It’s that time again…to take stock in what is important, what is trivial, what is worth fighting for, what needs purging. This is for my continued sanity—for the health of my brain, heart and soul; it’s time to throw some shit out.
Since last August I have been running towards things, running away from others, and I find that I am exhausted beyond reason. I am tired of running but I do understand that I am not exactly sure just how to stop. How does someone learn to just sit and breathe? Not sure I will ever be that type of person and to be honest, I am not exactly sure if I wish to become that type of individual.
Friends and family are worried that I do not take care of myself. This concerns me as well but I am so afraid that when I stop to take care of myself that I will cease to exist. I procrastinate, I avoid, and ultimately I survive the only way I know how. My insanity, my not sleeping, my all-over-the-place brain has served me well and honestly, why change now? Why stop doing what works for me? Why not appreciate my entire being…the madness along with the beauty… because it’s not going anywhere.
I crash and burn but I am a phoenix…it is what I need to do in order to renew my resolve that nothing or no one will ever destroy me. People will continue to try and they will fail because I will never allow someone that deep that they may have the possibility to damage me beyond repair. Nope, never again. I love deeply~absolutely. I never will lose control of my heart, my soul, my spirit. I reel it in, continuing to take inventory with every breath. Heart—check. Soul--check. Spirit--check. When all is intact and safe I can breathe and then power on.
You cannot enjoy me, who I am one minute then wish to change the very trait that makes you love me in the first place. Just because you may have had a change of heart, just because yoy may not be in the mood for my madness right now. Fuck that…love me now, for what I am and for what I am not and enjoy the amazing ride because no one, not one person will make you feel every single emotion in your heart quite like I do. I will make you smile, I will make you crazy, I will frustrate you, I will make you want to sing, I will make you want to punch something, I will make you wish to take care of me, to mother me, to kill me...I will take you on an emotional journey…
And guess what??
Maybe that is exactly what the fuck you need? To live, to be alive, to feel alive—isn’t that what we should be striving for without the need of reminders?? One will never know how I enrich your life if you keep trying to change me...if you refuse to jump, if you are determined to try and change the person I am you may lose the opportunity to have the one person in this world that will never judge you, never cause your harm, never break your spirit and respect your heart forever. Enjoy the ride, my darlings, if nothing else, you will never ever be bored—this is my promise to you which I will honor til death!! Take the ride with me...witness, enjoy, shake your head but enjoy...it's going to be simply bitchin'.
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