When I desire something, I usually do whatever it takes to get exactly what I want...here is the shit part of that equation--once I get what it is that I have been fighting for, it never seems to quiet the unrest within my soul. I want more...I want different...I just plain want something else. Never satisfied, never happy, always chasing down the next pot of gold at the end of each rainbow I encounter.
I have been chasing rainbows my entire life. The thought of finding peace and serenity is intoxicating. I do not know if I will ever come close to grabbing the rainbow or if I have been running so hard that I passed that opportunity a lifetime ago.
I am out of gas. I cannot seem to muster the energy it takes to chase down one more rainbow. Unless it falls into my lap as I lay sleeping, it will not be fought for, I will not battle one more person to prove I am worthy. I cannot survive it, I will not endure it, and I no longer fear the alternative. I have given up many things I have loved and though I am still breathing, I certainly have not lost these things without some of who I am dying away.
Maybe rainbows are not meant to be caught--maybe we should admire their beauty and leave the chasing to mystical creatures. Life does not live and breathe within the context of rainbows--it lives and dies within our souls~the very souls outside forces attempt to destroy, corrupt, and jade into blackness. The rainbows should serve as a reminder that the world holds beauty out in the open for us to witness but never capture. Admire but never encapsulate.
No more rainbows please...I no longer see potential for happiness within its colors. I see painful memories of failing miserably and now I just wish I can be still long enough to heal those wounds. This would be a decadence I am unfamiliar with but would treasure more than any pot of gold.
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