Stepford Life

***This is something I wrote when I was at a very low point***


I promise I will ignore the disappointment, I will not acknowledge the heartache, I will brave a happy face, I will lose myself in make-believe...this is what our mothers taught us, is it not? Just to put aside our true feelings and become a puppet; a hypocritical pathetic version of who we really are and never allow our true emotions anywhere close to the surface for fear of complete destruction of the facade?

No matter how hard I wish to forget what is broken, I can no longer see the potential that the other side of the looking glass offers. My life; the prospect of having all I desire; my looking glass into a better tomorrow is broken into a million pieces that makes it impossible to witness anything but my disgust at my own reflection built from living a make-believe existence. Understanding how easily I can pretend all is well in my world, I know I am playing the part of a lifetime or at least a role that seems to have lasted a lifetime. I have been living a Stepford Life; I am plastic, simple, agreeable, smooth, and ultimately fake. There is no passion, there is no truth, there is no desire, there is nothing but a barren field void of life and full of despair.

The problem with living this way, playing like my life is so fulfilling and full of everything I have ever desired is the gaping hole within my soul. Living this way leaves me with such a burning loneliness that I can hardly breathe and fight to simply arise to another day of dull. This loneliness might be rectified if I had not presented this pretty package to the world and actually told people the truth--I am miserable--I am completely and undeniably unfulfilled and there is nothing I can do to keep it from continuing--a life that is mediocre and void of love.

My life reflects nothing about my true feelings; what I love; what I enjoy; what makes me smile; what makes me safe; what allows me to take a deep breath and know I am happy...I shut down because I am unable to acknowledge how far off I am from happiness. Knowing I cannot see the truth because it would have catastrophic results, I close my eyes to the world I have allowed to be created. I smile and I agree...I laugh in public and I cry when I am alone. Always knowing deep within that I have no one but myself and my insecurities to blame for this incredibly empty life.

When people tell me I should be grateful, I want to slap them yet I am the one who painted the picture they are commenting on. I should take these types of comments as compliments for the masterpiece of deception I have painted; I am an exceptional deceptor--I have fooled the world. It is not any one's fault that they too cannot see through my looking glass...it is smeared with lies, pretenses, and bullshit.

I do not ask for another to save me from this life--I must do that alone. I do not ask for others to have opinions about my life...I have more than my share of opinions. I do not ask for apologies, for understanding, for love, for friendship--I must remain cognizant of the fact I am the one to blame for the life I have chosen to live. I am the one to blame for living in a world I have created to fool the very people who would help if they had a clue how sad I really am.

I am tired of living this way but even more tired of the hope for a better life only to realize that with each turn I take, I have been thrown too far off course.