your torturous words. My brain laughs and thinks to itself..."We'll see"!

I never know which will be victorious...I cannot turn my brain off when it is full of abuse, ugly, and destructive tendencies. My brain wishes me to think I am unworthy; that I am nothing more than a joke to the world; that I deserve nothing but contempt from others. I thank the heavens that my soul is just as loud--just as bold... I can hear my soul screaming, "I am NOT listening!!", to all of the doubt my brain assaults me with.

My soul, which embodies fierceness, which reminds me that I am beautiful, which will fight to the death to keep me above water, continues to battle my brain's negativity with the deftness of a skilled warrior. My brain, however, is coiled like a rattlesnake, poised to attack whenever my soul may be wounded, healing, or full of fear. My brain will continue to send reminders of the insecurities I possess...it will remind my soul of all the regrets, broken hearts, and tragedies I have experienced throughout my lifetime. My brain breathes deeply because as these reminders are served my soul shrinks--fearful . My brain becomes powerful with anger and feeds off the fear encapsulated in my soul--becoming ferocious.

Do we not all have these struggles...always thinking that we are not good enough, not worthy of amazingness? Do we not beat the shit out of ourselves daily--never allowing credit for the great things we do to sit for very long on our brains? We gravitate towards destruction when given the choice and we will find anyway possible to discount positive opinions about who we are, what we are, and how we are.

For today, I make the choice to become my own friend. I will fight forever to quiet the doubts my brain so willingly accepts and enjoy the person I am...if only for today. Tomorrow the battle will begin again but just for this moment in time, I will allow the realization that I am a fucking rock star to envelope my entire being. I will chose to love myself, flaws and all. I will embrace my imperfections and know that without them, I would not have arrived here...and where I am right now is exactly where I need to be.

Be my friend, my special needs brain...do not make me wish to destroy you---let's become a team~a force of determination to embrace who we have become, enjoy our life, and be grateful for all that we are. I look forward to the day when my entire spirit works in unison~~For that beautiful day, I will become unstoppable.

Remember When?

Take a vacation from yourself, your issues, your fuck-ups...you know, D...all of the above--leave it all behind and just breathe. Like a day at the beach, breathing, playing, and forgetting momentarily that your life is a mess~~a mess you have done a fantastic job in creating.

Do you remember what you thought life would be like when you were young? Do you remember thinking, "I will be a liar, a cheat, a game player, a judgemental fool?" No, we all had high aspirations on how our lives would develop and how noble we would be. What happened? Where did we lose track of of ourselves--what happened to our determination that our life was going to mean something?


I know how the game is played. With all I do in life, I can be an amazing game player...my choice, however, is to leave the game playing to people who have nothing substantial to fill their time with. I desire honesty, integrity, intensity, and will accept nothing less. It is exhausting that with every encounter I have to dodge bullshit, lies, and deception.

So, let's agree~~Let's take a vacation...let's stop all the lies, the drama, and agree to give it all a rest. Take a deep breath, enjoy your life, stop being jealous of others, quit judging what you do not understand and take a vacation from yourself. Learn to laugh again, learn to love again without bitterness or trepidation, learn to be a better man or woman, learn to enjoy who you are, and fall into a life you can revel in. Stop being concerned what everyone else is doing and start being concerned with who you are, who you have become, and how to make the necessary changes to become that person you envisioned not so long ago.

Snow White

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...please help me when I fall. I am falling now, at this moment and I am scared to death to begin this journey. The stakes are way higher this time...there is way too much to lose, too much that can be damaged. I am paralyzed with an out-of-character fear that has taken me off my game and has made me timid. I am unfamiliar with this person who stares back at me from deep within--my footing is unsure, slipping.

Ultimately, the question I must ask and answer for myself is, "Can you fall boldly without over thinking, without sabotaging things? Can you allow yourself to fall into something amazing without self-destructing? Looking in the mirror, I ask myself these questions and my answer... "Yes, I so fucking hope so!!"

Jesie, don't screw this up with your broken-down spirit. Allow yourself time to fall into this man, who has shown unwavering patience and undeniable support. Appreciate all that has been offered to you and enjoy feeling protected, safe, loved. None of your little helpers can come save you from yourself this time, my love. You must remain dedicated to creating a life that you have desired for a lifetime. Give to this man all of you...show him every single part of your soul and just this once you may discover amazing love.

I am not Snow White...I have no magic mirror...I do not have seven helpers to save me from falling and unfortunately, the Wicked Witch lives within my brain. She will continue to convince me to eat the poisonous apple with each beautiful moment I encounter. The battle over my worth, over my deservingness of love continues....with a sure hand, I will pull my sword and I will prepare to battle the demons within my heart put there by people that wanted nothing more than to destroy my spirit.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, please allow me to fall...with amazing grace and a smile within my heart. Please provide light so I may see clearly the journey I am beginning...please quiet my fears and help me open my heart for what good things are offered to me.

My friend, my beautiful friend

Mon ami...you asked me to write something for you. Anything you ask of me I will give to you freely, without anything required in return except that you listen to my words...feel them within your broken down spirit and let my love wash over you; to build a fortress to protect the beautiful woman you have always been.

Never allow your thunder to be stolen...Never allow someone unworthy to break you down. You are amazing...you give until you have nothing left and we should all be lucky to call you a friend. Hold strong to your spirit and honor your heart...let go of the ugly bullshit that someone wants to bring into your life. Never, ever allow another to destroy your giving soul.

Do you know what you have done for me...everything. You have created a safe place where I can question my life, break down, cry, scream, laugh and know that someone in this world loves me that isn't "required" to. Forever and a day we will be friends, we will share something not one person may understand but will want for themselves.

Although you may think you have not one ounce of fight left in you, I promise, you do. If you cannot defend yourself, I will fight til the death, my death, in order for you to press on. I will breathe life into your broken body, and will provide you nourishment. I will help you see just how fucking beautiful you are. Never ever doubt just what this friend will do in order to put a smile on your face.

Hang in there, my love...I am but a phone call away. Now, listen to my words...you cannot take some of what I say as truth and then justify my words away about how fabulous you are.

Breathe my broken friend...this too will pass and amazing things are right on the horizon.

Crashing Silently

When love is new anything seems possible. You feel renewed, excited, reborn. You wake each day excited to be with the one person you crave and end each day fighting sleep afraid that you will miss an opportunity to love them one more time this day.

You are screaming with every fiber...I am in love with you, hoping they hear you without having to sacrifice the security that silence seems to bring. Too afraid to allow those words to escape your lips, never jeopardizing your position of nonchalance. Does he know...can he feel that the protective cover on my heart has been removed? Does he understand that as I open myself to the possibility of love he has the power to inflict irreversible damage? If he does know this...if he understands this power I so willing offer him, will he use it to hurt me?

I didn't want to need him...I did not want to ache to feel his arms embrace me...I did not expect to go any deeper than skin deep yet he took me by surprise. Every day, with every caring action, each time he shows compassion, each time he goes outside of his own comfort zone to make me peaceful, I fall a bit farther into him. I am not sure I trust him and I absolutely know I do not trust myself. I suck at relationships and if there is to be an exception to this, I dearly hope this is the time.

I have not said a word about loving him. I have not whispered those three words in his ear no matter how I wish to. I do love him but I want to be in love with him as well and on this point, I am unsure. Love has brutalized me, has made me leary of every emotion felt or shown by another. It seems as though I have a recording of all the tragedies I have encountered due to someone "loving" me and it plays like a warning...it serves as a reminder that I should not trust my judgment or how one may think they feel for me.

I am an easy person to love...initially. When the honeymoon is over, it becomes close to impossible to continue to love me. Love's sustainability is always a question--loving me for any length of time becomes exhausting, turbulent, and ultimately sacrificed for a more sane existance.

As I wait for him to come home to me I know that I am in love with a man that has a quiet beauty about him. He has been destroyed by people, hurt beyond recognition but he has emerged from the pain and has opened his life to me. I wait, still scared, still holding back, but I know that all I wish to do at this very moment in time is to crash into his heart and stay there...safe, secure, loved. Crashing...softly, beautifully, silently.

K*W*L

During my classes, I have learned how to use graphic organizers. One that I like is the K*W*L—It stands for What do you know…What do you want to learn…What have you learned? I think you can apply this to many situations…like friendships.

By no means am I a stupid woman however it seems to me that I continue down paths that have burned me in the past yet I continue to move right towards the same fucking situation…obviously not learning from my mistakes, not making the necessary adjustments in order to avoid the same disappointing bullshit. Damn special that is…now do I need to evaluate why it is I keep putting myself out there or should I evaluate why people wish to hurt others rather than heal them?

What I know...

For the most part, people suck. They cannot be a friend to themselves much less to another person. Women, especially, suck at being friends. Our brains and hearts are hindered by the emotional wrecks we have become...mainly as a result of other women. Instead of hanging tough, being strong for one another we set out with good intentions only to allow our small little brains to overthink, underestimate, and throw away people that might be good for us. Let's continue this trend...let's not think about how we are alone or lonily because of our stupid selfish assess...no, that would then mean we might have to do something to correct our flaws.

Women are competitors however when they have met their match or if they come up against an opponent that may just kick their stupid behinds, they have a meltdown and will try to beat everyone to the punch and destroy a perfectly good relationship out of fear and mistrust. Maybe we all need to look deep within our spirits and find out why we do not trust others...could it be that you, yourself, cannot be trusted and if you had to chose to be your own friend you would run as fast as you can in the opposite direction??

What I need to learn?

I must stay strong in my resolve that there is not a damn thing wrong with me and that people who screw me over are the ones flawed. I need to learn that becoming jaded is not the answer. That being mistrustful, bitter, and angry only makes me feel like crap. So, instead of becoming something I despise, I will be more cautious. I will pay attention to my inner voice telling me not to trust a mother fucker that deserves to be left on the sidelines. I cannot save people, I cannot ask from them more than they are capable of giving and if it is not up to my standards, then I can walk away...swiftly and not look back.

What I have learned...

I've learned that it takes action in order to have your life mean something. Sitting on the sidelines has never been a route I admire or embrace and I refuse to begin that shit now. I bring an intensity to every action, every embrace, every single emotion and I'm good with this behavior continuing.

People will attempt to change me, they will attempt to bring me down a notch or two and I say to them...Let me know how this works out for you...tell me when you have reached success. If you don't enjoy who I am with no needed or necessary adjustments, then leave me be...walk away silently, without causing harm.

I've learned that I adore who I am...I laugh and enjoy the crazy and have had a life most would dream of. Yup, full of turmoil, absolutely but it has also been filled with amazing memories that blow me out of the water when I remember. I will jump off buildings, I will swim with aligators, I will drive my Harley way too fast and go down in flames...all in the pursuit of living my life as I chose. And that's it...my life...my choices...no need for critiques or comments from people way too afraid to live a life they love. Leave your comments at the door, allow love to fill your heart, and become a friend to yourself. With honesty, integrity, and an unwaivering passion...you will then begin to understand just how amazing friendships can be.

Take a ride with me...

It’s that time again…to take stock in what is important, what is trivial, what is worth fighting for, what needs purging. This is for my continued sanity—for the health of my brain, heart and soul; it’s time to throw some shit out.

Since last August I have been running towards things, running away from others, and I find that I am exhausted beyond reason. I am tired of running but I do understand that I am not exactly sure just how to stop. How does someone learn to just sit and breathe? Not sure I will ever be that type of person and to be honest, I am not exactly sure if I wish to become that type of individual.

Friends and family are worried that I do not take care of myself. This concerns me as well but I am so afraid that when I stop to take care of myself that I will cease to exist. I procrastinate, I avoid, and ultimately I survive the only way I know how. My insanity, my not sleeping, my all-over-the-place brain has served me well and honestly, why change now? Why stop doing what works for me? Why not appreciate my entire being…the madness along with the beauty… because it’s not going anywhere.

I crash and burn but I am a phoenix…it is what I need to do in order to renew my resolve that nothing or no one will ever destroy me. People will continue to try and they will fail because I will never allow someone that deep that they may have the possibility to damage me beyond repair. Nope, never again. I love deeply~absolutely. I never will lose control of my heart, my soul, my spirit. I reel it in, continuing to take inventory with every breath. Heart—check. Soul--check. Spirit--check. When all is intact and safe I can breathe and then power on.

You cannot enjoy me, who I am one minute then wish to change the very trait that makes you love me in the first place. Just because you may have had a change of heart, just because yoy may not be in the mood for my madness right now. Fuck that…love me now, for what I am and for what I am not and enjoy the amazing ride because no one, not one person will make you feel every single emotion in your heart quite like I do. I will make you smile, I will make you crazy, I will frustrate you, I will make you want to sing, I will make you want to punch something, I will make you wish to take care of me, to mother me, to kill me...I will take you on an emotional journey…

And guess what??

Maybe that is exactly what the fuck you need? To live, to be alive, to feel alive—isn’t that what we should be striving for without the need of reminders?? One will never know how I enrich your life if you keep trying to change me...if you refuse to jump, if you are determined to try and change the person I am you may lose the opportunity to have the one person in this world that will never judge you, never cause your harm, never break your spirit and respect your heart forever. Enjoy the ride, my darlings, if nothing else, you will never ever be bored—this is my promise to you which I will honor til death!! Take the ride with me...witness, enjoy, shake your head but enjoy...it's going to be simply bitchin'.

Ugly

Maybe I should not be writing this since my perspective right now is a bit evil but its my therapy so read, don't read...really not sure I care.

When you have had a week that you never saw coming and are not prepared for; when your defenses are down and you open yourself up to people, to love, to possibilities and then get demolished I think no one in the right mind would not be so fucking angry that they could be driven to kill someone.

I try to live my life honestly...it may not be the right choice for many but I pull no punches. I tell each person what my expectations are...as we all know, I have no issues speaking my mind. So, here is my question...is it that people just assume I am like every other fucking idiot who says they speak their mind but nothing but lies spew from their lips??

Let me make this perfectly clear...what I say is exactly what I mean. If I tell you what I want, that is exactly what I want. If I ask you to be gentle, then tread lightly. Jesus, I have enough shit on my plate to fill me up for years...I am not asking you to save me, to help me, to fix a mother fucking thing. I only ask you be honest....with yourself, with me....that's it. Quite simple really.

You will not destroy what I am trying to accomplish, you will never destroy the person I am working so hard to become...fucking come at me and you will feel the wrath of a very tired, exhausted woman trying to secure her place in this world.

You want to get ugly....bring it on. I am close enough to the edge it would not take much effort to jump right into ugly.

Blaze...Create the Fire

There are times when you know that a new day has come. You understand that life as you know it is going to change and with excitement you brace for the beauty that is about to enter your world. This new day is so close and I am so open for the newness to wash over my soul that I can barely contain myself.

I have been touched by the possibility of a lifetime...it scares me; makes me tremble and yet with anticipation I am waiting--ready for my life to change into something I am in love with. I must remain still, just for the moment, to ensure that this beauty finds me and takes hold.

With each day, every new situation, I try to create lasting love. I want the people in my life to look forward to the next encounter...to appreciate who I am, what I am and know there is no other that is so willing to put herself there. I cannot begin to explain how I enjoy this person I sit within my heart. I have worked hard for what seems a lifetime to mold myself into an individual that not only I adore but that is loved in spite of her craziness. It's not easy, doesn't always come naturally but it has been so worth all the stupid bullshit I had to shovel through.

I feel full of life--I feel like the light I shine will never fade. Like a moth to the flame, the people who surround me are drawn to it, to want to be near the fire that burns within my soul and just appreciate the intensity. My desire is to create a fire within each person, to let them see it is okay to fail, it is okay if it takes you a lifetime to get the fire going. With every day that dawns, attempt to spark the flame within your spirit...begin to blaze...I promise it is worth all of the pain and agony you may have to sift through to have your soul burn with a flame created from the struggle, from the pain, from the beauty...

Burn...with love, passion, kindness, and a quiet intensity~

Dating Sucks!!

I want to kill someone when I think about dating...honestly, dating has to be the most miserable shit ever. When you have been away from the dating world for what feels like eternity and then come to the realization it is beginning again, please, someone shoot me...WTF, I would never have guessed I would be here again.

Getting to know someone is painful...it actually causes a painful reaction within me. I have no patience, I am guarded, I am private (don't laugh), and I will not make one fucking excuse for the decisions I have made in the past. To teach someone about who you are, how you became the person standing in front of them today, what moves you, what inspires your passion, why you walked along whatever path you have...sucks! Plain and simple, it is the pits.

Saying this does not mean I do not like the person I may be dating but to start over from the beginning just makes me want to vomit. If you think you might avoid this part by dating someone you know from your past, think again. Nothing is easy about dating.

For a person who says Fuck the Rules with every breath I take, the rules of dating confuse me. I am never sure what is a rule or what is just game playing. How do I show the person I am dating all sides of me before they run screaming from the building? How do you take things slow when you are full of passion, excitement, lust?

Please, when you have these items figured out, could you write them down, send them to me, so I may survive the dating process without killing myself or killing my date?

Do you know...

This one you may want to turn away from, you may be better off not knowing, not feeling its intensity, its ugliness. Consider yourself warned...I am a concrete angel; I have been flying to a place where I feel loved, safe, forgotten about, able to go undercover. Do you know me, my experiences...I bet you don't, I bet you have no idea how I evolved into the whirlwind you see in front of you.

Do you know what ugliness I have witnessed; do you know why the train wreck occurred? Do you assume that it is just because I am bold, brave, and fierce? Ah, silly innocence. Let me tell you, I guarantee to rock your world with this one. To open your eyes wide fucking open...you will not view the craziness the same again. Before I open myself to you, before I reveal my inner brutality, I will once again tell you turn away if you cannot handle it...no excuses, want no pity, just want to open this up to the reality of not knowing the person standing right in front of you.

The beauty of your first time, remember it...that did not happen for me. It was stolen; it was taken by an abuser, a piece of garbage that to this day has not said sorry for taking my beauty away. While I was being abused, I would hear my mother's voice telling me that I am the slut, the whore, why do I push his buttons so. I lived watching his existence being valued above mine, he was a star, and I was the whore, the garbage. Fuck you, mom...

I remember sitting at the kitchen table while my family took a vote whether I should remain living amongst them or whether I should be sent away to some faraway place that was guaranteed to hold even more destruction to my soul. Told once again I would not be good enough for this family that embraced nothing but hatred and ugliness.

I wish the abuse was once with one abuser but I had no such luck. I have had evil set up shop in my life and I had no way of removing it. I had to survive, no matter what, if only because I would be fucking damned that they would win, that I would give them what they desired.

So I ask you, did you know? Do you ever really know? The answer is no. We have no idea what is going on in the next room, the next house, the person standing next to us…keep in mind your ignorance when you wish to judge someone. Understand you know nothing except what is in your heart and leave people better than when you entered their world…you may never know the impact you may have on them.

Let me...

When you have no strength, take mine. When you have no fight left, let me take over. When you are not able to move, let me carry you. When you can't get a grip, take my hands. When you have lost yourself, I will lead the search party to find my beautiful friend. When you are blinded by anger, I will lead you to safety. When you are destroyed by another, let me avenge you. When your heart feels nothing, let me wrap you in the warmth I hold in my heart.

My dear, loved friend...life throws a wrench in it~~we know this. I know your heart and soul aches but it will not be this way forever. We have the amazing power to heal, to renew, to mend what has been broken~~it will take some time.

Stand on my shoulders so you may see the beauty life has to offer. Stand next to me and feel the strength in my friendship and know I will give you whatever it is you need...you simply need to ask. I feel your pain, I feel your despair but I ask you feel my hope, to feel my heart and we will walk through this challenge together.

Side by side, Original Criminal...and...Criminal Bitch, fighting like mad to get through life with a bounce in our step. TUWANDA, my love...driving off the cliff with you will be my pleasure.

Nobody Likes Ugly...

Please let us all understand and appreciate how ugly people can be and admit we all hate ugly. Not only does God not like ugly, but it is the uglies that fuck up our days, screw with a well-laid plan, pour battery-acid onto our souls~~this is what we need to protect ourselves from. The ugly mother fuckers in this world make it necessary to put our suit of armor on and prepare for the daily fight to survive; to arrive home after our journey running to the door hoping we make it back unscathed.

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from The Color Purple, when Celie is telling Mister..."Until you do right by me, everything you even think bout is gonna fail". This says it all...you have no right to hurt me, to attempt to destroy me and until you make right the ugliness you brought into my life, you will find no peace.

If all was happy in your world, would you be trying so hard to bring me down? Why you are not happy, why you toss and turn at night were not decisions I made. You are grown, it is time to begin accepting responsibility for your life and stop blaming me for all that has failed you. Deal with your ugly life, your ugly heart and know that the only person that you may point a finger at is the one looking back at ya in the mirror.

I have sat down with my demons...I have reviewed, analyzed, and implemented changes that will never allow me to go down a path again that has the potential to damage my spirit beyond repair. To know I would have gladly given myself to a numbness I may never have recovered from because I had no idea how the hell to get things correct in my head in order to leave makes me want to vomit, to stay single, to never trust myself again in a relationship.

But here the rub~~ then ugly wins. There is not one part of me that will allow that. I am used to struggle, I am used to fighting but no more...not with you. You get nothing from me, none of my energy...you lose and the most pathetic thing is right now you have no idea just what it is that you lost. You lost the most dedicated, loving, loyal person you will ever have the privilege to have met. Your ugliness has destroyed all of that yet it has not covered my soul with bitterness. I love...I laugh...I live...with peace in my heart; without ugly at the controls. Please enjoy the company of ugly, it will be staying for awhile in your world, I gladly return it to you, I have no use for it any longer.

All of my senses...

If all of my senses failed me, I would still recognize you. My heart will not fail me, it would recognize the one it lives for and burst each time you were near.

If I could no longer speak, my entire being would still be singing my love for you. If I had no words--no voice, my heart would wrap you in the beauty you bring me each day. You would know how I love you...

If I could no longer feel your touch, my heart would take over. It would fill my spirit with the love that you are so unafraid to show me each day. My heart would explode every single second I have you by my side, it will remind me what it feels to be loved by a beautiful man--my beautiful man. It will beat strong and fast and show me what it felt to feel your heartbeat next to mine.

If I could no longer taste your lips, your body, my heart would remind me. It would remind me how beautiful you are, how amazing you taste on my lips and I would be content and satisfied.

If I could no longer smell you, your skin, my heart would remind me. It would remind me of taking deep breaths of the pillow you lay your head down on as you sleep. It would bring a vision of just how beautiful you smell when you come home only to me. It would fill my entire head of how amazingly beautiful you make me feel.

If I could no longer see you, my beautiful man, my heart would remind me of all the scenes we have shared. It would help me replay each day I was fortunate to witness your love~our love. My heart would take over my brain and all that I crave to see would be right there...always.

You have taken over all of my senses. I am awake after a long, deep slumber and it feels amazing. Your love holds the answers to all of my questions, it feeds my entire world. I am better because of you and I am never going to stop using all of my senses to show you how much I love the man you are and the woman you have helped me become~~know that my heart will remind me of who you are, how I love you, and will never let me forget the love we share.

Honoring Love...

LOVE should hold more than just four little letters. It should hold the key to your happiness; it should complete your life now and it should hold promise for a beautiful tomorrow. Love wants to help complete your journey and given the respect it deserves, Love can answer all of your questions, quiet all of your doubts, and allow your dreams to fly. We use the word love too easily, do not demand enough from it, and discount the feelings associated with it too willingly and have paid the ultimate price...it's destruction.

Love wishes to be felt intensely...Love wants boldness; fierceness...Love needs to be fed, each and every day with beauty, joy, and appreciation. If you give to Love what it craves, it will continue to grow, evolve, and provide you with amazing possibilities. If you chose to take Love for granted, if you forsake it, Love will become demonic and morph into a weapon that is capable of destroying the very essence of who you are.

We have all experienced both sides of Love. We have attempted to manipulate Love into what we thought it should be and failed miserably. We have ignored the true meaning of Love, ignored what was needed to keep Love satisfied, and have paid the price for our arrogance.

Love is not perfect, it can be beautiful, it can be insane, it should always be a whirlwind that clouds your mind. Love will give what you need, you only need to ask. Love will feed your spirit if you allow it to...if you give Love a room within your heart, it will settle down and protect you from the ugliness our daily lives throw at us. Do not smother Love...give Love plenty of space to spread it's wings and it will take you on journeys guaranteed to take your breath away.

This day and for the remaining ones yet to live, I will honor Love. I will embrace the feelings Love shares with every inch of my being and be content. I will stop questioning Love and simply allow it to take hold of my spirit; grateful. Take hold of my heart, Love...I have been searching for you for as long as I have lived and now that I have found you, I wish for you to remain, right here, within in my soul for as long as I breathe. I honor all that you are, all that you give me, all that you allow me to become~~today and for all the days left on the horizon.

Then tell me so...

People seem to hold back compliments and praise and I do not understand why. It may not come natural to show someone how they make you feel but why? Are we afraid to put ourselves out there, are we afraid that if we say how someone has made us it will possibly hurt us, not received well, laughed at?

What a beautiful way to help another feel better...tell them all that they do for your soul, how they make your life better because they have decided to walk along your journey holding your hand. This applies to family, this applies to friends, this applies to each person that comes into your life that breathes new life into your heart.

If I inspire you, then tell me so. If I anger you, then tell me so. If you enjoy who and what I am, enjoy what I allow you to be, enrich your life in some way, then tell me so.

As your friend, as your sister, as your lover...I believe I have a responsibility to lift your spirits, to make you laugh, to create a more joyous life and in return I have received so much love it blows me away. Stop being afraid, open your heart, and tell the people in your life that you appreciate them; that you love your life more so because they are in it.

Appreciation is better shown when the thing you are jazzed with is around to feel it. Do not wait until I am no longer there to tell me all of the beautiful things you enjoy about me. Uplift my spirits, allow me to soar, and I will take you for an amazing ride. If you love me...if you enjoy my insanity...if your life is better because I am a part of it, then tell me so...

By Accident

By accident I have fallen into a life that I am excited about. By accident, I have begun to live my life, with pride...with happiness...with fulfillment...with appreciation. By accident I have learned to accept who I am, how I am, enjoy the very person I have fought against becoming so needlessly.

Forever I desired a life I was jazzed with, proud to be a part of, proud to have others witness yet I always fell short of the mark. Today, I have created an amazing ride that makes me giggle, makes me scream, makes my heart whole and I think; "How fucking cool is this?" I have no balance, I have very limited sanity, I am as intense as they come and I love that more than one could ever understand.

By accident, I am becoming someone I would love to have as a friend. By accident, I have grown, I have crashed and burned, I have risen above the destruction and I am forever grateful for this life; my life.

My job, my personal life, my family life...all areas of my world are just as they should be. Thank you, Jesie, for remaining in the fight. You would have never gotten to this amazing place without all of the wrong turns.

Damn...simply beautiful and totally by accident.

Right Around the Corner...

There has been so many times that I have found myself saying, "That's it, I've got nothing left...I'm done" only to prove I have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I guess I should have said that I wish the drama life throws me would be done...that smooth sailing will replace driving the windy road, full of potholes, on a dark night with no headlights. I think I can safely speak for every single person breathing that we all want to get off that road, get on the sailboat, and plot a course for happier times.

When we think we have nothing left, we become fierce. We may lie in bed for days, we may go out and drink, we may scream but we still do something more. We still want more from our lives and keep breathing just in case that something better is right around the corner. I hear people say all the time, God gives us only what we can handle and I could just slap somebody. Don't you think that may be in direct conflict with His love for us? Do you not think that God would not give us anything that we should view as "being handled"? I think He wants to show you the beautiful, strong survivor you are and He understands far too well that we require proof of such compliments.

My life, especially the past year, has seen way too many battles. These struggles have exhausted me down to the bone but here's the thing...I am still fucking here, fighting my way to a better, more fulfilling life. In my opinion, God is proud that I keep fighting, not willing to give up, and that I continue to grow into an amazing woman with every ugly situation I survive. I think He wants us to understand that the world is full of such beauty and such ugliness which we will all experience but that is what His intention was from the beginning. The real test, the thing that counts, should be how we walk through those challenges and what we have left when we are done.

Take a breath...believe in your amazing ability to survive it all. But do more than just survive...fight like a demon for a life that is better, more joyous, and absolutely more rewarding. Fight to keep your strength, your grace, your mind intact and you will find amazing rewards...right around the corner.

Attention All Dreamers...

Attention dreamers...I call to you~~Dare to live the life of your dreams; believe in yourself enough to honor your dreams and be true to them. They serve as reminders we still have work to do. Dream boldly; dream beautifully. Give your dreams room to soar...do not limit what you think is possible. If we aim high we can fight to reach whatever dreams we have within our souls.

Be honest with your dreams; honor them, and they will allow you to live a life that is fulfilling, rich in beauty, and worth every struggle. Do not disregard your dreams, they tell us whether we are on our intended path, they let us know when adjustments are required to get back to a life we are intended to live. Stop discounting what you desire...stop being embarrassed by what you crave, stop justifying why your desires are silly, stupid, or just a dream.

When we stop dreaming, what then? I never wish to live my life without my dreams to keep me honest, to keep me fighting for a better tomorrow. I do not limit my dreams, I respect them, and believe in their promise. Dreaming may bring me to the edge of reason, may lead me down unhealthy paths, but my dreams have the possibility to show me an amazing world--one that I wish to settle down in, one that will put my fears to rest--one that will hold me tight, secure, safe.

Dream Beautifully...Dream Boldly...Just remember to dream, no matter what obtacles may be in the way. Just dare to dream...

One beautiful love affair

In my life, I pray to have one beautiful lasting awe-inspiring love affair. I hope that I find a love that envelopes me, that leads me to a peacefulness that others dream about. It is my desire to fall and to continue to fall in love with someone that will catch me with strong hands, a genuine heart, and a soul that intrigues me.

How amazing to love someone you also really enjoy. Someone that makes me laugh when I need to, takes over when my burden is too heavy, and knows when they need to take charge. I want to find a love that will allow me to spread my wings, to soar to whatever heights I am able to, and never allow doubt to enter my mind. To match my intensity, to give me softness when appropriate, and to ultimately feed my soul.

To make me dinner after a long day, to enjoy our differences and to embrace our commonalities. To laugh at me when I am at my craziest, and to tell me to relax, no worries, I got ya covered. To enjoy silence together, to enjoy the bumps, bruises, and love each other more because of them. To help heal my hurts, to allow me to heal theirs. To be my biggest fan, to celebrate my successes and to protect me from the pain of my failures. To wash love over my spirit each and every day. To fall in love every morning when I awake to see them right next to me and to fall asleep in their arms feeling safe, secure...loved.

Someone that is independent of me yet cannot live without me. Someone that I crave, that craves me. A love that will inspire me to be the best I can be, a love I would be willing to return every moment of every day without thought. To be loyal, to be honest, to respect who I am, where I came from, and where I am going. To have a partner travel my journey, keeping me company but understanding they have a path as well and that I will always honor that their journey brought them to me. To be content that our paths are parallel for now and forever and I am not going anywhere without the love of my life in hand.

Find me, my love...know that I am here waiting and absolutely ready for a love that puts all of the questioning to an end. Bring me to life, into life, a life filled with beauty, love, admiration, and joy. I will be the love you have dreamed of, the one that will inspire you to let go and love beautifully.

Not much more

Thursday, as I was working, I hear my phone ring during class. Everyone who knows me knows not to call during certain hours because I will not answer the phone and usually, I have my phone on silent so I wouldn't hear it anyway. As I went to turn my phone off I noticed it was my sister calling. Well, I know it ain't good cause she of all people knows not to call. Deep breath in...Hello?? It's Dad, we are not sure but we have been told he has passed away and we need to get to the hospital.

Honestly, since that moment things have been a bit blurry. I remember running to Bubbalah's room, telling her I was not joking and needed her NOW!! I got in my car, proceeded to make the necessary calls to inform my teachers I would not be in class, called my sister, and then just focused on driving. I get to Trauma 2, see my sister, and walk in to the room where my father is, he is hooked up to every tube he could be, on life support, posturing, and I know I am needed to be strong, to be the court jester, to be the freak my family so loves to call me. Next thing I remember is having a conversation with a dumb ass doctor telling me we need to take my dad off life support...let me say this loud and clear...GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Oh, yeah, with sugar on top you dumb mother fucker.

After being lectured by this stupid man my dad gets transferred to ICU. He is on life support, no movement except his hands posturing all night. I go home, I get an hour worth of sleep, and I go to my sister's house where I find out my niece's boyfriend attempted suicide the night before. The night when no one knows if my father would live, he decides to "cut" himself. Wonderful, now we must worry about my niece and make sure she is not going to do anything stupid.

Then I get an email from the lead person for my program at UNLV to let me know since I missed class I might be dropped from the program. Oh yeah, now I am reading an email with underlying threats because I decided that maybe being with my family when it was falling apart was more important than to attend a class I am just monitoring anyway.

So, it's ugly...I understand just how fucking ugly people can be but when is enough, enough? I understand I may be paying for a lot of shit I did throughout my life but why must it come at me all at once? Does anyone seem to understand just how tanked I may be, or become with one more fucking major dramatic event thrown at me?

So, in a very unlike-me fashion, I called a friend and lost it. I cried, bitched, felt sorry for myself and took a breath. My heart is aching, for sure but when I was walking to my car and lifted my head up only to see her and her daughter with a bag of "tricks" to offer a very old, worn-out soul, I actually did breathe.

Just when I wanted to give up on people, to allow myself to lose all faith in the beauty of people, when I could have cursed God and all of his wisdom, they turned the corner. Thank you for saving me from the abyss, no telling how lost I could have become in this very ugly time in my life.

I love my friends, I appreciate you in ways that surprise me because I keep the real important things close and guarded, never truly trusting anyone with the deep-dark shit. I thank you and yet when I say that, it feels so inadequate. To renew my faith, even just a small amount is priceless...golden. So once again, I thank you!!

Open Doors...

I am sure we can all guess I am not a "glass half-full" type person. I have never been one to be overly optimistic but I am also not the type of person that thinks that every single minute of life sucks or that all that happens in my life is out of my control. There is no wizard behind a curtain controlling every outcome; there is just me, moving along my path at a pace that exhausts me right down to my core.

When I hear people say when one door closes, another opens, my frustration level is off the scales. This view I do not embrace...mainly due to most doors closing have not been in my control--they have not been my decision to make. The other problem I have with this optimistic theory is, well, I am totally aware when a door slams in my life~ I am just not always awake to hear the next door opening. In my opinion, opening doors should have a bell attached so we could prepare for another new opportunity presenting itself.

Sometimes when doors open it feels like "Let's Make a Deal", three doors, three choices, no help with what door you should choose. There have been many times throughout my days that I chose the door with the mule decked out in flowers behind it and regretted choosing curtain # whatever. I am not asking for a magic wand, I do not wish for someone to give me the answers I so desire but just once I would like to know I am headed down the path that was the best choice, the healthiest choice, the one choice that will lead me to whatever will make my life complete.

History has proven I do not go down the path that is easiest. Given the choice, I will chose the door with turmoil, heartbreak, and devastation behind it, every fucking time. I begin not to trust my decisions and become timid...afraid to act at all. I know all about the road less traveled...I understand that much of my life, I have walked through doors that no other would. I have been searching, seeking answers, some form of a life I desire and have failed too many times to grasp.

I guess I should be grateful I am still willing to walk through the open doors, that I am strong enough to close the door behind me and fully embrace what will come next. I should never allow myself to take the easy road; it does not suit me. The easy doors bore me, they are unsatisfying and empty. So, for now, I will leave the easy path for someone else. For today, I will walk through each door like a battering ram, head-strong and fierce. Today, I will walk with my head high through each challenge and I will be better because of it.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms in my life and to all of my dear friends who know I still may need some motherly advice every now and again.

Being a mother is a tough gig. It comes with much despair however the happiness it can hold is beyond imagination. When we become a mother, an understanding that our life must change envelopes us. No longer watching out for ourselves, our children become our first and only priority.

When our children fail, we bleed...when our children succeed, we triumph. Every emotion they discover along the journey we feel with an intensity second to none. We lie awake hoping for a life better than our own for our little ones. We hope they will find happiness, true love, less hurts, more joy...it is just what we do. We want to protect them from the pain that living can bring yet we know they must find their own way much of the time. As mother's we are there to pick them up, brush them off, and move them along their path.

We kiss their sorrows away, nurse them back to health when required, and make sacrifices they will not comprehend. We are to blame for all that is wrong in their world yet when things are at their toughest they return to seek the comfort of their mother's arms.

We may not always hear thank you, or I love you, or you are the best...many times we get the complete opposite. Think back to when you were young, there is a cyclical nature to things. What you now appreciate in regards to your mother, your children will as well when they are old enough to understand.

Do something beautiful today, on your special day...love yourself and give yourself well-deserved kudos. Know that you are without a doubt the best mother you know how to be, that the love you feel for your children is unwavering, supportive, and blind...as it was meant to be.

Getting lost in the gray...

Everything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability. Everything I do comes with an intensity that may be hard to understand by some. If I make a choice to commit, I do so with a passion that is at times unreasonable, at times contagious, at times pure insanity and I have no intention of changing anytime soon. It may not be a choice others are willing to make, but for me, I have made a decision to live in a very black and white world. Living this way puts some questions to rest and at the same creates havoc within me.

When life's events are put into black and white...good or bad, beautiful or ugly, it takes the "what if" thinking out of the equation. It is either black or white...simple. I love hard, live hard, joke hard, fight hard, hate hard. I tell people upfront I am intense and I do so not to make apologies but to warn them never to come back to me later complaining. I do not enjoy gray, I do not understand gray and I refuse to try. Make no mistake, living this way is my choice and it is not always easy. There are things in my life that I would love to have the gray areas take over so I would not have to acknowledge they are leaning towards the black.

What I have learned is when I delve into the gray, I lose myself. I become a person I do not recognize and it is too difficult to bring me back to reality. When in a gray moment, I justify actions of others that in my world are inexcusable. If I live honest, upfront, and open then do I not deserve for the people around me to give the same? I no longer make excuses for others that do not believe life should be lived exactly as they feel it. If you are angry, show it...if you are happy, show it...if you are sad, show it...if you are proud, show it...be intense because you deserve to live with clarity. Stop hiding your emotions thinking you will save yourself or another from the grief. Gray is the stick we use to beat ourselves to the bone; it lives as misguided hope we can change an outcome from black to white. As we try to hide our feelings we enter a world of gray...alone, empty, unknowing.

Honor your feelings, feel them as either black or white and know it can be just that simple.

In a name

My mother, in her infinate wisdom, spelled my name with only one "S" in order to prevent anyone from shortening my name to Jess or Jessie. This has worked well actually because not only does no one in my life use the before-mentioned names, I am not even called by my full name, Jesica.

As far back as I can remember, I have always had some nickname that others would use to get my attention. My mother was actually the first to provide a nickname, which was Jinx. When growing up, I hated this name. I felt it was a dig, like she thought I jinxed her life and I am almost positive that is exactly how she felt. She one time asked me why my friends do not use this term of endearment and I know I just gave her a look and thought no fucking way am I telling them this.

It makes me giggle thinking of some of the nicknames I have inspired people to call me. It jazzes me that the people in my life that love me are moved to give me a special name. Almost all of my nicknames are used by just one person, special only to them and our friendship. How fucking rocking is this?

At one point in my life, I would have given over everything I hold dear betting I would not have one mother fucker remember me if I were no longer on this Earth. I honestly never realized the impact I had on my loved ones and never appreciated my worth~ however that measured up. With growth, with hard work, I have begun to realize that I am shown love always~~each and every day. When a friend calls me by their made-up name, I am given a gift. Every single time someone is inspired to create a nickname for me, I know that I have made a positive impact in their lives; I moved them--made an impression.

So, what is in a name? For me, it is the love, admiration, and respect of a person that loves me, gets the insanity, and feels their life is richer because I have visited their world. Keep creating names for me and I promise to continue to inspire you to call me by whatever name you feel appropriate.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart...the heart of a Freak, of a Criminal, of a Whirlwind, of a Force of Nature, of a Vampire...thank you for each and every name I have earned, one way or another, thank you.

In my dreams

In my dreams you are here with me, lying next to me, nuzzling your face into my neck. In my dreams, you are there when I get home, I feel your strong hands caress my face, my neck, my shoulders. In my dreams, I hear your voice speak my name using barely a whisper. In my dreams we live as one--we fight, we make love, we are simply forever. In my dreams, we hold hands, we laugh, you kiss my heartbreak away and I have not one doubt that you are mine...in love with me forever. In my dreams, I am able to love your sorrow and doubt into submission. In my dreams, you breathe life into my soul. In my dreams, we share our life, our days, our successes, our heartaches...if only in my dreams.

Oh yes, living in a dream world can be quite beautiful. The problem with dreams is one must wake from them--eventually. No matter how you long to return to the beautiful oasis of your dreams--your temporary hiatus from reality; the dawning of a new light requires you open your eyes and begin again.

Living in my beautiful dream world is all I have left of you. As each day begins I only long to fall back into a blissful sleep dreaming you are here, with me, for eternity. It angers my soul when my eyes can no longer remain closed and I need to leave the fantasy world I have created. When I awake, truth floods in and it takes me just a moment...I must stop myself from screaming; from crying out in pain. I take a deep breath in, throw the covers away, and brace for another day where reality holds a void no other can fill. I continue to go through the motions, live my life, and ensure that I am completely spent by the end of my days so I may swiftly fall back into your arms as slumber takes hold.

Good night, my dream, I pray you will be waiting for me to resume our beautiful rendezvous as sleep takes over my conscious mind.

A Brutal, Beautiful Learning Adventure

The past 12 months has been absolutely insane. I fell into a life that at times I look at from a distance and think, "Who the hell is that??" I have been on a journey that has been both beautiful and brutal. When it comes right down to it, I am so thankful that the amazing parts have been tempered with ugliness because it makes it real for me.

I found the strength to spread my wings, to run into the fire, to reach out, to seek, to smile, to cry, to laugh; to live. It is not always pretty, actually, it is messy, and turbulent, and intense. I no longer try to wrap my life in a pretty package so my heartbreak is hidden. I no longer care to hide the human part of myself. I embrace the crazy, I embrace the emotion, the joy, the sorrow, the anger, the pride I have felt for myself. What a difference a year can make!

I am not asking or expecting one person to like me, my tactics, my insanity...I no longer care to seek out acceptance from people I do not respect. Ultimately, the only person who has an opinion I care to know is my own. Have I been a person of substance? Did I make a positive impact on another person? Did I stay true to who I am? Did I honor my commitment to living a life I am proud of?

Absolutely...as much turmoil that this has created, I am still fighting. When you have intensity, people will line up just to take their shots at destroying you. They see your light and are willing to do just about anything to snuff it out. What has dawned on me...nothing pisses people off more when they are unsuccessful at killing your spirit. It drives them crazy and I have now learned to watch as they attempt to inflict pain and just smile. They are banging their heads against the wall and gaining no ground on their quest.

People that are worthless, that deserve nothing more than my contempt, who try like mad to hurt me are a dime a dozen. Karma has taken hold of their lives and everything in their world is a broken-down mess. Their ignorance and hatefullness has ruled their lives for far too long and now the ugly has taken over. The beauty of this, they did it to themselves yet have a list as long as their arms of who they blame. I had nothing to do with them destroying their own happiness...I just sat and observed.

So, to these individuals that are determined to kill my spirit, to further damage my soul, to break my broken heart, my question...Let me know how that has worked for you. How is your life going so far? You happy, content, proud...are you enjoying life and how you live it? These questions I need not know the answer to...I think we can all guess that even if they answered it would not be truthful. But what I can guarantee, what I know with every fiber is that when they are alone in their dark world, the answers make them ache to be better, to be a person that has grace, to possess a light others are drawn to.

In my very grown-up way I think...SUCKS FOR THEM! No one likes ugly, not even the person who creates it!

My prayers...

Dear Lord...I haven't done this for quite some time so please be patient with a broken soul. Deep breath...

Dear Lord, please stop madness from taking hold of my heart. Please give me a clear path to whatever happiness I may deserve from this world. Please keep safe my soul, which is as fragile as a butterfly wing. Please help me walk boldly into the fire without getting burned beyond recognition.

Please open my eyes to the suffering in this world and provide the strength to make it better. Please show me the beauty I possess when feeling insecure, allow me to believe I am special, loved, and enjoyed by the people in my life. Please help me stop the whirlwind when I am exhausted. Please let peace envelope my heart, allow it to guide me when the devil has taken hold.

Please give me the grace to forgive those who attempt to destroy my spirit, myself included. Please continue to be the voice of reason, to scream when needed, if only to get my attention...provide warnings when I am about to inflict pain. Please help me brace my heart when I am about to get demolished by hurts that come from unexpected places.

Please remind me to release the death grip on things I cannot control. Please remind me that not having control does not equal being out of control. Please give me the fortitude to understand the difference. Please allow me to feel love, show love, embrace those that need love even when I cannot muster any feeling at all. Remind me that although I may hurt, I need not make another soul hurt just for the company. Please remind me that winning may be simply taking myself out of the fight.

Dear Lord, the idea of having faith is an intangible concept I do not quite grasp. I have had faith in people, possessions, and circumstances that have broken me. Please wash love over my soul so that I may share it with all my demons...to prove once and for all that I am deserving; I am worthy; I am beautiful.

To inspire

I feel a responsibility to have an impact on this world and to the individuals that enter my life. If you believe there is a reason for everything than you must be cognizant of this with every encounter you face on your journey. Not to wonder why someone enters your life and how it will benefit you but to question what they may need from you, in particular, that they showed up on your doorstep.

People lose sight of what to be human means. None of us are perfect, none of us have not been scared just by walking through this life, but does that mean we should not feel some responsibility to help those suffering directly in front of us? Should we not make every effort to be an inspiration--to give hope for a better world? Maybe, if we were willing to inspire, we would, in turn, be inspired to become a better human being, to become someone we are proud to be?

An artist friend speaks of having many muses...shouldn't we all have those people that inspire us to reach for greatness, to become amazing, to offer a reflection of our souls so that we may adjust when necessary? I chose to surround myself with the very people that will teach me to become better, to become whole, to become who I wish to be.

It may not be in your comfort zone to allow the reality of who you are to lay on your mind long enough to understand it. You may not wish to evaluate why you chose not to inspire but we all have a responsibility to each and every survivor~ We must be willing to show our scars proudly, to learn from them, to teach others how to avoid them, and to give each other the strength to embrace the scars yet to be inflicted. Understand~know from the depth of your being, we will be beautiful in spite of them; because of them.

By any means necessary...

What kind of animal are you~what animal do you think would represent you? I was asked this question in one of my college courses and I said immediately I was a panther. My justification or explanation for this...I am beautiful, powerful, intense, people want to own me, to feel my beauty, but they need to take heed because I will turn on them when I am feeling threatened. I will attack and fight to the death if backed in a corner. I will be more beautiful if not caged and if treated with respect, honor, and a healthy dose of trepidation, I may just allow you near me, to feel my silky fur on your skin.

I am and always have been a fierce competitor. I will fight to the end and I view everything in my life as a competition. I was raised always being compared to my siblings, having to fight with them to win whatever competition my mother felt necessary at the time. I am no cheater but I will utilize every weapon at my disposal to come out victorious. I am a gladiator, I believe every battle is a fight to the death and I would rather see my opponent destroyed than for me to be the one who is defeated.

With this being said, I fight to win and most of the time, I fight to my detriment. I have the power to destroy people, their spirit--mortally wound them. However, most of the time, I will walk away, with their blood in my mouth, feeling as though I needlessly took it to a level I am not proud of. Logically, I know that their actions, why I needed to fight in the first place, will shed light on their inadequacies; that in the recesses of their mind they fully understand just how bad their transgressions against me were.

I am tired of fighting yet I am more exhausted over the need to fight. I wish that people would be honest, communicate what it is they want, need, what their motives are so I would not have to try and figure it out. When left to chew on something, I will become creative as to the reasons someone is behaving the way they are and I become the panther, pacing, waiting for a sign I need to attack. Be honest about your intentions...even saying you are not sure what they are is better than blowing sunshine up my ass and having me wish to destroy you later when the realization I am going to get hurt dawns on me. Do not play with a panther, she will protect herself to the death. She will fight to keep her world intact, her sanity protected. It is what she has been taught to do...it is the very essence of who she is...it is in her nature to protect herself~by any means necessary.

Having the last word

As I know I am not the only one who must have the last word in an argument, I wonder what damage this trait has had on our lives? In order for us to be the winner of a challenge, an argument, a place in this world, do we establish essentially nothing of worth--nothing of value? Do we forsake our own well being in order to have the last word in a debate that ultimately means very little?


I am the most competitive person I know, this we know. However, every battle I encounter takes its toll on my spirit and I no longer wish to have my very being become the collateral damage. To fight with someone just so they may see my way is ridiculous...I know they cannot convince me to agree with their reasoning or opinion so it stands to reason that if I think I can convince another human being to agree with mine is just plain stupid.

Live your life, as you chose...have your opinions, have your ways, take your stance...it is not for me to try and change. I will agree to live my life, to have my opinions, and I will certainly take my stance. I will grab my place in this world and if you do not violate my space, I will not violate yours.

Use caution when you enter someones world. Do not intend to do harm, but be honest with yourself when you do and offer an apology. Be gracious, be respectful, be mindful of where that person may be in their life. They may be in a position of weakness, may be vulnerable so take heed. Not one person in this world has the right to abuse another...you have no right to leave a person's spirit more damaged when you leave them. To destroy a person's beauty is not admirable, it's just pathetic.

There are many words that I just love...they invoke such emotion that I have many written down in a book. Respect, Admiration, Sunshine, Dreamer, Beauty, Awesome, Strength, Promise, Integrity, Honesty, Graciousness, Healer, Trust-worthy...I have so many choices but they all seem to have a common thread. If you have not yet figured what that thread is, maybe you need to delve into your soul and open your eyes to the person you are and realize some adjustments may be in order.

With love...

From the ashes

My 42nd birthday is quickly approaching and it seems time for another brain overhaul. Reflection is never easy but totally necessary. Knowing why you do the things you do is the first step in making adjustments so whatever is not working in your life can be remedied.

This year, however, I think instead of "fixing" all that is wrong, I might begin concentrating on what is right in my life. Maybe instead of using another birthday to find reasons I have not achieved my potential, have not achieved my dreams, I will focus on every single thing I have achieved and the miracle of surviving the beautiful disaster that is within my soul.

My life has been a whirlwind. I have experienced things no one else can say and that jazzes me. With tremendous heart ache, I have risen from the ashes a person I adore. I giggle at myself, shake my head, and thank the heavens that I am who I have always intended to be. Yes, I took several years off from life. I was a very dark and damaged person. I embraced only the negative memories and was determined never again acknowledge the amazing beauty I had all around me; beauty I helped to create. I have seen such ugliness and brutality from people-from myself-that I would have rather given up then go on.

I am so absolutely overjoyed I no longer feel this way. I know I go a mile a minute, but that is just how I roll. I love that my friends need to tell me to focus, that they tell me to SSSHHHHHHUUUUSSSSHHH. I would rather have a million thoughts running through my brain than having none at all. I crave living; I crave waking each day to see what gifts I may encounter. Trust me, I do not always love what I see each day and I certainly do not love all of what I do. Yes, I still have a list of things I want to change about myself and my life...absolutely. However, what I realize is each one of us has these lists but most do not do a damn thing to fix what is broken within them. What makes me proud is that no matter how scared I may be, I am still in the game. I try, I fall, I fail, I succeed and in the struggle their is beauty. Surviving is what I do best.

You will never have a friend more loyal...you will never encounter another that is willing to put herself on the line just for the experience...you will never have another woman that will love you, support you, and try like mad to make your spirit smile. These character traits are what I dig most. I can look myself in the mirror, or in the eyes of a friend and know that these words are true.

The present I give to myself, today, is love, appreciation, devotion, and unwaivering support to continue the journey. I promise to be true to the person I am and the person I will become. To my battered, beaten, broken, and chipped heart, I promise that I will never allow bitterness and darkness to take you over. I will protect you as I would any friend. I will appreciate the ashes but I will rise, I will soar to heights only thought possible in my dreams.

Happy Birthday!

Bleeding Heart

When I think of what I do for a living, I just burst with pride. I never thought I would come across a career that totally jazzes me. Currently I teach a self-contained classroom with students that have signifcant disabilities. Each student is amazing, beautiful, joyous, sincere, and I cannot help but to feel thankful they are a part of my life.

Saying these kids have challenges is like saying Vegas gets hot in the summer. It runs so much deeper than that. I teach at a Title-1 school that brings its own set of challenges. Most of the schools population live in significant poverty. The economy has wrecked so many things but these kids have seen the worst of it. Parents stressed out, making very bad decisions, going to jail and the kids suffer tremendous loss. They have seen death, destruction, poverty, starvation, and abuse at the hands of the people that should love and protect them.

Yesterday, I had a student lose it. She has been hanging on by a thread and yesterday was her breaking point. I could hug her, tell her I adore her, but ultimately I had to send her back home. This child, a 4th grader, seems so grown up that I think people tend to forget she is just that...a child. She wants to be grown, she wants to hang with the adults and I see so much of me in her that every fiber of my being aches. When I attempted to seek advice from a veteran teacher, I was made-fun of, treated like an idiot, and I got real fucking angry.

Here's the thing...yes, I am paid to do a job. However, no one realizes what the job entails. Even the people that work with children don't seem to get the point. I am a teacher, absolutely, I am a counselor, I am a social worker, I am a nurse, I am a therapst, I am a friend, a mother and as such I have an enormous responsibility to ensure the safety and well-being of my students.

The children I encounter every day have seen this world at its worst. They have seen, been victim to such brutality that for them to be open to love anyone is simply amazing. They love me in such a way that defys my brain from comprehening it. Each and every day they get up and come to school to feel safe and seek refuge from their life at home. You better believe I will create that safe haven for them, create a loving and nurturing environment that allows them to be, of all things, children.

I would not consider myself a touchy, huggy person. Actually, I really dislike people touching me. I don't give hugs, I am not overly affectionate but these kids don't care. I have kids hugging me all day, telling me I am the best teacher, telling me they love me. I walk through the halls and I have a posse of kids holding onto my hands, arms, clothing just to be near Ms. Jay. My kids make me feel like a rock star every day, I have an obligation to make them feel just as awesome. I have had strangers and parents tell me just how much they appreciate me and that I deserve the Teacher-of-the-Year award; now I don't know about any award, it is not the reason I go to work everyday.

To be told I am a bleeding heart like it is a disease is fucking ridiculous. I may be new at this job but never, and I mean never, will I treat a child's suffering like it was their fault, or that if I ignore it, it will somehow fix itself. I ask myself...if not you, then who? It puts life immediately into perspective.

Do I love my job, more than words can express. Do I hate the stupid, insensitive adults I must work with, absolutely!! The day I become a bitter, ugly, dispicable human being is the day I need to walk away from teaching. Until then, I will bleed from all over my being, feel my children's pain, and do my best to love the unlovables. If you take issue with this, please seek guidance from God. I'm sure He would love to know your views on kids with disabilities, kids that are abused, kids that are hungry, kids that are homeless...the list can just go on and on. I'm sure He would love to question why you stay in teaching and feel little responsibility to those you teach. To the people I work with that do not like me or my methods I ask you this...do you not like me because I prove to you, day in--day out that your hardened heart and bitterness is not the way. Do I show you that love and sincerity is a more valuable and effective tool than judgement? Please step aside, go find a job where futures do not depend on you, and stop being part of the problem!

Stella is getting her groove back

For those of you who have not seen the movie, I will make it clear. I am not getting any younger, I am tired of dealing with tired-ass men that do not know how to treat a person they say they love. If you just want to have sex with me, be honest about it--I may just want the same thing. I have had two tanked relationships and really I am not interested in a third.

New rules...if you move me, I may move you. If you rock my world, I promise I will rock yours. But if you want to play house, step off, my brother. You are not sleeping over, I am not making breakfast for you, you are not allowed to question how I spend my time or money and if you need to ask "How you were", you might just better leave while you can still walk without a limp. If you leave me to finish what you have started, believe me, I do not wish for you to come over again.

I am not a woman that needs to have a man in her life to feel whole. I am tired of the men that say they are honest, live with integrity, and that they want a serious relationship. Shut up, please. No one can say they are honest if they are cheating on their wives. If you have to hang up the phone because your significant other just came home, integrity may not be your strong suit. And the kicker...if you want a serious relationship, grow up and first understand the meaning behind those words.

For now, I just want a few "friends" that I can have fun with. Don't judge me, I'm not having it...I am not afraid to seek out what it is I need at the time. Right now, I just need to have some ego-boosting fun.