Decide right now...stop fucking around with me and make a decision. Who are you to me, define it, put a name on it, and honor your decision. Are you my friend or my enemy? Do you set out to lift me up or knock me down? Why do you feel justified treating me with hatred, abuse, and disdain one moment and then shower me with praise, adoration, and love the next?
If you are under the opinion that I will continue to allow such abuse, you are delusional. If you think that I will not fight back, think again. Continuing to act as though I am unworthy is futile. It is within my power to stop this madness. I am the Gate-Keeper...I get to chose what is allowed into my world. I am emboldened to be an advocate for my sanity...I am empowered to fight evil from settling down deep within my soul...I will grasp beauty rather than discard it. I will trade serenity in exchange for the poison hurled at my soul day in and day out.
Welcome~~This is my daily struggle between my brain and soul. Every day, I must remain in the fight between these entities. My soul tells my brain--you will no longer slay me with your torturous words. My brain laughs and thinks to itself..."We'll see"!
I never know which will be victorious...I cannot turn my brain off when it is full of abuse, ugly, and destructive tendencies. My brain wishes me to think I am unworthy; that I am nothing more than a joke to the world; that I deserve nothing but contempt from others. I thank the heavens that my soul is just as loud--just as bold... I can hear my soul screaming, "I am NOT listening!!", to all of the doubt my brain assaults me with.
My soul, which embodies fierceness, which reminds me that I am beautiful, which will fight to the death to keep me above water, continues to battle my brain's negativity with the deftness of a skilled warrior. My brain, however, is coiled like a rattlesnake, poised to attack whenever my soul may be wounded, healing, or full of fear. My brain will continue to send reminders of the insecurities I possess...it will remind my soul of all the regrets, broken hearts, and tragedies I have experienced throughout my lifetime. My brain breathes deeply because as these reminders are served my soul shrinks--fearful . My brain becomes powerful with anger and feeds off the fear encapsulated in my soul--becoming ferocious.
Do we not all have these struggles...always thinking that we are not good enough, not worthy of amazingness? Do we not beat the shit out of ourselves daily--never allowing credit for the great things we do to sit for very long on our brains? We gravitate towards destruction when given the choice and we will find anyway possible to discount positive opinions about who we are, what we are, and how we are.
For today, I make the choice to become my own friend. I will fight forever to quiet the doubts my brain so willingly accepts and enjoy the person I am...if only for today. Tomorrow the battle will begin again but just for this moment in time, I will allow the realization that I am a fucking rock star to envelope my entire being. I will chose to love myself, flaws and all. I will embrace my imperfections and know that without them, I would not have arrived here...and where I am right now is exactly where I need to be.
Be my friend, my special needs brain...do not make me wish to destroy you---let's become a team~a force of determination to embrace who we have become, enjoy our life, and be grateful for all that we are. I look forward to the day when my entire spirit works in unison~~For that beautiful day, I will become unstoppable.
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