Dancing with Angels;
Doing the Tango with Fairies.
Two-stepping with Wizards;
Holding onto the wings of Dragons.
Surfing on the backs of Eagles;
Cannon-balling with Mermaids--
Soar, my Butterfly
and with a quiet intensity;
Know LOVE...while dancing.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
While Dancing...
Dancing with Angels;
Doing the Tango with Fairies.
Two-stepping with Wizards;
Holding onto the wings of Dragons.
Surfing on the backs of Eagles;
Cannon-balling with Mermaids--
Soar, my Butterfly
and with a quiet intensity;
Know LOVE...while dancing.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Haven't Found it yet...
Many moons ago I wrote about a great love affair...what I want in my life when it comes to love and once again, I find myself settling for less than I desire. It's time, I do believe, where I must have that internal conversation--to gauge where the fuck I am, where I need to be, and how I am going to get there.
It has been my experience that the heartbreak you experience upfront is way less damaging than continuing to ignore the signs that what you have will never be what you truly want. I have lived a lifetime settling for less than I deserve; a lifetime ignoring my desires; a lifetime attempting to mold what I have into what I desire. I refuse to tolerate that from myself a minute longer. I demand better; I deserve better; I am doing the work to achieve better.
I would rather be by myself than to share space/take up space with another who does not fully comprehend what my true worth is. Know the value I add to your life, be willing to fight to keep that value, and appreciate all that I offer. I do not need you to half-ass love me...to half-ass appreciate me...to half-ass acknowledge my presence in your life.
I don't give a damn what your excuses are--you have permission to sit alone with those excuses and see how much comfort and love they provide. From the jump, you have judged me harshly and yet you have no fucking idea who I am. You only demonstrate pride when others pave that road before you--guess what, too late. The love I recieve from others, their respect, their pride--they should not be at levels higher than my partner.
What love means...what love should feel like--go ask someone who is less broken-down and bitter because you haven't a clue.
Here is my wish list----
1. To have someone love me honestly.
2. To have my partner be beyond proud they are loved by me.
3. For my partner to never need outside validation that I am worthwhile.
Our relationship began broken...it continues to be broken and much of the damage is not able to be repaired. It is time to let go of a dream that will never come to life. It is time for me to honor what I deserve and understand that I will never receive it from you. My decision has little to do with getting married, not getting married--I so wish to get married...I just know it should not be with a man that cannot love me the way I desire. We both know this to be true.
The things that I am angry about are more to do about hurt feelings than anger. After constantly replaying the conversations, after realizing that I have had love affairs where my partner loved me the way I desire--understanding that it is possible for that love to exist, I know I must prevent further damage to my heart and move along.
Fuck you for making me defend who I am continuously. I have been honest...I have been right there in the fight...I have been forthcoming, truthful, present, and you can not say the same. Half-ass another...this bitch has a grip on her worth--and yours and she is willing to defend her heart and soul with all that she's got.
It has been my experience that the heartbreak you experience upfront is way less damaging than continuing to ignore the signs that what you have will never be what you truly want. I have lived a lifetime settling for less than I deserve; a lifetime ignoring my desires; a lifetime attempting to mold what I have into what I desire. I refuse to tolerate that from myself a minute longer. I demand better; I deserve better; I am doing the work to achieve better.
I would rather be by myself than to share space/take up space with another who does not fully comprehend what my true worth is. Know the value I add to your life, be willing to fight to keep that value, and appreciate all that I offer. I do not need you to half-ass love me...to half-ass appreciate me...to half-ass acknowledge my presence in your life.
I don't give a damn what your excuses are--you have permission to sit alone with those excuses and see how much comfort and love they provide. From the jump, you have judged me harshly and yet you have no fucking idea who I am. You only demonstrate pride when others pave that road before you--guess what, too late. The love I recieve from others, their respect, their pride--they should not be at levels higher than my partner.
What love means...what love should feel like--go ask someone who is less broken-down and bitter because you haven't a clue.
Here is my wish list----
1. To have someone love me honestly.
2. To have my partner be beyond proud they are loved by me.
3. For my partner to never need outside validation that I am worthwhile.
Our relationship began broken...it continues to be broken and much of the damage is not able to be repaired. It is time to let go of a dream that will never come to life. It is time for me to honor what I deserve and understand that I will never receive it from you. My decision has little to do with getting married, not getting married--I so wish to get married...I just know it should not be with a man that cannot love me the way I desire. We both know this to be true.
The things that I am angry about are more to do about hurt feelings than anger. After constantly replaying the conversations, after realizing that I have had love affairs where my partner loved me the way I desire--understanding that it is possible for that love to exist, I know I must prevent further damage to my heart and move along.
Fuck you for making me defend who I am continuously. I have been honest...I have been right there in the fight...I have been forthcoming, truthful, present, and you can not say the same. Half-ass another...this bitch has a grip on her worth--and yours and she is willing to defend her heart and soul with all that she's got.
MY MOUNTAINTOP
If we could take a snapshot of what our insides look like throughout our journey, I think that might demonstrate just how much we have grown and developed into a beautiful representation of what we had in us all along. I am not the person I was a year ago...I always had the potential inside, I just was never willing to fight for it.
I need no other to save me...I need no other to fight my battles...I do not need validation, admiration, praise, not a fucking thing from another--I have all I need within my soul. I know if I deserve respect, admiration, praise--I understand my flaws better than anyone but in turn, I also know the beauty I posses. I feel my struggles more than anyone realizes but I also understand the depth of my successes.
Whatever endeavor I chose to take on, please understand I do not need approval, understanding, support--I am doing just fine on my own and will continue to beat the shit out of this world as long as there is breath in my lungs. I am not one to make excuses, I do not apologize for who I am--let's understand I am not your typical person who has no internal Drill Sargent driving me through life's obstacle courses. I do not live my life to receive validation from others--who the fuck cares what people think?? Honestly, I hate to be bothered--
Really, I should care what someone who has never done a flippin thing to achieve their dreams thinks about me; about who I am?? I wouldn't even know where to muster that wasted energy from. Trust me on this--I know all about me--when I deserve praise, when I deserve admiration, and when I deserve a good ass-kicking. The difference between you and me--I do not need anyone but myself to provide all that I need and if I am perceived as honest--you should be privy to the conversations I have within my soul and you would understand it takes honesty to a whole new level. The struggles, the arguments, the love...from myself, for myself--with love!
Now, get off your ass and do the work--until you get to judge me you need to be at my level so you can get a real good view--Here's the twist...I am not stopping my journey as you try to catch up--work harder, faster, with less sleep, no energy, no time to simply be still. Maybe, just maybe, one day you will find yourself on my mountaintop. Until then I will be taking that hike alone, not looking back and enjoying the peaceful tranquility of an amazing friendship that envelopes me everywhere I go. The friendship I have within--the love I have for the person I am, for the person I have yet to become--it is the mountaintop I get to enjoy simply because I hiked the valleys willingly.
I need no other to save me...I need no other to fight my battles...I do not need validation, admiration, praise, not a fucking thing from another--I have all I need within my soul. I know if I deserve respect, admiration, praise--I understand my flaws better than anyone but in turn, I also know the beauty I posses. I feel my struggles more than anyone realizes but I also understand the depth of my successes.
Whatever endeavor I chose to take on, please understand I do not need approval, understanding, support--I am doing just fine on my own and will continue to beat the shit out of this world as long as there is breath in my lungs. I am not one to make excuses, I do not apologize for who I am--let's understand I am not your typical person who has no internal Drill Sargent driving me through life's obstacle courses. I do not live my life to receive validation from others--who the fuck cares what people think?? Honestly, I hate to be bothered--
Really, I should care what someone who has never done a flippin thing to achieve their dreams thinks about me; about who I am?? I wouldn't even know where to muster that wasted energy from. Trust me on this--I know all about me--when I deserve praise, when I deserve admiration, and when I deserve a good ass-kicking. The difference between you and me--I do not need anyone but myself to provide all that I need and if I am perceived as honest--you should be privy to the conversations I have within my soul and you would understand it takes honesty to a whole new level. The struggles, the arguments, the love...from myself, for myself--with love!
Now, get off your ass and do the work--until you get to judge me you need to be at my level so you can get a real good view--Here's the twist...I am not stopping my journey as you try to catch up--work harder, faster, with less sleep, no energy, no time to simply be still. Maybe, just maybe, one day you will find yourself on my mountaintop. Until then I will be taking that hike alone, not looking back and enjoying the peaceful tranquility of an amazing friendship that envelopes me everywhere I go. The friendship I have within--the love I have for the person I am, for the person I have yet to become--it is the mountaintop I get to enjoy simply because I hiked the valleys willingly.
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