It seems like I have lived so many lives that I no longer know who the fuck I am. I have recreated myself so many times that I do not recognize the person starring back at me from the mirror on the wall. There are parts, hints of the past lives but they are almost completely abilerated.
Into a dust that so easily blows away and all traces are lost for a lifetime.
What seems to remain is just the feeling that I must be cautious--that trust should no longer be given. That my belief that this too will end in tragedy and heartbreak must remain in the forefront of every thought; of every action.
God I am so tired of having to always play defense. Tell me, finally, all that you hold back-- maybe, just maybe, my heart will finally stop shivering. My love, my heart, my soul can show you amazing, intense beauty--yet you must allow them to. They can envelope you in a love so powerful, so beautiful, kind, and soft. A love that you have only seen in your dreams, if only you allow me to.
Reality, however, is quite different. Though I do not follow by nature, I will follow your lead--in this endeavor, alone, I will follow. I will walk in the footsteps already created in the snow to make my journey easier even though we know it will be less fulfilling; even though it goes against everything I am. Running through fresh snow with abandon, creating my own path, making my own footprints in the snow seems like an impossible dream. My feelings never completely open, covered in a layer of protection, I know I do not trust you with my heart.
You have answered my questions without speaking a word. You have silenced my desire to create a love affair to surpass lifetimes with you. I do know you...I do know your heart and it is understood what limits you hold yourself to. Do not cheat me out of having passion, for having great love, for seeing in someone's eyes that no other holds a candle. You may covet your heart, you may not destroy mine. I will arrive second to none...I will allow little disregard for my heart....I will find another to treasure what you do not understand. I will continue to search for the person who is willing to help create footprints in the snow together and love boldly, bravely, and honestly.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Take a Vacation
If I began a list of all the things I have done to get here, right here, right now, in this place, I think I would go mad. So many poor decisions, insane actions, and thoughtless disregard to my entire well-being that I should not be allowed to take another unsupervised breath.
Of course, one always needs to be cautious when wishing for things...you know the whole adage, "Be careful what you wish for". Yeah, I do not wish for someone to smother me into boredom or irritate me to the point of murder but it always sounds appealing to have someone just take over for a moment. Take a vacation from yourself, your issues, your fuck-ups...you know, D...all of the above--leave it all behind and just breathe. Like a day at the beach, breathing, playing, and forgetting for awhile that your life is a mess~~a mess you have done a fantastic job in creating.
I know how the game is played. With all I do in life, I can be an amazing game player...my choice, however, is to leave the game-playing to people who have no other substantial shit to fill their days. I desire honesty, integrity, intensity, and will accept nothing less. It is exhausting that with every encounter, I must dodge bullshit, lies, and deception.
Let's take a vacation...let's stop all the lies, the drama, and agree to give it all a rest. Take a deep breath, enjoy your life, stop being jealous of others, quit judging what you do not understand and take a vacation from yourself. Learn to laugh again, learn to love again without bitterness or trepidation, learn to be a better man or woman, learn to enjoy who you are, and fall into a life you can revel in. Stop being concerned what everyone else is doing and start being concerned with who you are, who you have become, and how to make the necessary changes to create that person you envisioned so long ago.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
When exploring my cultural diversity it seems the natural progression would be to start from the beginning; my childhood’s cultural environment. Questioning what your cultural norms were growing up, understanding what influences they had on the person you are in the present, should serve as a guide in gaining perspectives otherwise lost or clouded in assumptions. With this being said, evaluating how my family culture helped craft the person I am or how these “norms” influenced my adult-life has been an ongoing process. If this analysis is to provide insight on what I have become culturally, than building the necessary background for the reader is required.
The house of cards I grew up in was built on pretense, abuse, and hate. Similar to a dog fighting pit, my parents created brutal competitions for me and my siblings to participate in so we may prove ourselves worthy of their affection. I do not remember one holiday without it being corrupted by my mother’s mental illness or my father’s indifference. I do, however, remember my oath to pave a very different path when I was grown. As a child, I gravitated towards families very different than mine and drafted a vision of what family culture should look like. I began distancing myself from my family norms in high school and refused to embrace any of the traditions my parents held sacred.
Abuse was my cultural environment as an adolescent. Hatred towards my family traditions was the backbone of every family event. The lessons of survival were more prevalent and more valuable than honoring the facade created by my family’s need to remain in high stature. Relationships were built on lies and deceit. Being abused by a sibling, being demonized by my mother, being blamed for the carnage by my father help create the person I have become and the norms I feel are worth honoring. The single item from my childhood culture that I fully embrace is being crafty enough to survive any obstacle.
Never wanting to embrace tradition, I have lived far removed from any typical standard. I do not have a pre-determined guideline for every holiday so as it develops is how it is experienced. I do not make the foods that I grew up experiencing because none are attached with the nostalgic romanticism most people are driven by.
I have crafted my own cultural norms as an adult and they are under constant supervision and evaluation in order to remain faithful to the oath I made in my youth. I believe strongly in loyalty and support. I refuse to have people in my life that do not support the person I am and love me in spite of my flaws. I celebrate Christmas but it is completely unrecognizable from the ones I survived as a child. Holidays do not hold magical notions within my home. I enjoy celebrating holidays that bring people together without much effort, such as Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. Each year is different, there are no prescribed foods that must on the menu, and if one year I decide to forgo celebrating a particular holiday there is no crushing disappointment felt.
Since being late to any event makes my entire person stressed, I have made it a point to arrive to any function with time to spare. I am extremely organized and am constantly making To-Do lists. I am driven to accomplish each task on my list and to perform each flawlessly. I do not make excuses for the things I have not excelled at and will take ownership willingly of the parts of my life that others find abrasive.
I am detached from material possessions since that attachment might be used as leverage in the future to harm or break me. I am hard-working and have a strong work ethic. I think that if you work hard, taking vacations should be part of the reward. Although financially unable to experience many vacations, I do strive to change this in the future. It is not a person’s status or occupation that I hold in high regard, rather it is their character and moral conduct that is valued above all else. I believe that respect must be earned regardless of your position, age, or title.
Religion is not an important theme within my culture. Living an alternative lifestyle for many years solidified the distance I felt for organized religion on any level. I do not believe that gender plays a significant role in determining how household chores are assigned; if there is work to be done everyone within that residence needs to take ownership. I am willing to work within my community and believe in social ethics. I do not subscribe to any societal norms and will not allow the rules of society to govern how I need to be. For almost four years, I found myself homeless according to the legal definition. I understand the damage living in poverty entails and what lengths a person might be driven to take in order to feed their families. There is no judgment within my heart and I refuse to make assumptions about any other individual because opinion without knowledge is simply ignorant.
I enjoy a quiet home full of warmth. I do not treasure the building in which I reside but do value the serenity that the living entities bring to my life. I have a strong moral compass and that is what drives my cultural norms. I believe in honoring people, their differences, their similarities and their right to be whoever they wish to be. I work hard to bring to light others’ prejudices and demonstrate how to mean the words, “I don’t judge” by example.
For my entire life I have had people make some wild assumptions about who I am as a person. They have been completely uneducated on the subject but yet felt confident that they had me pegged correctly. I have suffered many blows by people’s judgments and have first-hand knowledge on how destructive assumptions can be. Each person is entitled to their opinions however until they actually educate themselves in the areas they feel so passionately about, they should remain diligent in their pursuit of recognizing their own biases and remain silent.
The house of cards I grew up in was built on pretense, abuse, and hate. Similar to a dog fighting pit, my parents created brutal competitions for me and my siblings to participate in so we may prove ourselves worthy of their affection. I do not remember one holiday without it being corrupted by my mother’s mental illness or my father’s indifference. I do, however, remember my oath to pave a very different path when I was grown. As a child, I gravitated towards families very different than mine and drafted a vision of what family culture should look like. I began distancing myself from my family norms in high school and refused to embrace any of the traditions my parents held sacred.
Abuse was my cultural environment as an adolescent. Hatred towards my family traditions was the backbone of every family event. The lessons of survival were more prevalent and more valuable than honoring the facade created by my family’s need to remain in high stature. Relationships were built on lies and deceit. Being abused by a sibling, being demonized by my mother, being blamed for the carnage by my father help create the person I have become and the norms I feel are worth honoring. The single item from my childhood culture that I fully embrace is being crafty enough to survive any obstacle.
Never wanting to embrace tradition, I have lived far removed from any typical standard. I do not have a pre-determined guideline for every holiday so as it develops is how it is experienced. I do not make the foods that I grew up experiencing because none are attached with the nostalgic romanticism most people are driven by.
I have crafted my own cultural norms as an adult and they are under constant supervision and evaluation in order to remain faithful to the oath I made in my youth. I believe strongly in loyalty and support. I refuse to have people in my life that do not support the person I am and love me in spite of my flaws. I celebrate Christmas but it is completely unrecognizable from the ones I survived as a child. Holidays do not hold magical notions within my home. I enjoy celebrating holidays that bring people together without much effort, such as Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. Each year is different, there are no prescribed foods that must on the menu, and if one year I decide to forgo celebrating a particular holiday there is no crushing disappointment felt.
Since being late to any event makes my entire person stressed, I have made it a point to arrive to any function with time to spare. I am extremely organized and am constantly making To-Do lists. I am driven to accomplish each task on my list and to perform each flawlessly. I do not make excuses for the things I have not excelled at and will take ownership willingly of the parts of my life that others find abrasive.
I am detached from material possessions since that attachment might be used as leverage in the future to harm or break me. I am hard-working and have a strong work ethic. I think that if you work hard, taking vacations should be part of the reward. Although financially unable to experience many vacations, I do strive to change this in the future. It is not a person’s status or occupation that I hold in high regard, rather it is their character and moral conduct that is valued above all else. I believe that respect must be earned regardless of your position, age, or title.
Religion is not an important theme within my culture. Living an alternative lifestyle for many years solidified the distance I felt for organized religion on any level. I do not believe that gender plays a significant role in determining how household chores are assigned; if there is work to be done everyone within that residence needs to take ownership. I am willing to work within my community and believe in social ethics. I do not subscribe to any societal norms and will not allow the rules of society to govern how I need to be. For almost four years, I found myself homeless according to the legal definition. I understand the damage living in poverty entails and what lengths a person might be driven to take in order to feed their families. There is no judgment within my heart and I refuse to make assumptions about any other individual because opinion without knowledge is simply ignorant.
I enjoy a quiet home full of warmth. I do not treasure the building in which I reside but do value the serenity that the living entities bring to my life. I have a strong moral compass and that is what drives my cultural norms. I believe in honoring people, their differences, their similarities and their right to be whoever they wish to be. I work hard to bring to light others’ prejudices and demonstrate how to mean the words, “I don’t judge” by example.
For my entire life I have had people make some wild assumptions about who I am as a person. They have been completely uneducated on the subject but yet felt confident that they had me pegged correctly. I have suffered many blows by people’s judgments and have first-hand knowledge on how destructive assumptions can be. Each person is entitled to their opinions however until they actually educate themselves in the areas they feel so passionately about, they should remain diligent in their pursuit of recognizing their own biases and remain silent.
All on your own
Time to listen! Time to open your minds just a bit, listen to my words and know to whom I speak.
My entire life--for my entire existence, I have racked up a large list of haters. People that crucify me because of some bullshit that they cannot really understand or define. Please allow me to help you make some connections, to provide some definition of why I elicit strong emotions from people who are not worthy of my respect, my love, my compassion. Sit up straight, open your minds, and know within your heart that I am really not the problem...I just help shine the light on your own inadequacies.
Every single thing I do in my life is done with an intensity that most find discomforting. I do not hide my emotions, my discontent, my passion and I never, ever apologize for the person I am...if this bothers you, line the fuck up. I do the work it takes to succeed in every endeavor I associate myself with. I do not make excuses for my screw-ups; I own my mistakes, apologize for my transgressions, and attempt to become a better human being with every breath. I do not care if you cannot accept your shortcomings--it is a disgrace that I become the target simply because you choose to be ignorant about the tortured person you have allowed yourself to be. I do not ask for acceptance; I do not care to be tolerated; and I can not be bothered with attempts in fitting in your closed-off world.
If my expectations are higher than you are willing to achieve, that is not my problem. If I set the standard higher than you are able to obtain, again, not my problem. Don't like who you are, please let me reiterate, not my problem.
I work damn hard--when there is a task before me, I will do the work in order to perform exceptionally. I do not rely on others to do the work for me. My passion is off-putting to most--add that to the list of crosses I bare. But please ask yourself why my performance bothers you so. Ask why my hard work and knowledge is a source of discomfort for you. Since you may be unwilling to figure this out for yourself, please allow me assist you.
It bothers you...or should I say, I bother you because I am a reminder that what you want and what you are willing to do in order to achieve it does not equate. When you compare your substance as a person to my dedication to living my life my way, you become disheartened. However, let's not get this twisted...you are not angry at me--you are disappointed in your lack of substance, your lack of passion, your lack of motivation, you lack of commitment to becoming the person you so desire to be.
Stop looking for someone to blame for your unfulfilled life...stop pointing to another in order to deflect the truth concerning your unwillingness to fight for a life that makes you radiate warm. Begin looking in the mirror...sit there awhile and see yourself as you truly are--admit what faults you have--begin to mend what is broken within your own soul and maybe you will not only let go of your resentment of me but you may just learn how to accept the person you are without judgment. There is no need to compete with another to prove how awesome you want others to think you are...when you truly dig who you are down to the bone, it can be witnessed from the highest mountaintops. There is an undeniable beauty that radiates from those who love the person they carry with them each and every moment...can you have this---absolutely, but you must do the work in order to get there. And you must do the work all on your own.
My entire life--for my entire existence, I have racked up a large list of haters. People that crucify me because of some bullshit that they cannot really understand or define. Please allow me to help you make some connections, to provide some definition of why I elicit strong emotions from people who are not worthy of my respect, my love, my compassion. Sit up straight, open your minds, and know within your heart that I am really not the problem...I just help shine the light on your own inadequacies.
Every single thing I do in my life is done with an intensity that most find discomforting. I do not hide my emotions, my discontent, my passion and I never, ever apologize for the person I am...if this bothers you, line the fuck up. I do the work it takes to succeed in every endeavor I associate myself with. I do not make excuses for my screw-ups; I own my mistakes, apologize for my transgressions, and attempt to become a better human being with every breath. I do not care if you cannot accept your shortcomings--it is a disgrace that I become the target simply because you choose to be ignorant about the tortured person you have allowed yourself to be. I do not ask for acceptance; I do not care to be tolerated; and I can not be bothered with attempts in fitting in your closed-off world.
If my expectations are higher than you are willing to achieve, that is not my problem. If I set the standard higher than you are able to obtain, again, not my problem. Don't like who you are, please let me reiterate, not my problem.
I work damn hard--when there is a task before me, I will do the work in order to perform exceptionally. I do not rely on others to do the work for me. My passion is off-putting to most--add that to the list of crosses I bare. But please ask yourself why my performance bothers you so. Ask why my hard work and knowledge is a source of discomfort for you. Since you may be unwilling to figure this out for yourself, please allow me assist you.
It bothers you...or should I say, I bother you because I am a reminder that what you want and what you are willing to do in order to achieve it does not equate. When you compare your substance as a person to my dedication to living my life my way, you become disheartened. However, let's not get this twisted...you are not angry at me--you are disappointed in your lack of substance, your lack of passion, your lack of motivation, you lack of commitment to becoming the person you so desire to be.
Stop looking for someone to blame for your unfulfilled life...stop pointing to another in order to deflect the truth concerning your unwillingness to fight for a life that makes you radiate warm. Begin looking in the mirror...sit there awhile and see yourself as you truly are--admit what faults you have--begin to mend what is broken within your own soul and maybe you will not only let go of your resentment of me but you may just learn how to accept the person you are without judgment. There is no need to compete with another to prove how awesome you want others to think you are...when you truly dig who you are down to the bone, it can be witnessed from the highest mountaintops. There is an undeniable beauty that radiates from those who love the person they carry with them each and every moment...can you have this---absolutely, but you must do the work in order to get there. And you must do the work all on your own.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Stepford Life
***This is something I wrote when I was at a very low point***
I promise I will ignore the disappointment, I will not acknowledge the heartache, I will brave a happy face, I will lose myself in make-believe...this is what our mothers taught us, is it not? Just to put aside our true feelings and become a puppet; a hypocritical pathetic version of who we really are and never allow our true emotions anywhere close to the surface for fear of complete destruction of the facade?
No matter how hard I wish to forget what is broken, I can no longer see the potential that the other side of the looking glass offers. My life; the prospect of having all I desire; my looking glass into a better tomorrow is broken into a million pieces that makes it impossible to witness anything but my disgust at my own reflection built from living a make-believe existence. Understanding how easily I can pretend all is well in my world, I know I am playing the part of a lifetime or at least a role that seems to have lasted a lifetime. I have been living a Stepford Life; I am plastic, simple, agreeable, smooth, and ultimately fake. There is no passion, there is no truth, there is no desire, there is nothing but a barren field void of life and full of despair.
The problem with living this way, playing like my life is so fulfilling and full of everything I have ever desired is the gaping hole within my soul. Living this way leaves me with such a burning loneliness that I can hardly breathe and fight to simply arise to another day of dull. This loneliness might be rectified if I had not presented this pretty package to the world and actually told people the truth--I am miserable--I am completely and undeniably unfulfilled and there is nothing I can do to keep it from continuing--a life that is mediocre and void of love.
My life reflects nothing about my true feelings; what I love; what I enjoy; what makes me smile; what makes me safe; what allows me to take a deep breath and know I am happy...I shut down because I am unable to acknowledge how far off I am from happiness. Knowing I cannot see the truth because it would have catastrophic results, I close my eyes to the world I have allowed to be created. I smile and I agree...I laugh in public and I cry when I am alone. Always knowing deep within that I have no one but myself and my insecurities to blame for this incredibly empty life.
When people tell me I should be grateful, I want to slap them yet I am the one who painted the picture they are commenting on. I should take these types of comments as compliments for the masterpiece of deception I have painted; I am an exceptional deceptor--I have fooled the world. It is not any one's fault that they too cannot see through my looking glass...it is smeared with lies, pretenses, and bullshit.
I do not ask for another to save me from this life--I must do that alone. I do not ask for others to have opinions about my life...I have more than my share of opinions. I do not ask for apologies, for understanding, for love, for friendship--I must remain cognizant of the fact I am the one to blame for the life I have chosen to live. I am the one to blame for living in a world I have created to fool the very people who would help if they had a clue how sad I really am.
I am tired of living this way but even more tired of the hope for a better life only to realize that with each turn I take, I have been thrown too far off course.
I promise I will ignore the disappointment, I will not acknowledge the heartache, I will brave a happy face, I will lose myself in make-believe...this is what our mothers taught us, is it not? Just to put aside our true feelings and become a puppet; a hypocritical pathetic version of who we really are and never allow our true emotions anywhere close to the surface for fear of complete destruction of the facade?
No matter how hard I wish to forget what is broken, I can no longer see the potential that the other side of the looking glass offers. My life; the prospect of having all I desire; my looking glass into a better tomorrow is broken into a million pieces that makes it impossible to witness anything but my disgust at my own reflection built from living a make-believe existence. Understanding how easily I can pretend all is well in my world, I know I am playing the part of a lifetime or at least a role that seems to have lasted a lifetime. I have been living a Stepford Life; I am plastic, simple, agreeable, smooth, and ultimately fake. There is no passion, there is no truth, there is no desire, there is nothing but a barren field void of life and full of despair.
The problem with living this way, playing like my life is so fulfilling and full of everything I have ever desired is the gaping hole within my soul. Living this way leaves me with such a burning loneliness that I can hardly breathe and fight to simply arise to another day of dull. This loneliness might be rectified if I had not presented this pretty package to the world and actually told people the truth--I am miserable--I am completely and undeniably unfulfilled and there is nothing I can do to keep it from continuing--a life that is mediocre and void of love.
My life reflects nothing about my true feelings; what I love; what I enjoy; what makes me smile; what makes me safe; what allows me to take a deep breath and know I am happy...I shut down because I am unable to acknowledge how far off I am from happiness. Knowing I cannot see the truth because it would have catastrophic results, I close my eyes to the world I have allowed to be created. I smile and I agree...I laugh in public and I cry when I am alone. Always knowing deep within that I have no one but myself and my insecurities to blame for this incredibly empty life.
When people tell me I should be grateful, I want to slap them yet I am the one who painted the picture they are commenting on. I should take these types of comments as compliments for the masterpiece of deception I have painted; I am an exceptional deceptor--I have fooled the world. It is not any one's fault that they too cannot see through my looking glass...it is smeared with lies, pretenses, and bullshit.
I do not ask for another to save me from this life--I must do that alone. I do not ask for others to have opinions about my life...I have more than my share of opinions. I do not ask for apologies, for understanding, for love, for friendship--I must remain cognizant of the fact I am the one to blame for the life I have chosen to live. I am the one to blame for living in a world I have created to fool the very people who would help if they had a clue how sad I really am.
I am tired of living this way but even more tired of the hope for a better life only to realize that with each turn I take, I have been thrown too far off course.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Still Life
After taking the road trip from hell, I realized time is precious and balance is essential to remain fulfilled. I thought how much I truly missed writing and making connections with others. For far too long, I have had my hands full with no real time to write for pleasure and I began to understand that I must do the things that I love in conjunction with the things I must do out of responsibility in order to remain healthy spiritually. I haven't had the time or energy for reflection, contemplation, or adjustments and my heart has suffered. My brain has a difficult time shutting down or focusing on one thought for too long and my entire body can do nothing but go for the ride.
We are creatures of habit...we feel safe within our routines and unfortunately that promotes stationery lives. No growth is possible if we do not accept that change is part of that process. We go through the motions, secretly wishing for a different life but never take the first step to obtain it. Deciding to change, to honor our deepest desires is absolutely terrifying but think of the existence you may be signing up for without necessary updates?
My life is completely different than it was a year ago and I hope it will be different still in another year. I do not want guarantees that everything will remain the same because to me, a still life should only be referring to a photograph.
For about a year and a half I have not had the time to sit still and reflect on all that I have doing--all the differences in my life, the achievements, the set-backs, the let-downs, the broken hearts, the victories, the love. I know how imperative it is to remaining sane to inventory the before-mentioned items to gauge where in the world you are at this moment and create an understanding how you got there. The people that I would have thought were going to be surrounding me at this milestone versus the actual ones is surprising. Only some are disappointing and only some are heartbreaking but overall I am grateful for those who have shared in this journey.
We are creatures of habit...we feel safe within our routines and unfortunately that promotes stationery lives. No growth is possible if we do not accept that change is part of that process. We go through the motions, secretly wishing for a different life but never take the first step to obtain it. Deciding to change, to honor our deepest desires is absolutely terrifying but think of the existence you may be signing up for without necessary updates?
My life is completely different than it was a year ago and I hope it will be different still in another year. I do not want guarantees that everything will remain the same because to me, a still life should only be referring to a photograph.
For about a year and a half I have not had the time to sit still and reflect on all that I have doing--all the differences in my life, the achievements, the set-backs, the let-downs, the broken hearts, the victories, the love. I know how imperative it is to remaining sane to inventory the before-mentioned items to gauge where in the world you are at this moment and create an understanding how you got there. The people that I would have thought were going to be surrounding me at this milestone versus the actual ones is surprising. Only some are disappointing and only some are heartbreaking but overall I am grateful for those who have shared in this journey.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
While Dancing...
Dancing with Angels;
Doing the Tango with Fairies.
Two-stepping with Wizards;
Holding onto the wings of Dragons.
Surfing on the backs of Eagles;
Cannon-balling with Mermaids--
Soar, my Butterfly
and with a quiet intensity;
Know LOVE...while dancing.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Haven't Found it yet...
Many moons ago I wrote about a great love affair...what I want in my life when it comes to love and once again, I find myself settling for less than I desire. It's time, I do believe, where I must have that internal conversation--to gauge where the fuck I am, where I need to be, and how I am going to get there.
It has been my experience that the heartbreak you experience upfront is way less damaging than continuing to ignore the signs that what you have will never be what you truly want. I have lived a lifetime settling for less than I deserve; a lifetime ignoring my desires; a lifetime attempting to mold what I have into what I desire. I refuse to tolerate that from myself a minute longer. I demand better; I deserve better; I am doing the work to achieve better.
I would rather be by myself than to share space/take up space with another who does not fully comprehend what my true worth is. Know the value I add to your life, be willing to fight to keep that value, and appreciate all that I offer. I do not need you to half-ass love me...to half-ass appreciate me...to half-ass acknowledge my presence in your life.
I don't give a damn what your excuses are--you have permission to sit alone with those excuses and see how much comfort and love they provide. From the jump, you have judged me harshly and yet you have no fucking idea who I am. You only demonstrate pride when others pave that road before you--guess what, too late. The love I recieve from others, their respect, their pride--they should not be at levels higher than my partner.
What love means...what love should feel like--go ask someone who is less broken-down and bitter because you haven't a clue.
Here is my wish list----
1. To have someone love me honestly.
2. To have my partner be beyond proud they are loved by me.
3. For my partner to never need outside validation that I am worthwhile.
Our relationship began broken...it continues to be broken and much of the damage is not able to be repaired. It is time to let go of a dream that will never come to life. It is time for me to honor what I deserve and understand that I will never receive it from you. My decision has little to do with getting married, not getting married--I so wish to get married...I just know it should not be with a man that cannot love me the way I desire. We both know this to be true.
The things that I am angry about are more to do about hurt feelings than anger. After constantly replaying the conversations, after realizing that I have had love affairs where my partner loved me the way I desire--understanding that it is possible for that love to exist, I know I must prevent further damage to my heart and move along.
Fuck you for making me defend who I am continuously. I have been honest...I have been right there in the fight...I have been forthcoming, truthful, present, and you can not say the same. Half-ass another...this bitch has a grip on her worth--and yours and she is willing to defend her heart and soul with all that she's got.
It has been my experience that the heartbreak you experience upfront is way less damaging than continuing to ignore the signs that what you have will never be what you truly want. I have lived a lifetime settling for less than I deserve; a lifetime ignoring my desires; a lifetime attempting to mold what I have into what I desire. I refuse to tolerate that from myself a minute longer. I demand better; I deserve better; I am doing the work to achieve better.
I would rather be by myself than to share space/take up space with another who does not fully comprehend what my true worth is. Know the value I add to your life, be willing to fight to keep that value, and appreciate all that I offer. I do not need you to half-ass love me...to half-ass appreciate me...to half-ass acknowledge my presence in your life.
I don't give a damn what your excuses are--you have permission to sit alone with those excuses and see how much comfort and love they provide. From the jump, you have judged me harshly and yet you have no fucking idea who I am. You only demonstrate pride when others pave that road before you--guess what, too late. The love I recieve from others, their respect, their pride--they should not be at levels higher than my partner.
What love means...what love should feel like--go ask someone who is less broken-down and bitter because you haven't a clue.
Here is my wish list----
1. To have someone love me honestly.
2. To have my partner be beyond proud they are loved by me.
3. For my partner to never need outside validation that I am worthwhile.
Our relationship began broken...it continues to be broken and much of the damage is not able to be repaired. It is time to let go of a dream that will never come to life. It is time for me to honor what I deserve and understand that I will never receive it from you. My decision has little to do with getting married, not getting married--I so wish to get married...I just know it should not be with a man that cannot love me the way I desire. We both know this to be true.
The things that I am angry about are more to do about hurt feelings than anger. After constantly replaying the conversations, after realizing that I have had love affairs where my partner loved me the way I desire--understanding that it is possible for that love to exist, I know I must prevent further damage to my heart and move along.
Fuck you for making me defend who I am continuously. I have been honest...I have been right there in the fight...I have been forthcoming, truthful, present, and you can not say the same. Half-ass another...this bitch has a grip on her worth--and yours and she is willing to defend her heart and soul with all that she's got.
MY MOUNTAINTOP
If we could take a snapshot of what our insides look like throughout our journey, I think that might demonstrate just how much we have grown and developed into a beautiful representation of what we had in us all along. I am not the person I was a year ago...I always had the potential inside, I just was never willing to fight for it.
I need no other to save me...I need no other to fight my battles...I do not need validation, admiration, praise, not a fucking thing from another--I have all I need within my soul. I know if I deserve respect, admiration, praise--I understand my flaws better than anyone but in turn, I also know the beauty I posses. I feel my struggles more than anyone realizes but I also understand the depth of my successes.
Whatever endeavor I chose to take on, please understand I do not need approval, understanding, support--I am doing just fine on my own and will continue to beat the shit out of this world as long as there is breath in my lungs. I am not one to make excuses, I do not apologize for who I am--let's understand I am not your typical person who has no internal Drill Sargent driving me through life's obstacle courses. I do not live my life to receive validation from others--who the fuck cares what people think?? Honestly, I hate to be bothered--
Really, I should care what someone who has never done a flippin thing to achieve their dreams thinks about me; about who I am?? I wouldn't even know where to muster that wasted energy from. Trust me on this--I know all about me--when I deserve praise, when I deserve admiration, and when I deserve a good ass-kicking. The difference between you and me--I do not need anyone but myself to provide all that I need and if I am perceived as honest--you should be privy to the conversations I have within my soul and you would understand it takes honesty to a whole new level. The struggles, the arguments, the love...from myself, for myself--with love!
Now, get off your ass and do the work--until you get to judge me you need to be at my level so you can get a real good view--Here's the twist...I am not stopping my journey as you try to catch up--work harder, faster, with less sleep, no energy, no time to simply be still. Maybe, just maybe, one day you will find yourself on my mountaintop. Until then I will be taking that hike alone, not looking back and enjoying the peaceful tranquility of an amazing friendship that envelopes me everywhere I go. The friendship I have within--the love I have for the person I am, for the person I have yet to become--it is the mountaintop I get to enjoy simply because I hiked the valleys willingly.
I need no other to save me...I need no other to fight my battles...I do not need validation, admiration, praise, not a fucking thing from another--I have all I need within my soul. I know if I deserve respect, admiration, praise--I understand my flaws better than anyone but in turn, I also know the beauty I posses. I feel my struggles more than anyone realizes but I also understand the depth of my successes.
Whatever endeavor I chose to take on, please understand I do not need approval, understanding, support--I am doing just fine on my own and will continue to beat the shit out of this world as long as there is breath in my lungs. I am not one to make excuses, I do not apologize for who I am--let's understand I am not your typical person who has no internal Drill Sargent driving me through life's obstacle courses. I do not live my life to receive validation from others--who the fuck cares what people think?? Honestly, I hate to be bothered--
Really, I should care what someone who has never done a flippin thing to achieve their dreams thinks about me; about who I am?? I wouldn't even know where to muster that wasted energy from. Trust me on this--I know all about me--when I deserve praise, when I deserve admiration, and when I deserve a good ass-kicking. The difference between you and me--I do not need anyone but myself to provide all that I need and if I am perceived as honest--you should be privy to the conversations I have within my soul and you would understand it takes honesty to a whole new level. The struggles, the arguments, the love...from myself, for myself--with love!
Now, get off your ass and do the work--until you get to judge me you need to be at my level so you can get a real good view--Here's the twist...I am not stopping my journey as you try to catch up--work harder, faster, with less sleep, no energy, no time to simply be still. Maybe, just maybe, one day you will find yourself on my mountaintop. Until then I will be taking that hike alone, not looking back and enjoying the peaceful tranquility of an amazing friendship that envelopes me everywhere I go. The friendship I have within--the love I have for the person I am, for the person I have yet to become--it is the mountaintop I get to enjoy simply because I hiked the valleys willingly.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
My Picasso
My spirit shattered--scattered on the ground like shards of glass; reflecting what could have been--my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations in little unrecognizable pieces lying broken. Similar to crystals glittering in the sunlight for passer-byes to look upon with admiration; they do not know the carnage that caused this shimmering display. A reflection is caught; it is unidentifiable. It looks like a beautiful masterpiece--yet is does not hang proudly on any gallery wall.
Bumps, bruises and broken hearts have provided this composition. They have helped earn my degree in trepidation, in suspicion, in mistrust. They have solidified themselves into my heart; etched deeply, forever present for all to witness.
Each day, every encounter begins the creation again...sketching wondrous works of art over the old canvas, eradicating the pain of yesterday with a whole new promise of beautiful tomorrow. It is your choice if you add an amazing spray of color or if you paint my life black as night. It is my choice whether I keep what you have added to my life's work...will I chose to paint it new...or paint around your contribution? Stick around and you shall bare witness to what I honor and what I discard for my life's beautiful portrait can only be painted with the hands of love.
Friday, March 25, 2011
And you have....
You have held me...
You have loved me with sincerity when I was not worthy;
You have shown kindness when I deserved nothing but evil;
You have shown me beauty in a world full of ugly;
You held my spirit close...safe, allowing me to let my fears go.
You have dried my tears;
You have listened without judgment;
You have believed in me;
You found me when I was lost;
You have never once gloated over my mistakes;
You have always believed in my power;
You provided nourishment when I was empty;
You brought me back from a flat-lined life too many times to count;
You have given me joy, respect, love, understanding, empathy, friendship.
You took my hand to provide guidance over the treacherous terrain of a life well lived.
You are my friend, my savior, my shinning star, my biggest fan, my ace-in-the-hole. You are just who you must be;
...and I will be forever grateful you have been that for me.
You have loved me with sincerity when I was not worthy;
You have shown kindness when I deserved nothing but evil;
You have shown me beauty in a world full of ugly;
You held my spirit close...safe, allowing me to let my fears go.
You have dried my tears;
You have listened without judgment;
You have believed in me;
You found me when I was lost;
You have never once gloated over my mistakes;
You have always believed in my power;
You provided nourishment when I was empty;
You brought me back from a flat-lined life too many times to count;
You have given me joy, respect, love, understanding, empathy, friendship.
You took my hand to provide guidance over the treacherous terrain of a life well lived.
You are my friend, my savior, my shinning star, my biggest fan, my ace-in-the-hole. You are just who you must be;
...and I will be forever grateful you have been that for me.
Friday, February 18, 2011
With every turn...
There is both true greatness and true heartbreak around every turn. It is hard to look at who you are and understand the traits you possess that should be valued above all else is usually what provides the most heartbreak.
I fight for what I believe in...I fight for the ones who are thrown aside...I battle those who know better but disregard their knowledge for position, money, title, or convenience. My heart is broken over what the true reality is facing me each day I work in special education. I know what is right and I am unafraid to speak my mind and yet I am destroyed little by little every time I suit up. This is not just a job to me...this is my life's calling--what I was put here to do...what all of my ugly memories of abuse and hatred prepared me for. With this being said, I am killing myself and not getting anywhere. My fight is unproductive and is brutalizing my will.
I do not know what is around the corner but to be constantly braced for the worse is agonizing. My spirit is broken; I am hurting beyond thought and I can no longer endure the pain of this career.
I do not know how to just be quiet and allow people in power to fuck my students into oblivion. I cannot watch another adult treat kids with special needs with such disdain. I do this job because no one else wants to--I bleed for my children because parents have already been bled dry and the teachers before me have already thrown in the towel. If I wanted to be mediocre, I could have picked any damn job. I do not do this for money, for fame, for title, or prestige...I do this job because it runs deep within my soul; every fiber is theirs; every nerve on fire because of their wounds.
Wow, I have learned so many ugly truths about education; about the legalities that people so easily disregard--I do not know if I can continue to stomach this ugly world I find myself in each day and honestly, I am not sure who could. I do not give up easily but I have not the strength nor the power to work this system so I may survive and help my kids at the same time. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies about "he was the rock they broke themselves on"...I am not sure anymore if I am the rock or the one broken on the rock of insincerity?
I fight for what I believe in...I fight for the ones who are thrown aside...I battle those who know better but disregard their knowledge for position, money, title, or convenience. My heart is broken over what the true reality is facing me each day I work in special education. I know what is right and I am unafraid to speak my mind and yet I am destroyed little by little every time I suit up. This is not just a job to me...this is my life's calling--what I was put here to do...what all of my ugly memories of abuse and hatred prepared me for. With this being said, I am killing myself and not getting anywhere. My fight is unproductive and is brutalizing my will.
I do not know what is around the corner but to be constantly braced for the worse is agonizing. My spirit is broken; I am hurting beyond thought and I can no longer endure the pain of this career.
I do not know how to just be quiet and allow people in power to fuck my students into oblivion. I cannot watch another adult treat kids with special needs with such disdain. I do this job because no one else wants to--I bleed for my children because parents have already been bled dry and the teachers before me have already thrown in the towel. If I wanted to be mediocre, I could have picked any damn job. I do not do this for money, for fame, for title, or prestige...I do this job because it runs deep within my soul; every fiber is theirs; every nerve on fire because of their wounds.
Wow, I have learned so many ugly truths about education; about the legalities that people so easily disregard--I do not know if I can continue to stomach this ugly world I find myself in each day and honestly, I am not sure who could. I do not give up easily but I have not the strength nor the power to work this system so I may survive and help my kids at the same time. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies about "he was the rock they broke themselves on"...I am not sure anymore if I am the rock or the one broken on the rock of insincerity?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Words...don't let them...
"Words; don't let them shake you; don't let them break you or stop your world from turning..."
Ok, so it seems time to educate some mother fuckers. People, you need to stop before you say something that will train wreck another. It is not a request but a fucking demand!! I am so tired of people saying the most hurtful things without ever thinking if their words are having an impact they may not have intended. Do you know what it does to a person's soul to have vicious words thrown at them like they are nothing--at a speed that no one would ever be able to dodge?
Words lie in wait...they are opportunity whores. They wait to strike; they know when they will have the most damage and will hit us with a force that knocks us into oblivion. They will cut us deeper than any fist is able to yet people just cannot help themselves. The power of words is undeniable. Do you wish your words to become vehicles of love or do you wish to have your comments replayed over and over so that the recipient can abuse themselves endlessly with their power?
Close your eyes and remember every last word that was provided to you by another that you have never been able to rid yourself from and THINK!!! Words last a lifetime; the uglier the sentiment, the longer lasting it's power. Words such as "I Do" or "I will love you always" have the ability to alter our path for a lifetime but please do not forget words such as "I hate you", or "You are a disappointment" will reside in the forefront ready to expose themselves as soon as we are weak to hurt us all over again.
Words influence our decisions, our opinions, and our path. Wouldn't it be beautiful to have your positive words help someone achieve their dreams instead of crushing them? Wouldn't it be amazing if by saying a kind word, demonstrating love with a word that you provide another the courage to take this world by storm?
Gentle and loving....respectful and kind...amazing and beautiful. Give your words the right kind of power and stop thinking being honest equates to being mean. Do not be careless, do not drop your words like bombs ready to explode the path another is on--show respect, empathy, and admiration...let it flow freely and see what comes to you in return. Maybe...just maybe some of the hurtful words that remain with you will be forever erased; replaced with a beautiful sentiment. What do you have to lose?
Ok, so it seems time to educate some mother fuckers. People, you need to stop before you say something that will train wreck another. It is not a request but a fucking demand!! I am so tired of people saying the most hurtful things without ever thinking if their words are having an impact they may not have intended. Do you know what it does to a person's soul to have vicious words thrown at them like they are nothing--at a speed that no one would ever be able to dodge?
Words lie in wait...they are opportunity whores. They wait to strike; they know when they will have the most damage and will hit us with a force that knocks us into oblivion. They will cut us deeper than any fist is able to yet people just cannot help themselves. The power of words is undeniable. Do you wish your words to become vehicles of love or do you wish to have your comments replayed over and over so that the recipient can abuse themselves endlessly with their power?
Close your eyes and remember every last word that was provided to you by another that you have never been able to rid yourself from and THINK!!! Words last a lifetime; the uglier the sentiment, the longer lasting it's power. Words such as "I Do" or "I will love you always" have the ability to alter our path for a lifetime but please do not forget words such as "I hate you", or "You are a disappointment" will reside in the forefront ready to expose themselves as soon as we are weak to hurt us all over again.
Words influence our decisions, our opinions, and our path. Wouldn't it be beautiful to have your positive words help someone achieve their dreams instead of crushing them? Wouldn't it be amazing if by saying a kind word, demonstrating love with a word that you provide another the courage to take this world by storm?
Gentle and loving....respectful and kind...amazing and beautiful. Give your words the right kind of power and stop thinking being honest equates to being mean. Do not be careless, do not drop your words like bombs ready to explode the path another is on--show respect, empathy, and admiration...let it flow freely and see what comes to you in return. Maybe...just maybe some of the hurtful words that remain with you will be forever erased; replaced with a beautiful sentiment. What do you have to lose?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Destination Miserable
Each and every day began in the same way...after tossing and turning for hours, she would give up on the notion of sleep, throw off the barely used covers, and begin her day. There was coffee to be made, lists to write, animals to contend with and dreams to avoid. Her days ran into each other, blending into years of unhappiness, of unfulfilled desires, and all she could ask for was speed. Speed to reach a destination she knew would be as empty as her life. Why change? Why ask for anything else than what she was used to, what she was comfortable with? By asking, she understood, the disappointment would be more intense and her spirit would eventually break from the weight of each loss tossed aside to deal with another day.
Loneliness prevailed in her heart, mind and life. It consumed her and at times would hit her with an intensity that took the breath from her lungs. She understood that in order to achieve some resemblance of happy, she must put an end to this aloneness. But how...should she create a plan of action how she will make friends that don't leave her wishing they never entered her world? How do you write a "To Do" list to fix your life without dying from the embarrassment?
Here begins the journey of a woman most of know or at a minimum understand. Filling our life with joy, with passion, with love should be on the top of the priority list yet it seems that all of the mundane tasks take precedence and we arrive at a place we discover makes us miserable. Most unfortunate, we stay in this place of misery for the lack of energy to fight for something more--for something better--for something more fulfilling.
For the past year or so, I have been on an amazing journey of self-discovery, of re- connections, and I have grown with every battle out of darkness. I have toyed with writing a book for eons and this morning after reading a friend's post on FB, this little story entered my brain. I am methodical about my writings and I believe strong characters and a relateable story will be the key to its success. Wish me luck and thank you for continued inspiration.
Loneliness prevailed in her heart, mind and life. It consumed her and at times would hit her with an intensity that took the breath from her lungs. She understood that in order to achieve some resemblance of happy, she must put an end to this aloneness. But how...should she create a plan of action how she will make friends that don't leave her wishing they never entered her world? How do you write a "To Do" list to fix your life without dying from the embarrassment?
Here begins the journey of a woman most of know or at a minimum understand. Filling our life with joy, with passion, with love should be on the top of the priority list yet it seems that all of the mundane tasks take precedence and we arrive at a place we discover makes us miserable. Most unfortunate, we stay in this place of misery for the lack of energy to fight for something more--for something better--for something more fulfilling.
For the past year or so, I have been on an amazing journey of self-discovery, of re- connections, and I have grown with every battle out of darkness. I have toyed with writing a book for eons and this morning after reading a friend's post on FB, this little story entered my brain. I am methodical about my writings and I believe strong characters and a relateable story will be the key to its success. Wish me luck and thank you for continued inspiration.
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