The Ultimate in Vanity

I am writing this not to receive admiration, votes of support or to be shown love. I write this because it has been a struggle and education that I want to share with people...it is something about me I would have thought I would take to the grave never speaking of. Sit back and read...see yourself in my words. If you do, do not despair because changing your perspective is within your grasp.

Broken and mangled, I used to dream of death--my death. Many times I thought about ending the misery of my existence and there were a few times it became more than just a thought. When I questioned why I kept on struggling, I used to think about my funeral and what it would be like. If I died today, would anyone be sad? Who would show up to my funeral? What would people say about me? At my darkest, I would think no one would come to grieve...no one. Of course this reality, however skewed, would cut me down to the bone and perpetuate the hatred I had for the person I was.

My funeral would be as sad as my existence. Lonely, pathetic, dark and despicable--just like me. It was just another representation that I was unworthy of the very air I breathed in order to remain alive. Was I feeling sorry for myself...absolutely. Did some of my abusive thoughts ring true--absolutely. Did I need to figure my way out of this horrendous hole...without a doubt.

I have agonized over the smallest bullshit. I have beaten myself to a pulp over things no one but me cared about. I have hated myself longer and harder than I ever deserved. Then I become embolden...I got angry. This anger gave me the strength to meet my demons...each and every single one and the battle for my soul ensued. I began to cradle my heart in order to heal it and I allowed all of the windows into my soul to remain open for the hope of love and peace to find them.

I no longer care to think of my funeral and who may be in attendance. Show up, don't show up...say nice things, say hateful things. I no longer wish to devote the precious time I have to focus on what I cannot control. What I have now, what my life consists of now, is a type of love and support that does not come from pity. I am jazzed with my world...I feel every emotion down to my core and never does self-loathing, self-pity, or self-degradation come into the mix.

You are all invited...not to my funeral...no, I invite you to witness the beauty you may find when you believe you can be the source of inspiration, that you can become beautiful where it counts--within your heart. Look at every scar, wrinkle, stretch mark and embrace them for they bare witness of our struggles but take heed never to allow them to define you. Be beautifully fierce with the love you show this world and you may understand why vanity is one of the deadly sins--it blinds us to what should be valued above all else. Love~