There are times when you know that a new day has come. You understand that life as you know it is going to change and with excitement you brace for the beauty that is about to enter your world. This new day is so close and I am so open for the newness to wash over my soul that I can barely contain myself.
I have been touched by the possibility of a lifetime...it scares me; makes me tremble and yet with anticipation I am waiting--ready for my life to change into something I am in love with. I must remain still, just for the moment, to ensure that this beauty finds me and takes hold.
With each day, every new situation, I try to create lasting love. I want the people in my life to look forward to the next encounter...to appreciate who I am, what I am and know there is no other that is so willing to put herself there. I cannot begin to explain how I enjoy this person I sit within my heart. I have worked hard for what seems a lifetime to mold myself into an individual that not only I adore but that is loved in spite of her craziness. It's not easy, doesn't always come naturally but it has been so worth all the stupid bullshit I had to shovel through.
I feel full of life--I feel like the light I shine will never fade. Like a moth to the flame, the people who surround me are drawn to it, to want to be near the fire that burns within my soul and just appreciate the intensity. My desire is to create a fire within each person, to let them see it is okay to fail, it is okay if it takes you a lifetime to get the fire going. With every day that dawns, attempt to spark the flame within your spirit...begin to blaze...I promise it is worth all of the pain and agony you may have to sift through to have your soul burn with a flame created from the struggle, from the pain, from the beauty...
Burn...with love, passion, kindness, and a quiet intensity~
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dating Sucks!!
I want to kill someone when I think about dating...honestly, dating has to be the most miserable shit ever. When you have been away from the dating world for what feels like eternity and then come to the realization it is beginning again, please, someone shoot me...WTF, I would never have guessed I would be here again.
Getting to know someone is painful...it actually causes a painful reaction within me. I have no patience, I am guarded, I am private (don't laugh), and I will not make one fucking excuse for the decisions I have made in the past. To teach someone about who you are, how you became the person standing in front of them today, what moves you, what inspires your passion, why you walked along whatever path you have...sucks! Plain and simple, it is the pits.
Saying this does not mean I do not like the person I may be dating but to start over from the beginning just makes me want to vomit. If you think you might avoid this part by dating someone you know from your past, think again. Nothing is easy about dating.
For a person who says Fuck the Rules with every breath I take, the rules of dating confuse me. I am never sure what is a rule or what is just game playing. How do I show the person I am dating all sides of me before they run screaming from the building? How do you take things slow when you are full of passion, excitement, lust?
Please, when you have these items figured out, could you write them down, send them to me, so I may survive the dating process without killing myself or killing my date?
Getting to know someone is painful...it actually causes a painful reaction within me. I have no patience, I am guarded, I am private (don't laugh), and I will not make one fucking excuse for the decisions I have made in the past. To teach someone about who you are, how you became the person standing in front of them today, what moves you, what inspires your passion, why you walked along whatever path you have...sucks! Plain and simple, it is the pits.
Saying this does not mean I do not like the person I may be dating but to start over from the beginning just makes me want to vomit. If you think you might avoid this part by dating someone you know from your past, think again. Nothing is easy about dating.
For a person who says Fuck the Rules with every breath I take, the rules of dating confuse me. I am never sure what is a rule or what is just game playing. How do I show the person I am dating all sides of me before they run screaming from the building? How do you take things slow when you are full of passion, excitement, lust?
Please, when you have these items figured out, could you write them down, send them to me, so I may survive the dating process without killing myself or killing my date?
Friday, June 11, 2010
Do you know...
This one you may want to turn away from, you may be better off not knowing, not feeling its intensity, its ugliness. Consider yourself warned...I am a concrete angel; I have been flying to a place where I feel loved, safe, forgotten about, able to go undercover. Do you know me, my experiences...I bet you don't, I bet you have no idea how I evolved into the whirlwind you see in front of you.
Do you know what ugliness I have witnessed; do you know why the train wreck occurred? Do you assume that it is just because I am bold, brave, and fierce? Ah, silly innocence. Let me tell you, I guarantee to rock your world with this one. To open your eyes wide fucking open...you will not view the craziness the same again. Before I open myself to you, before I reveal my inner brutality, I will once again tell you turn away if you cannot handle it...no excuses, want no pity, just want to open this up to the reality of not knowing the person standing right in front of you.
The beauty of your first time, remember it...that did not happen for me. It was stolen; it was taken by an abuser, a piece of garbage that to this day has not said sorry for taking my beauty away. While I was being abused, I would hear my mother's voice telling me that I am the slut, the whore, why do I push his buttons so. I lived watching his existence being valued above mine, he was a star, and I was the whore, the garbage. Fuck you, mom...
I remember sitting at the kitchen table while my family took a vote whether I should remain living amongst them or whether I should be sent away to some faraway place that was guaranteed to hold even more destruction to my soul. Told once again I would not be good enough for this family that embraced nothing but hatred and ugliness.
I wish the abuse was once with one abuser but I had no such luck. I have had evil set up shop in my life and I had no way of removing it. I had to survive, no matter what, if only because I would be fucking damned that they would win, that I would give them what they desired.
So I ask you, did you know? Do you ever really know? The answer is no. We have no idea what is going on in the next room, the next house, the person standing next to us…keep in mind your ignorance when you wish to judge someone. Understand you know nothing except what is in your heart and leave people better than when you entered their world…you may never know the impact you may have on them.
Do you know what ugliness I have witnessed; do you know why the train wreck occurred? Do you assume that it is just because I am bold, brave, and fierce? Ah, silly innocence. Let me tell you, I guarantee to rock your world with this one. To open your eyes wide fucking open...you will not view the craziness the same again. Before I open myself to you, before I reveal my inner brutality, I will once again tell you turn away if you cannot handle it...no excuses, want no pity, just want to open this up to the reality of not knowing the person standing right in front of you.
The beauty of your first time, remember it...that did not happen for me. It was stolen; it was taken by an abuser, a piece of garbage that to this day has not said sorry for taking my beauty away. While I was being abused, I would hear my mother's voice telling me that I am the slut, the whore, why do I push his buttons so. I lived watching his existence being valued above mine, he was a star, and I was the whore, the garbage. Fuck you, mom...
I remember sitting at the kitchen table while my family took a vote whether I should remain living amongst them or whether I should be sent away to some faraway place that was guaranteed to hold even more destruction to my soul. Told once again I would not be good enough for this family that embraced nothing but hatred and ugliness.
I wish the abuse was once with one abuser but I had no such luck. I have had evil set up shop in my life and I had no way of removing it. I had to survive, no matter what, if only because I would be fucking damned that they would win, that I would give them what they desired.
So I ask you, did you know? Do you ever really know? The answer is no. We have no idea what is going on in the next room, the next house, the person standing next to us…keep in mind your ignorance when you wish to judge someone. Understand you know nothing except what is in your heart and leave people better than when you entered their world…you may never know the impact you may have on them.
Let me...
When you have no strength, take mine. When you have no fight left, let me take over. When you are not able to move, let me carry you. When you can't get a grip, take my hands. When you have lost yourself, I will lead the search party to find my beautiful friend. When you are blinded by anger, I will lead you to safety. When you are destroyed by another, let me avenge you. When your heart feels nothing, let me wrap you in the warmth I hold in my heart.
My dear, loved friend...life throws a wrench in it~~we know this. I know your heart and soul aches but it will not be this way forever. We have the amazing power to heal, to renew, to mend what has been broken~~it will take some time.
Stand on my shoulders so you may see the beauty life has to offer. Stand next to me and feel the strength in my friendship and know I will give you whatever it is you need...you simply need to ask. I feel your pain, I feel your despair but I ask you feel my hope, to feel my heart and we will walk through this challenge together.
Side by side, Original Criminal...and...Criminal Bitch, fighting like mad to get through life with a bounce in our step. TUWANDA, my love...driving off the cliff with you will be my pleasure.
My dear, loved friend...life throws a wrench in it~~we know this. I know your heart and soul aches but it will not be this way forever. We have the amazing power to heal, to renew, to mend what has been broken~~it will take some time.
Stand on my shoulders so you may see the beauty life has to offer. Stand next to me and feel the strength in my friendship and know I will give you whatever it is you need...you simply need to ask. I feel your pain, I feel your despair but I ask you feel my hope, to feel my heart and we will walk through this challenge together.
Side by side, Original Criminal...and...Criminal Bitch, fighting like mad to get through life with a bounce in our step. TUWANDA, my love...driving off the cliff with you will be my pleasure.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Nobody Likes Ugly...
Please let us all understand and appreciate how ugly people can be and admit we all hate ugly. Not only does God not like ugly, but it is the uglies that fuck up our days, screw with a well-laid plan, pour battery-acid onto our souls~~this is what we need to protect ourselves from. The ugly mother fuckers in this world make it necessary to put our suit of armor on and prepare for the daily fight to survive; to arrive home after our journey running to the door hoping we make it back unscathed.
One of my favorite lines from a movie is from The Color Purple, when Celie is telling Mister..."Until you do right by me, everything you even think bout is gonna fail". This says it all...you have no right to hurt me, to attempt to destroy me and until you make right the ugliness you brought into my life, you will find no peace.
If all was happy in your world, would you be trying so hard to bring me down? Why you are not happy, why you toss and turn at night were not decisions I made. You are grown, it is time to begin accepting responsibility for your life and stop blaming me for all that has failed you. Deal with your ugly life, your ugly heart and know that the only person that you may point a finger at is the one looking back at ya in the mirror.
I have sat down with my demons...I have reviewed, analyzed, and implemented changes that will never allow me to go down a path again that has the potential to damage my spirit beyond repair. To know I would have gladly given myself to a numbness I may never have recovered from because I had no idea how the hell to get things correct in my head in order to leave makes me want to vomit, to stay single, to never trust myself again in a relationship.
But here the rub~~ then ugly wins. There is not one part of me that will allow that. I am used to struggle, I am used to fighting but no more...not with you. You get nothing from me, none of my energy...you lose and the most pathetic thing is right now you have no idea just what it is that you lost. You lost the most dedicated, loving, loyal person you will ever have the privilege to have met. Your ugliness has destroyed all of that yet it has not covered my soul with bitterness. I love...I laugh...I live...with peace in my heart; without ugly at the controls. Please enjoy the company of ugly, it will be staying for awhile in your world, I gladly return it to you, I have no use for it any longer.
One of my favorite lines from a movie is from The Color Purple, when Celie is telling Mister..."Until you do right by me, everything you even think bout is gonna fail". This says it all...you have no right to hurt me, to attempt to destroy me and until you make right the ugliness you brought into my life, you will find no peace.
If all was happy in your world, would you be trying so hard to bring me down? Why you are not happy, why you toss and turn at night were not decisions I made. You are grown, it is time to begin accepting responsibility for your life and stop blaming me for all that has failed you. Deal with your ugly life, your ugly heart and know that the only person that you may point a finger at is the one looking back at ya in the mirror.
I have sat down with my demons...I have reviewed, analyzed, and implemented changes that will never allow me to go down a path again that has the potential to damage my spirit beyond repair. To know I would have gladly given myself to a numbness I may never have recovered from because I had no idea how the hell to get things correct in my head in order to leave makes me want to vomit, to stay single, to never trust myself again in a relationship.
But here the rub~~ then ugly wins. There is not one part of me that will allow that. I am used to struggle, I am used to fighting but no more...not with you. You get nothing from me, none of my energy...you lose and the most pathetic thing is right now you have no idea just what it is that you lost. You lost the most dedicated, loving, loyal person you will ever have the privilege to have met. Your ugliness has destroyed all of that yet it has not covered my soul with bitterness. I love...I laugh...I live...with peace in my heart; without ugly at the controls. Please enjoy the company of ugly, it will be staying for awhile in your world, I gladly return it to you, I have no use for it any longer.
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