Many moons ago I wrote about a great love affair...what I want in my life when it comes to love and once again, I find myself settling for less than I desire. It's time, I do believe, where I must have that internal conversation--to gauge where the fuck I am, where I need to be, and how I am going to get there.
It has been my experience that the heartbreak you experience upfront is way less damaging than continuing to ignore the signs that what you have will never be what you truly want. I have lived a lifetime settling for less than I deserve; a lifetime ignoring my desires; a lifetime attempting to mold what I have into what I desire. I refuse to tolerate that from myself a minute longer. I demand better; I deserve better; I am doing the work to achieve better.
I would rather be by myself than to share space/take up space with another who does not fully comprehend what my true worth is. Know the value I add to your life, be willing to fight to keep that value, and appreciate all that I offer. I do not need you to half-ass love me...to half-ass appreciate me...to half-ass acknowledge my presence in your life.
I don't give a damn what your excuses are--you have permission to sit alone with those excuses and see how much comfort and love they provide. From the jump, you have judged me harshly and yet you have no fucking idea who I am. You only demonstrate pride when others pave that road before you--guess what, too late. The love I recieve from others, their respect, their pride--they should not be at levels higher than my partner.
What love means...what love should feel like--go ask someone who is less broken-down and bitter because you haven't a clue.
Here is my wish list----
1. To have someone love me honestly.
2. To have my partner be beyond proud they are loved by me.
3. For my partner to never need outside validation that I am worthwhile.
Our relationship began broken...it continues to be broken and much of the damage is not able to be repaired. It is time to let go of a dream that will never come to life. It is time for me to honor what I deserve and understand that I will never receive it from you. My decision has little to do with getting married, not getting married--I so wish to get married...I just know it should not be with a man that cannot love me the way I desire. We both know this to be true.
The things that I am angry about are more to do about hurt feelings than anger. After constantly replaying the conversations, after realizing that I have had love affairs where my partner loved me the way I desire--understanding that it is possible for that love to exist, I know I must prevent further damage to my heart and move along.
Fuck you for making me defend who I am continuously. I have been honest...I have been right there in the fight...I have been forthcoming, truthful, present, and you can not say the same. Half-ass another...this bitch has a grip on her worth--and yours and she is willing to defend her heart and soul with all that she's got.
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