From the ashes

My 42nd birthday is quickly approaching and it seems time for another brain overhaul. Reflection is never easy but totally necessary. Knowing why you do the things you do is the first step in making adjustments so whatever is not working in your life can be remedied.

This year, however, I think instead of "fixing" all that is wrong, I might begin concentrating on what is right in my life. Maybe instead of using another birthday to find reasons I have not achieved my potential, have not achieved my dreams, I will focus on every single thing I have achieved and the miracle of surviving the beautiful disaster that is within my soul.

My life has been a whirlwind. I have experienced things no one else can say and that jazzes me. With tremendous heart ache, I have risen from the ashes a person I adore. I giggle at myself, shake my head, and thank the heavens that I am who I have always intended to be. Yes, I took several years off from life. I was a very dark and damaged person. I embraced only the negative memories and was determined never again acknowledge the amazing beauty I had all around me; beauty I helped to create. I have seen such ugliness and brutality from people-from myself-that I would have rather given up then go on.

I am so absolutely overjoyed I no longer feel this way. I know I go a mile a minute, but that is just how I roll. I love that my friends need to tell me to focus, that they tell me to SSSHHHHHHUUUUSSSSHHH. I would rather have a million thoughts running through my brain than having none at all. I crave living; I crave waking each day to see what gifts I may encounter. Trust me, I do not always love what I see each day and I certainly do not love all of what I do. Yes, I still have a list of things I want to change about myself and my life...absolutely. However, what I realize is each one of us has these lists but most do not do a damn thing to fix what is broken within them. What makes me proud is that no matter how scared I may be, I am still in the game. I try, I fall, I fail, I succeed and in the struggle their is beauty. Surviving is what I do best.

You will never have a friend more loyal...you will never encounter another that is willing to put herself on the line just for the experience...you will never have another woman that will love you, support you, and try like mad to make your spirit smile. These character traits are what I dig most. I can look myself in the mirror, or in the eyes of a friend and know that these words are true.

The present I give to myself, today, is love, appreciation, devotion, and unwaivering support to continue the journey. I promise to be true to the person I am and the person I will become. To my battered, beaten, broken, and chipped heart, I promise that I will never allow bitterness and darkness to take you over. I will protect you as I would any friend. I will appreciate the ashes but I will rise, I will soar to heights only thought possible in my dreams.

Happy Birthday!

Bleeding Heart

When I think of what I do for a living, I just burst with pride. I never thought I would come across a career that totally jazzes me. Currently I teach a self-contained classroom with students that have signifcant disabilities. Each student is amazing, beautiful, joyous, sincere, and I cannot help but to feel thankful they are a part of my life.

Saying these kids have challenges is like saying Vegas gets hot in the summer. It runs so much deeper than that. I teach at a Title-1 school that brings its own set of challenges. Most of the schools population live in significant poverty. The economy has wrecked so many things but these kids have seen the worst of it. Parents stressed out, making very bad decisions, going to jail and the kids suffer tremendous loss. They have seen death, destruction, poverty, starvation, and abuse at the hands of the people that should love and protect them.

Yesterday, I had a student lose it. She has been hanging on by a thread and yesterday was her breaking point. I could hug her, tell her I adore her, but ultimately I had to send her back home. This child, a 4th grader, seems so grown up that I think people tend to forget she is just that...a child. She wants to be grown, she wants to hang with the adults and I see so much of me in her that every fiber of my being aches. When I attempted to seek advice from a veteran teacher, I was made-fun of, treated like an idiot, and I got real fucking angry.

Here's the thing...yes, I am paid to do a job. However, no one realizes what the job entails. Even the people that work with children don't seem to get the point. I am a teacher, absolutely, I am a counselor, I am a social worker, I am a nurse, I am a therapst, I am a friend, a mother and as such I have an enormous responsibility to ensure the safety and well-being of my students.

The children I encounter every day have seen this world at its worst. They have seen, been victim to such brutality that for them to be open to love anyone is simply amazing. They love me in such a way that defys my brain from comprehening it. Each and every day they get up and come to school to feel safe and seek refuge from their life at home. You better believe I will create that safe haven for them, create a loving and nurturing environment that allows them to be, of all things, children.

I would not consider myself a touchy, huggy person. Actually, I really dislike people touching me. I don't give hugs, I am not overly affectionate but these kids don't care. I have kids hugging me all day, telling me I am the best teacher, telling me they love me. I walk through the halls and I have a posse of kids holding onto my hands, arms, clothing just to be near Ms. Jay. My kids make me feel like a rock star every day, I have an obligation to make them feel just as awesome. I have had strangers and parents tell me just how much they appreciate me and that I deserve the Teacher-of-the-Year award; now I don't know about any award, it is not the reason I go to work everyday.

To be told I am a bleeding heart like it is a disease is fucking ridiculous. I may be new at this job but never, and I mean never, will I treat a child's suffering like it was their fault, or that if I ignore it, it will somehow fix itself. I ask myself...if not you, then who? It puts life immediately into perspective.

Do I love my job, more than words can express. Do I hate the stupid, insensitive adults I must work with, absolutely!! The day I become a bitter, ugly, dispicable human being is the day I need to walk away from teaching. Until then, I will bleed from all over my being, feel my children's pain, and do my best to love the unlovables. If you take issue with this, please seek guidance from God. I'm sure He would love to know your views on kids with disabilities, kids that are abused, kids that are hungry, kids that are homeless...the list can just go on and on. I'm sure He would love to question why you stay in teaching and feel little responsibility to those you teach. To the people I work with that do not like me or my methods I ask you this...do you not like me because I prove to you, day in--day out that your hardened heart and bitterness is not the way. Do I show you that love and sincerity is a more valuable and effective tool than judgement? Please step aside, go find a job where futures do not depend on you, and stop being part of the problem!

Stella is getting her groove back

For those of you who have not seen the movie, I will make it clear. I am not getting any younger, I am tired of dealing with tired-ass men that do not know how to treat a person they say they love. If you just want to have sex with me, be honest about it--I may just want the same thing. I have had two tanked relationships and really I am not interested in a third.

New rules...if you move me, I may move you. If you rock my world, I promise I will rock yours. But if you want to play house, step off, my brother. You are not sleeping over, I am not making breakfast for you, you are not allowed to question how I spend my time or money and if you need to ask "How you were", you might just better leave while you can still walk without a limp. If you leave me to finish what you have started, believe me, I do not wish for you to come over again.

I am not a woman that needs to have a man in her life to feel whole. I am tired of the men that say they are honest, live with integrity, and that they want a serious relationship. Shut up, please. No one can say they are honest if they are cheating on their wives. If you have to hang up the phone because your significant other just came home, integrity may not be your strong suit. And the kicker...if you want a serious relationship, grow up and first understand the meaning behind those words.

For now, I just want a few "friends" that I can have fun with. Don't judge me, I'm not having it...I am not afraid to seek out what it is I need at the time. Right now, I just need to have some ego-boosting fun.

Paint a picture...

There comes a point in a person's life that you need to evaluate and visit all of the deep-dark places in your soul. I am a bit too comfortable with being in that darkness and have gotten to know myself, my demons, my fears all too well. It hurts me when I see someone I love going through this process because I know just how painful it can be and just how dark your outlook on your life can get.

However, we have a way of beating ourselves down like no one else would ever dream of doing and the funny thing is that we would not allow such abuse from anyone but ourselves. We must keep things in perspective--as bad as we think we are or look or how crazy we seem, most of the people who truly love you do not see it the same way. They have a completely different picture of what and who you are. To find balance between how you view yourself and how the world sees you is essential to surviving the pain we inflict on our souls. To accomplish this, unfortunately, you must seek it out. You must open your wounded soul and let the world in.

Forever and a day I have believed that seeking out help from people in my life was a sign of weakness. Sitting in silence, watching the world go by, thinking every other person was happier, prettier, saner could have put me right in the grave. I would have never understood that the very same people that I should have rallied around felt the exactly the same way about themselves at one point in their lives; never good enough, never gonna be happy, never going to see my dreams realized.

Paint a picture of yourself; actually take out paper and pen...create a picture representing how you see yourself on the outside(physical being) and who you are on the inside. Dont forget to include your spirit, your heart, and your soul within this picture. Then walk away...let the reality of those pictures just sit for a moment on your mind. Then ask each person you trust to paint their picture of how they view you, both on the outside and the inside. Hang them all up and seriously and honestly look at these pictures. I guarantee that they will look vastly different.

Shake your head, stare in disbelief, think your friends are fucking blind...but really see what they have created to represent you. Yeah, you might think, I don't give a fuck what people think about me...it's not about that! What it is about, what you may learn is that we will be as hurtful to ourselves without giving self-abuse a second thought and quite possibly, we have created our pictures with a jaded vision we do not deserve.

I am an extremely spiritual person but the thought of being punished for mistakes I have made is a big problem with me. If you believe in God, then you must understand He would not want us to abuse ourselves in such a way that we become so broken we can no longer survive this world.

You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are who you were meant to be. Stop wishing you were born taller, skinnier, with prettier teeth. So what if you are jiggly in places that defy reason, so what if you have a wrinkle here or there or all over for that matter. No one escapes time, no one escapes their own critiques. We all have a wish list of what we think we should be. Here's the rub, the person sitting right next to you, the one who seems to have the world by the balls, yeah--they are a trainwreck too.

Don't get it twisted...we all have scars, we all have fallen down. Let the people in your life pick you up when you fall...getting up all on your own is getting more difficult as we get older because we are tired of never being good enough, never becoming who we thought we would...embrace who you are now...leave the wish list at the door because it is just one more thing we can use to beat the shit out of ourselves.

It's time to love yourself more, to stop carrying around baggage that will never be fixed, to honor yourself, to find beauty in who and what you are. Our scars give us character, it makes us human.

Falling in love...

So I am beginning to ask myself a few questions...

Do you love who you are? Do you appreciate the person you have become? Do you enjoy your own companionship? Do you understand that even with all the flaws, scars, bruises, broken hearts, battered brain cells, you are beautiful?

Everything we do, everything we are should be accepted, embraced, and enjoyed. If we didn't have the crazy parts, we would not be able to appreciate the quiet times.

I have to battle each and every day to feel love for who I am and what I have become. I wake up each day determined to be happy, to make the people around me smile and bring joy into my life. I am not always successful but I honestly make an effort every day. When I am down, when I am angry, disappointed, frustrated, I will seek refuge in a place all to myself. I do not wish to be a negative force in other people's lives.

I feel as though many people in my life think I cannot be hurt, cannot be damaged by their actions, words, or lack of action. Sometimes I want to scream, I'm human. I bleed just as you do. Being misunderstood has been a common theme throughout my life. I use humor to protect myself, I use anger to warn individuals that I will fight back. Above all else, I will protect who I am, whatever is left, to the death.

In high school, when I seemed so confident, I kept hearing my mother's words of never being good enough, never being smart enough, never being pretty enough, skinny enough...I carried that baggage around for far too long. One day, I realized, they were not my bags...I dropped them at the door.

In my adult life, I have been told many of the same things...never being good enough, never making the right decisions, always being judged. Lord, I am so tired of people trying to kill my spirit. Again, I realized that much of the bags I carried were not my own and left them at the door.

So, for today, I make a promise to myself...You will be happy. You will enjoy the person that you are. You will stop using the words of others to cut yourself to the core. You will no longer bleed for another person that wishes to destroy you. You will be true to your dreams, aspirations, and creativity. You will fall in love each day with the person you have always had within your soul.

Extremes

I had a friend ask my why am I so extreme the other day. Knowing myself, I am sure I became a bit defensive and irritated and provided some off-handed comment for an answer. However, with everything I do, I will let the question sink in a bit and revisit it when I am more prepared to answer.

The question again is why am I so extreme? My answer is simple...because life should be lived without hesitation. For many years, I was numb. I felt nothing, no happiness, no passion, no love...nothing. I began cutting, I would make my skin bleed just so I could feel something...anything. Feeling pain was better than feeling empty and I embraced this new addiction with my entire being. When I say I have had health drama in my life, I could not begin to tell you the amount of doctors, pills, operations, hospital stays I have had. During this period of time, death would have been a welcomed event. With that being said, I tried to embrace death too many times to count. I joke that nothing is going to kill me--let me tell you, it's not always a joke. I lost myself in a very dark world that I never wish to revisit. It is hard to look at this time in my life and not wonder how the hell did I get to that point. This dark place scares me enough that I am bound and determined never to allow myself to fall that far down again.

Demons, my companions were all I had. They became comfortable, I knew them and relied on them to prove I was still alive. Instead of dealing with my nightmares, I took pills to numb myself to the reality life did not play fair. I had a basket of medications that I looked at every day, taking pill after pill and yet still I was not healed. I went to therapy and quickly realized that I could tell this stranger anything, they had no way of checking the validity of my statements. How was this stranger going to help me fix what had been broken for so long?

The answer, they weren't...they couldn't. I needed to fix my life all by myself. I began a journey that continues today. I needed to understand why I was so absolutely broken, what I was missing, what I required to make me whole again. Fucked up childhood experiences, fucked up marriage, fucked up decisions that led to more fucked up decisions. I realized that all of these things may actually be a representation of a bigger problem, something so deep within my soul that until I fixed that everything else would be tainted by it.

Getting to know myself has been a whirlwind; a true love-hate relationship. Nowadays, I feel more love than hate for myself and I thank the heavens every single day that I awake to new possibilities.

My heart and soul are healing; this process is never-ending. I live extreme because I am still breathing. I demand much from people but I demand so much more from myself. I cannot accept anything less than balls out because I have wasted so much precious time, time I will never have back. I absolutely must make the time I have left in this world count; meaningful.

Yes I am extreme--absolutely. Yes, I am totally insane. Yes, I am a survivor with scars that have helped mold me into a person that I now enjoy. My answer is a question for you, with all of the scars you endure, why are you not living your life like today was your very last day? Why do you wait to make things happen when you may be wasting your opportunities for a day that never comes? Why do you use justifications to allow yourself to put off doing what will truly make you happy? Why do you not live extremely, with passion, with love, with joy, with sadness, with hurt and embrace them all equally?

Beautiful Disaster

I am in love with a man that I have loved for so long I am unsure if it has just been a dream. My normal way of dealing with matters that involve true emotions is to run like hell; which I have been doing all of my adult life. I have gotten real tired of running and allowed this beautiful man to catch me. What transpired next is why I run in the first place...complete devastation. Every single time I go against what works for me, I end up regretting that decision tremendously. I knew and completely understood exactly what I was doing-had a good idea how it would end after he came to visit and yet, I still could not help myself. When I first saw him, my heart stopped. When I first tasted his lips, I lost a piece of myself. When I felt his hands hold me, I became forever his. I crave hearing his voice, crave feeling his arms around me, crave laughing with him, making him stutter. Lying next to him, listening to his breathing, caressing his hand as he slept made me feel alive and safe; at home. If I had the chance to leave this world at that very moment holding only to that memory, there would not have been a second thought. Instead, what I have been left with is doubt...doubt that he ever felt the things he has expressed, doubt that I was not what he had hoped for, doubt that I did something wrong to make him stop loving me, doubt that I was just a part of his mid-life crisis, doubt that seeing me was not as amazing as it was for me seeing him.

We never really had the conversations we needed to. He seemed to avoid every attempt I made and I allowed him this because my time with him was so precious I did not wish to waste a second on the ugly part of our relationship. It's not been fair to sit within my head, replaying our time together questioning each thing I did or not do, each word out of my mouth, every action I took and I cannot seem to muster more energy to continue to beat myself down about things I cannot change.

He has stolen my breath and I am deeply moved by this man. The question I need to answer: Do I wait for something that may never come to fruition? He had told me he was tired of chasing me and I replied, I am tired of running. I feel open and vulnerable. I am laying things on the table because this means more to me than my own well-being. I want to scream to him, I wanted it to be me...I wanted to be your wife, I wanted to give you a beautiful child, I would give you the world, I would have loved you til the end of time!! But to whom do I yell these things because he is not around to hear my words. This reality...to have my words fall on deaf ears, has made me appreciate the void in my life, the emptiness I feel knowing I am by myself, unable to turn to him for reassurance and love.

I know within my brain that this situation will continue to haunt me but I also know I will heal from it. This heartbreak, however, will leave a scar I will avoid forever looking at because it will ache as long as I continue to breathe. It is not pretty, it has taken the wind out of my sails, has created such doubt within my soul that I need to pretend we never had this moment in time, that we are as we were before this became ugly and jaded.

I would offer you the world if you would take it from me and yet I feel as though nothing I could give would be anything you would desire. I will always love you as I always have...from a distance, thinking of you, hoping for your happiness, praying one day you will come home to me.

Friends

Friends have a way of surprising you. Ones that you thought would always be there seem to disappear or change; Ones that you never thought you had or that you could rely on are there when you cry out. I have healed in one weekend many things that may have taken forever to get over without some beautiful people showing me love.

I have always believed that loyalty should be demanded from friends. I am loyal, I am honest, I am generous, and I would lay my life down if needed for a friend. I am not a big believer in family first because my family is screwed. My sister is one of my very bestest friends and I regard that with higher admiration than her just being my blood.

So, to friends that judge me I say: Please look at yourself and your life first, then come to my house and voice your opinion. To friends that think they have me pegged-- really? If you knew me at all you would fully understand the nature of my beast. I allow people to peek into my world. Think: do you ever really get to see to the depths of my soul? The answer is no, because as much as I love and adore you, my soul is for my eyes alone.

I have people in my life that want only for me to be happy...they aren't selling anything, they are not trying to get something from me, they honestly just wish for me to be happy and to them I say, with my entire heart, I love you and I thank you. You make the world worth living in.

Life Reflection

What amazes me is that most of the people I know are going through some transition in their life currently. My sister and I joke about something being in the air but really, I am not sure what's going on. We are all train-wrecked by our lives, the people in them, and our lack of action to make a life we wish to live.

I want to have passion in my life. I want to honestly live my life in such a way that makes me look forward to getting up each day. I don't want to drag myself throughout my days...no, that is certainly not appealing. I want to laugh til I cry each day, I want to feel undeniable love from another everytime i need to. I cannot accept complacentcy--I will not allow myself to be numb to my life.

Granted, I have caused much of the pain in my life but I take responsibility for it and try to do better the next time out. I enjoy who I am, have fun with being crazy, but it makes for a lonely life when you are closed to people sharing the beauty that you keeped locked up and protected. Thinking you are safe when you only allow people to scratch the surface of who you are is not the answer either. This defensive strategy is so deeply ingrained in who I am, I have little faith that I can change it. And fear it will destroy possibilites of future beauty entering my life.

Balls out; there is no other way to be. Understanding the person you are is necessary to becoming the person you wish to be.

Saying Goodbye and Growing Up

I slept on it and decided to stop the craziness and tell him goodbye. I sent him an email apologizing, that I love him, and that I am letting him go. Of course, that did not last. I have been truly insane with this one and I need to stop.

He has not called, no emails sent and as much as I would like to blame myself for screwing things up, I refuse to take all of the blame. What was told to me about his situation was not exactly how it really is. He is married and I think no where near ready to leave his wife. I do believe I was his mid-life crisis and when things get too real for him, he shuts down. I knew all of this before going into the situation and yet I still ran right to him. Into harms way and that is really the thing I need to figure out, not what's up with him but why I keep putting myself into unhealthy situations fully knowing that I am going to get hurt or worse.

I need to begin growing up, to love myself more, to value myself more than another.

Cleaning House

I am so tired of having to explain to people that what I say is exactly what I mean. I have not stuttered, I do not mince words. Don't think you will train wreck my life and not have to face consequences. In order for my world to heal, I have to turn to hatred and anger. Then and only then can I accept what has transpired, breathe, and let it go. When i do let go, I enter the witness protection program, you will only see my memory cause I am long fucking gone. Bye Bye Baby, it's been a real learning experience.

The need for speed

Today, I feel the need for speed. Have the music bumping and drive as fast as I can. Therapy at its best. Play some very angry, aggressive music and push life to its limit.

Way too tired to care

Just to warn a bitch, I have slept less in the last two days than normal and probably has something to do with my poor attitude. I am way too tired to care to edit any thought that comes into my head so I would just stay clear of me today. I know I am crazy, what is irritating, is that others don't realize they are as well. Take a pill, get a grip, and understand you are just as nuts!