I am in love with a man that I have loved for so long I am unsure if it has just been a dream. My normal way of dealing with matters that involve true emotions is to run like hell; which I have been doing all of my adult life. I have gotten real tired of running and allowed this beautiful man to catch me. What transpired next is why I run in the first place...complete devastation. Every single time I go against what works for me, I end up regretting that decision tremendously. I knew and completely understood exactly what I was doing-had a good idea how it would end after he came to visit and yet, I still could not help myself. When I first saw him, my heart stopped. When I first tasted his lips, I lost a piece of myself. When I felt his hands hold me, I became forever his. I crave hearing his voice, crave feeling his arms around me, crave laughing with him, making him stutter. Lying next to him, listening to his breathing, caressing his hand as he slept made me feel alive and safe; at home. If I had the chance to leave this world at that very moment holding only to that memory, there would not have been a second thought. Instead, what I have been left with is doubt...doubt that he ever felt the things he has expressed, doubt that I was not what he had hoped for, doubt that I did something wrong to make him stop loving me, doubt that I was just a part of his mid-life crisis, doubt that seeing me was not as amazing as it was for me seeing him.
We never really had the conversations we needed to. He seemed to avoid every attempt I made and I allowed him this because my time with him was so precious I did not wish to waste a second on the ugly part of our relationship. It's not been fair to sit within my head, replaying our time together questioning each thing I did or not do, each word out of my mouth, every action I took and I cannot seem to muster more energy to continue to beat myself down about things I cannot change.
He has stolen my breath and I am deeply moved by this man. The question I need to answer: Do I wait for something that may never come to fruition? He had told me he was tired of chasing me and I replied, I am tired of running. I feel open and vulnerable. I am laying things on the table because this means more to me than my own well-being. I want to scream to him, I wanted it to be me...I wanted to be your wife, I wanted to give you a beautiful child, I would give you the world, I would have loved you til the end of time!! But to whom do I yell these things because he is not around to hear my words. This reality...to have my words fall on deaf ears, has made me appreciate the void in my life, the emptiness I feel knowing I am by myself, unable to turn to him for reassurance and love.
I know within my brain that this situation will continue to haunt me but I also know I will heal from it. This heartbreak, however, will leave a scar I will avoid forever looking at because it will ache as long as I continue to breathe. It is not pretty, it has taken the wind out of my sails, has created such doubt within my soul that I need to pretend we never had this moment in time, that we are as we were before this became ugly and jaded.
I would offer you the world if you would take it from me and yet I feel as though nothing I could give would be anything you would desire. I will always love you as I always have...from a distance, thinking of you, hoping for your happiness, praying one day you will come home to me.
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