From the ashes

My 42nd birthday is quickly approaching and it seems time for another brain overhaul. Reflection is never easy but totally necessary. Knowing why you do the things you do is the first step in making adjustments so whatever is not working in your life can be remedied.

This year, however, I think instead of "fixing" all that is wrong, I might begin concentrating on what is right in my life. Maybe instead of using another birthday to find reasons I have not achieved my potential, have not achieved my dreams, I will focus on every single thing I have achieved and the miracle of surviving the beautiful disaster that is within my soul.

My life has been a whirlwind. I have experienced things no one else can say and that jazzes me. With tremendous heart ache, I have risen from the ashes a person I adore. I giggle at myself, shake my head, and thank the heavens that I am who I have always intended to be. Yes, I took several years off from life. I was a very dark and damaged person. I embraced only the negative memories and was determined never again acknowledge the amazing beauty I had all around me; beauty I helped to create. I have seen such ugliness and brutality from people-from myself-that I would have rather given up then go on.

I am so absolutely overjoyed I no longer feel this way. I know I go a mile a minute, but that is just how I roll. I love that my friends need to tell me to focus, that they tell me to SSSHHHHHHUUUUSSSSHHH. I would rather have a million thoughts running through my brain than having none at all. I crave living; I crave waking each day to see what gifts I may encounter. Trust me, I do not always love what I see each day and I certainly do not love all of what I do. Yes, I still have a list of things I want to change about myself and my life...absolutely. However, what I realize is each one of us has these lists but most do not do a damn thing to fix what is broken within them. What makes me proud is that no matter how scared I may be, I am still in the game. I try, I fall, I fail, I succeed and in the struggle their is beauty. Surviving is what I do best.

You will never have a friend more loyal...you will never encounter another that is willing to put herself on the line just for the experience...you will never have another woman that will love you, support you, and try like mad to make your spirit smile. These character traits are what I dig most. I can look myself in the mirror, or in the eyes of a friend and know that these words are true.

The present I give to myself, today, is love, appreciation, devotion, and unwaivering support to continue the journey. I promise to be true to the person I am and the person I will become. To my battered, beaten, broken, and chipped heart, I promise that I will never allow bitterness and darkness to take you over. I will protect you as I would any friend. I will appreciate the ashes but I will rise, I will soar to heights only thought possible in my dreams.

Happy Birthday!