When love is new anything seems possible. You feel renewed, excited, reborn. You wake each day excited to be with the one person you crave and end each day fighting sleep afraid that you will miss an opportunity to love them one more time this day.
You are screaming with every fiber...I am in love with you, hoping they hear you without having to sacrifice the security that silence seems to bring. Too afraid to allow those words to escape your lips, never jeopardizing your position of nonchalance. Does he know...can he feel that the protective cover on my heart has been removed? Does he understand that as I open myself to the possibility of love he has the power to inflict irreversible damage? If he does know this...if he understands this power I so willing offer him, will he use it to hurt me?
I didn't want to need him...I did not want to ache to feel his arms embrace me...I did not expect to go any deeper than skin deep yet he took me by surprise. Every day, with every caring action, each time he shows compassion, each time he goes outside of his own comfort zone to make me peaceful, I fall a bit farther into him. I am not sure I trust him and I absolutely know I do not trust myself. I suck at relationships and if there is to be an exception to this, I dearly hope this is the time.
I have not said a word about loving him. I have not whispered those three words in his ear no matter how I wish to. I do love him but I want to be in love with him as well and on this point, I am unsure. Love has brutalized me, has made me leary of every emotion felt or shown by another. It seems as though I have a recording of all the tragedies I have encountered due to someone "loving" me and it plays like a warning...it serves as a reminder that I should not trust my judgment or how one may think they feel for me.
I am an easy person to love...initially. When the honeymoon is over, it becomes close to impossible to continue to love me. Love's sustainability is always a question--loving me for any length of time becomes exhausting, turbulent, and ultimately sacrificed for a more sane existance.
As I wait for him to come home to me I know that I am in love with a man that has a quiet beauty about him. He has been destroyed by people, hurt beyond recognition but he has emerged from the pain and has opened his life to me. I wait, still scared, still holding back, but I know that all I wish to do at this very moment in time is to crash into his heart and stay there...safe, secure, loved. Crashing...softly, beautifully, silently.
No comments:
Post a Comment