Not much more

Thursday, as I was working, I hear my phone ring during class. Everyone who knows me knows not to call during certain hours because I will not answer the phone and usually, I have my phone on silent so I wouldn't hear it anyway. As I went to turn my phone off I noticed it was my sister calling. Well, I know it ain't good cause she of all people knows not to call. Deep breath in...Hello?? It's Dad, we are not sure but we have been told he has passed away and we need to get to the hospital.

Honestly, since that moment things have been a bit blurry. I remember running to Bubbalah's room, telling her I was not joking and needed her NOW!! I got in my car, proceeded to make the necessary calls to inform my teachers I would not be in class, called my sister, and then just focused on driving. I get to Trauma 2, see my sister, and walk in to the room where my father is, he is hooked up to every tube he could be, on life support, posturing, and I know I am needed to be strong, to be the court jester, to be the freak my family so loves to call me. Next thing I remember is having a conversation with a dumb ass doctor telling me we need to take my dad off life support...let me say this loud and clear...GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Oh, yeah, with sugar on top you dumb mother fucker.

After being lectured by this stupid man my dad gets transferred to ICU. He is on life support, no movement except his hands posturing all night. I go home, I get an hour worth of sleep, and I go to my sister's house where I find out my niece's boyfriend attempted suicide the night before. The night when no one knows if my father would live, he decides to "cut" himself. Wonderful, now we must worry about my niece and make sure she is not going to do anything stupid.

Then I get an email from the lead person for my program at UNLV to let me know since I missed class I might be dropped from the program. Oh yeah, now I am reading an email with underlying threats because I decided that maybe being with my family when it was falling apart was more important than to attend a class I am just monitoring anyway.

So, it's ugly...I understand just how fucking ugly people can be but when is enough, enough? I understand I may be paying for a lot of shit I did throughout my life but why must it come at me all at once? Does anyone seem to understand just how tanked I may be, or become with one more fucking major dramatic event thrown at me?

So, in a very unlike-me fashion, I called a friend and lost it. I cried, bitched, felt sorry for myself and took a breath. My heart is aching, for sure but when I was walking to my car and lifted my head up only to see her and her daughter with a bag of "tricks" to offer a very old, worn-out soul, I actually did breathe.

Just when I wanted to give up on people, to allow myself to lose all faith in the beauty of people, when I could have cursed God and all of his wisdom, they turned the corner. Thank you for saving me from the abyss, no telling how lost I could have become in this very ugly time in my life.

I love my friends, I appreciate you in ways that surprise me because I keep the real important things close and guarded, never truly trusting anyone with the deep-dark shit. I thank you and yet when I say that, it feels so inadequate. To renew my faith, even just a small amount is priceless...golden. So once again, I thank you!!