Extremes

I had a friend ask my why am I so extreme the other day. Knowing myself, I am sure I became a bit defensive and irritated and provided some off-handed comment for an answer. However, with everything I do, I will let the question sink in a bit and revisit it when I am more prepared to answer.

The question again is why am I so extreme? My answer is simple...because life should be lived without hesitation. For many years, I was numb. I felt nothing, no happiness, no passion, no love...nothing. I began cutting, I would make my skin bleed just so I could feel something...anything. Feeling pain was better than feeling empty and I embraced this new addiction with my entire being. When I say I have had health drama in my life, I could not begin to tell you the amount of doctors, pills, operations, hospital stays I have had. During this period of time, death would have been a welcomed event. With that being said, I tried to embrace death too many times to count. I joke that nothing is going to kill me--let me tell you, it's not always a joke. I lost myself in a very dark world that I never wish to revisit. It is hard to look at this time in my life and not wonder how the hell did I get to that point. This dark place scares me enough that I am bound and determined never to allow myself to fall that far down again.

Demons, my companions were all I had. They became comfortable, I knew them and relied on them to prove I was still alive. Instead of dealing with my nightmares, I took pills to numb myself to the reality life did not play fair. I had a basket of medications that I looked at every day, taking pill after pill and yet still I was not healed. I went to therapy and quickly realized that I could tell this stranger anything, they had no way of checking the validity of my statements. How was this stranger going to help me fix what had been broken for so long?

The answer, they weren't...they couldn't. I needed to fix my life all by myself. I began a journey that continues today. I needed to understand why I was so absolutely broken, what I was missing, what I required to make me whole again. Fucked up childhood experiences, fucked up marriage, fucked up decisions that led to more fucked up decisions. I realized that all of these things may actually be a representation of a bigger problem, something so deep within my soul that until I fixed that everything else would be tainted by it.

Getting to know myself has been a whirlwind; a true love-hate relationship. Nowadays, I feel more love than hate for myself and I thank the heavens every single day that I awake to new possibilities.

My heart and soul are healing; this process is never-ending. I live extreme because I am still breathing. I demand much from people but I demand so much more from myself. I cannot accept anything less than balls out because I have wasted so much precious time, time I will never have back. I absolutely must make the time I have left in this world count; meaningful.

Yes I am extreme--absolutely. Yes, I am totally insane. Yes, I am a survivor with scars that have helped mold me into a person that I now enjoy. My answer is a question for you, with all of the scars you endure, why are you not living your life like today was your very last day? Why do you wait to make things happen when you may be wasting your opportunities for a day that never comes? Why do you use justifications to allow yourself to put off doing what will truly make you happy? Why do you not live extremely, with passion, with love, with joy, with sadness, with hurt and embrace them all equally?